Print Story It's all in the way
Diary
By technician (Wed Oct 30, 2019 at 01:00:17 PM EST) (all tags)
you regret.


I broke up with my therapist via text message. Well, not really: after seven years of pretty regular visits, she'd started not being available for our calls (when I moved here, we moved to phone calls). Normally that would manifest as her straight up forgetting that we had an appointment. This after four-ish years of me being here, wherein she'd not accepted payment; this felt less like therapy and more like just chatting with a friend. And that is a valuable thing, and I do miss it, but it wasn't really therapy any longer, it was talking to someone who knew every aspect of me while I sorted out, out loud, my feelings about things.

So after she'd missed a few meetings, she texted me to schedule a different time, and I texted back that maybe now was a good time for a break, ya know? And she never texted back. She's either dead or she took my text at a different value of emotion than I thought I'd expressed. Anyhow. A bad ending to a very good relationship, and I miss her.

My talks with her were primarily about my job, my lack of any sort of joy in my day to day life, and the sudden multitude of dead people in my life over the last seven years. Starting with my uncle, then my grandmother, then Gordon, then my grandfather, then my brother, then my other grandfather. Somewhere in there, probably after I became an only child, I pretty much just stopped engaging with my own life: my routine was the only thing I had. I wake up at 0415, grabe a shower, pack my lunch, drive 45 minutes to work. I work ten hours, then drive an hour or more home. I eat something, I drink an entire bottle of something, and I pass out.

So, now, hey, look. Patterns are what we are about, but there's not much good in that one, hey? So I spent a few years digging into it, and found....nothing at all. I have no desire to continue it, but it's easy, ya know?

So instead I gave up everything I enjoyed, and from that starting point, I let that guide me. I stopped drinking for about seven months last year, and now drink off and on, but nothing heroic; I'm tired of poison, and all it does is fuck with my depression. I gave up all animal products from my diet a couple of years ago, and while my cholesterol went up one point (exceedingly difficult if you're vegan) and I had to get on a statin, I'm mostly OK diet-wise. I also stopped eating lots of food, and just eat a little. I only eat now because I have to, and hey, I'm at the same body weight I was at when I was fat in my 20s. Thirty five pounds down, since july. That's like 2.5 stone sterling or whatever.

In the interim, while I was not drinking or eating and not improving my cholesterol or blood pressure, I started really spending time with music. I assembled, with the cunning use of money, a couple of sound systems that 15 year old me really wanted. My primary critical system had remained fairly static for about two years. It was very, very good (300 watt class A/B amp, vintage Marantz quad for a pre-amp, Fluance turntable, Denon SACD, Schiit DAC with an IBM thin client running a Linux distro called DAphile that, to my experience, is better than Roon, and a pair of Klipsch KG-4 with Bob Crites crossovers and Crites titanium tweeter diaphragms). It's precisely the kind of thing a childless white guy in his later 40s starts to get into.

I built an amplifier, a kit from a guy called Dan who runs an outfit called Akitika (which is palindromic, and easy to remember). It's a chipamp, good for 50-ish watts into my Klipsch. I had a hell of a time with the kit. In my 20s I soldered, and was taught how by a guy who helped wire the primary cockpit controls for the Columbia. He was very, very strict and I learned a hell of a lot from him, but it is a frangible skill, and I had none of it left.

I sent the amp back to Dan, he fixed two things, admired my heatsink mod, and now it's the beating heart of my system.

So I've got that: I can listen to music and it sounds great. And that's the very best part of my week.

The rest of it may catch up. I'll have to see. Without my therapist things aren't worse, but I liked having someone to talk to about things that you talk to therapists about, so I might have to locate one locally. I've also got plans for the future (well, plans for December), which is new. After my brother kicked the bucket, I sort of lost any interest in things more than a few minutes ahead of me. But now I'm planning a trip in December to see a friend from Austin, somewhere in New Mexico. So there's that.

