Print Story Two
Diary
By technician (Mon Sep 21, 2020 at 07:36:46 PM EST) (all tags)
I mean, we're old but it beats the alternative.

Wait, which alternative? I'd like to see a menu.



I dream a lot, when I sleep, and I remember a lot of my dreams.That's a decade of Jungian threapy for ya. The pandemic hits, and the dreams get crazy for everyone, and for me they're really sort of, hey everyone, welcome. I did have a lot more of the sorts of dreams where you're obviously just a cast member in someone else's dream, and I remember distinctly after one of those dreams that I needed to get in touch with the woman in real life. We're friends on facebook now.

All of my dreams, the ones I'm not playing an extra in, are work or family (as in, stepfather / mom issues getting played out). A constant dream mechanism: elevators never work right, and they are terrifying, unpredictable, out of control, and often I'm the only one reacting badly when they suddenly go sideways at Mach 9.

Pandemic dreams have been a massive wave of the collective coming to terms with the horror of losing so many people. They've been bright and weirdly colored and superbly directed.

Lately though it's just me forgetting my mask. So many "I forgot my mask" dreams.

My therapist broke up with me by ghosting last year. She'd missed a few appointments and things were just kind of flat, the phone therapy thing sucks because all cell phones suck, and anyway, it'd been eight years. I texted her with, hey, maybe we should take a break. I've never heard back.

I harbor no ill will, she is an amazing part of many lives, mine included.

I'm thinking that being this age...well, I think it's alright. They say (they = a study) that your unhappiest age is 47. Everything after that it's like you know more about what the actual weight of things is. It's like, you know when you can just let shit slide. It's like, you're defined, fully baked, and you stop giving a shit about a lot of minor nonsense.

I think I get that. The last ten years were truly the worst years for me, but some of the best too. And now I have all this perspective. And I just don't give a shit about most things.

But I still dream of work. And my mother. And the world without masks.

< Not allowed to take any painkillers till after the surgery. | This is the saddest, sweetest, thing I've seen in years. >
Two | 15 comments (15 topical, 0 hidden)
Ghosting therapist by ObviousTroll (4.00 / 1) #1 Mon Sep 21, 2020 at 07:42:02 PM EST
Honestly, that sounds terribly unprofessional, which doesn't mesh with your description of her - are you sure she's actually okay? 

An Angry and Flatulent Pig, Trying to Tie Balloon Animals
She's alive, by technician (2.00 / 0) #2 Mon Sep 21, 2020 at 07:50:41 PM EST
and she's well, but is she really OK? I'm not sure.

[ Parent ]
Heh. by ObviousTroll (4.00 / 1) #3 Mon Sep 21, 2020 at 07:51:56 PM EST
Okay - it's your business, not mine, but I hope she did it because she thinks you don't need her anymore. ;-) 

An Angry and Flatulent Pig, Trying to Tie Balloon Animals
[ Parent ]
Elevator dreams by clock (4.00 / 1) #4 Tue Sep 22, 2020 at 09:32:19 AM EST
I have them frequently enough that when I start having one, I will start to try to scream myself awake. They're always large freight elevators in shafts that are too large and allow them to swing recklessly. They speed up and drop too quickly.

One of the reasons I was in great shape living in NYC is that I lived on the 22nd floor of my building and the elevators kept getting stuck. Anxiety gave me a great cardio workout daily.

Yeah. Just yeah.


I agree with clock entirely --Kellnerin

As you know by technician (4.00 / 1) #6 Tue Sep 22, 2020 at 06:28:07 PM EST
It's a control thing.

All that feeling out of control about something big.

I sincerely hate them in dreams.

[ Parent ]
I keep a dream log. by dev trash (4.00 / 1) #5 Tue Sep 22, 2020 at 05:28:57 PM EST
Usually I don't get to it ( it's a github repo ) until after work so I lose a lot of details but since the pandemic started I've had 2 dreams that had masks as a theme.  And neither seemed all that...bad.  My night terrors are starting to cycle thru again though.