There's a thing with recovery, where it's always "recovery" and never "recovered." I've been recovering from things my whole goddamn life, from abuse to substances to events to things that literally all of you have dealt with, and it's odd to think of things in terms of how far along we are, where we are in the path of recovery from the last disasters. But that's where I'm at, at the moment: always recovering. Once I got that in my head, that there's no stable location to land? Once that was in there, everything seemed less dire. I'm OK with that for now. It'll all change, anyway.

< I had a werd nightmare of sorts | No Medical treatments for you if you are racist or sexist or discriminate or make excessive noise >
It's all in the way | 11 comments (11 topical, 0 hidden)
Trips are good by clock (4.00 / 2) #1 Wed Oct 30, 2019 at 03:48:33 PM EST
It's nice to get out and run some tires on the road.

Very cool on the Hi-Fi front. It's a good hobby to really lay down some roots.

I dunno, man. We should hang out sometime soon. We keep talking about heading out your way. We should go for 2-3 weeks or something so we can see everyone we need to see and I can beat my Jeep against some trails.

You have my number, should the mood ever strike.


I agree with clock entirely --Kellnerin

I have a former co-worker by georgeha (4.00 / 1) #2 Thu Oct 31, 2019 at 12:53:07 PM EST
who is spending his free time restoring vintage audio equipment. His current project is a Sansui AU-7900.

"I chose to replace every electrolytic on this board, the labor to pull the board is a hassle, about an hour or so to remove, and I am pretty sure the designer of this unit had a brother in the screw and nut business.. hahahaa.. lots of fun bonding the collector nuts to the power board.. but it worked great, no collector to heat sink shorts."

Previously he did a PL400,  KR9600, A77 Revox. It looks like a fun hobby, I think he's semi-retired.


Those Sansui by technician (2.00 / 0) #4 Sat Nov 02, 2019 at 11:30:42 AM EST
are really nice, very well made, and a total pain in the ass to work on.

The Marantz I have needs power supply work, but I'm not using the amp in it at the moment. It'll be a bear to work on, but hopefully it'll be worthwhile.

[ Parent ]
I've never had a Sansui to deal with by georgeha (4.00 / 1) #9 Mon Nov 04, 2019 at 02:24:12 PM EST
and as far as being an audiophile, mostly focused on tape decks. I have a cool Bic in pieces that I could never fix, a 2 head Nakamichi and a 3 heard Onkyo, and maybe a few more.

Back in pre-broadband days, good tape decks were the easiest was to get Grateful Dead shows.


[ Parent ]
Y'know, you might benefit from a coach by iGrrrl (4.00 / 2) #3 Sat Nov 02, 2019 at 09:20:38 AM EST
Not covered by insurance, but I found it more useful than therapy at this point. I'm fine. I'm not broken. I just want to be more. I want to break some patterns, etc. He's been better than any therapy.

"Beautiful wine, talking of scattered everythings"
(and thanks to Scrymarch)

That's an excellent suggestion. by technician (2.00 / 0) #5 Sat Nov 02, 2019 at 11:31:23 AM EST
I'll have to see who's local.

[ Parent ]
Phone is good by iGrrrl (4.00 / 1) #6 Sat Nov 02, 2019 at 05:25:07 PM EST
My coach is in upstate NY, so it's more fit than proximity. Are you still under this name at gmail?

"Beautiful wine, talking of scattered everythings"
(and thanks to Scrymarch)

[ Parent ]
Yep. by technician (2.00 / 0) #7 Sat Nov 02, 2019 at 07:01:02 PM EST
Though I find I dislike the phone for things like this, I'd be happy to check it out.

[ Parent ]
Wait no actually old name by technician (4.00 / 1) #8 Sat Nov 02, 2019 at 11:22:09 PM EST
at gmail.

[ Parent ]
love by 256 (4.00 / 1) #10 Sun Nov 24, 2019 at 12:24:39 AM EST
nt
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I don't think anyone's ever really died from smoking. --ni
It’s good to see an update by jimgon (4.00 / 1) #11 Mon Dec 02, 2019 at 08:07:48 PM EST

I don’t know. Just good to know you’re out there. I still think of the mid-90s as the good times. 

 


 


 




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Technician - "We can't even get decent physical health care. Mental health is like witchcraft here."
It's all in the way | 11 comments (11 topical, 0 hidden)