--
I DON'T CARE ABOUT YOUR BALLS! ->clock
My dream journals by technician (2.00 / 0) #7 Tue Sep 22, 2020 at 06:31:05 PM EST
I keep a small journal and a pencil next to the bed. I don't turn any lights on, so things are sometimes unreadable, but the act of taking it down normally cements the memory.

Sometimes though it's just a mess.

[ Parent ]
Dreams by Merekat (4.00 / 1) #8 Wed Sep 23, 2020 at 12:28:53 AM EST
I don’t sleep enough to dream it seems

You dream... by ObviousTroll (2.00 / 0) #13 Wed Sep 23, 2020 at 08:20:16 PM EST
you just don't wake up while you're dreaming, which is the only way to remember your dreams. 

An Angry and Flatulent Pig, Trying to Tie Balloon Animals
[ Parent ]
Or by Merekat (2.00 / 0) #14 Thu Sep 24, 2020 at 12:56:09 AM EST
I wake up so often at night I never settle in to a dream cycle enough to wake up in one.

[ Parent ]
Ooof. by ObviousTroll (2.00 / 0) #15 Thu Sep 24, 2020 at 10:12:39 AM EST
Yeah, that occurred to me, but I didn't want to wish it on you... 

An Angry and Flatulent Pig, Trying to Tie Balloon Animals
[ Parent ]
Anxiety dreams by wiredog (4.00 / 1) #9 Wed Sep 23, 2020 at 06:43:19 AM EST
Mine tend to be the usual sort. I'm in college, it's finals week, and there's this class I forgot I signed up for or never went to and I'm Doomed. Or I'm back in the Army, heading off to Basic Training.

A few times a year I get a drinking dream. Always that I'm drinking, or preparing to, with someone who has also been sober for years and/or who I know enough about that I know that drinking with them would be an adventure, and not a fun one. A couple weeks ago I dreamed I was on a Costco Booze Run with a woman who's currently sober 19 years, living in Baton Rouge, married, with 2 kids. And who, when she got sober, was a high school goth girl.

Earth First!
(We can strip mine the rest later.)

Variation on the college dream by ana (2.00 / 0) #10 Wed Sep 23, 2020 at 09:51:54 AM EST
I had a friend & colleague who was working with us doing engineering documentation. She was a grad student in the German department. The dream is that she had somehow asked me to take one of her classes (maybe that time she went with the mechanical engineers to a vibration test at NASA/Goddard?). With my high school and a bit of college German lo these 40 years gone.

I think I prefer the showing up cold for a final exam one, for a course I didn't know I was supposed to attend.

Time is too strange now for a real plot. --clock

[ Parent ]
The "class I forgot" dream by ObviousTroll (2.00 / 0) #12 Wed Sep 23, 2020 at 08:19:06 PM EST
I had that one almost daily up until a few years ago. Not sure why it stopped, but at some point I just kind of worked out the operating rules of my own nightmares and things started getting increasingly meta so that I don't even have to be completely aware that I'm dreaming but still be aware that I can alter the dream. For a while I even had a habit of "pausing" a dream that was going badly and "reloading" from an earlier save point to try and change it. At this point things are so meta that this morning I was dreaming about having a meal with Troll Jr. and trying to figure out when we were by how young he looked... 

I haven't decided if I've achieved some kind of personal growth or permanently harmed my brain's ability to rest by mangling my own dream state.



An Angry and Flatulent Pig, Trying to Tie Balloon Animals
[ Parent ]
I dreamed about potatoes by iGrrrl (4.00 / 1) #11 Wed Sep 23, 2020 at 02:30:26 PM EST
I dreamed I bought 5 lbs of potatoes, came home and found I already had 1 5-lb bag and half of another. I don't eat potatoes, but I feed them to my family.

As for therapy, I've gotten a lot more in the last year from my coach than I would have from a therapist (happy to refer and he mostly works with men). Therapy is about getting you up to baseline. If you're functioning, coaching is about helping you get up to where you want to be.

"Beautiful wine, talking of scattered everythings"
(and thanks to Scrymarch)

Two | 15 comments (15 topical, 0 hidden)