Print Story My Star Wars the Force Awakens Review (Spoilers)
By Gedvondur (Mon Dec 21, 2015 at 01:21:58 PM EST) star wars, fanboys, chemical castration (all tags)
Inspired by Millman....I was going to comment in his diary, but it turned out to be WAY too long.


Star Wars, The Nostalgia Awakens, was fun and worth watching, and couldn't live up to the hype, nothing really could overcome overblown expectations.  But it's no excuse for Abrams to simply go all Ready Player One on the entire movie and stop trying.  It was a fun, action packed movie.  It will be fun to watch it again on DVD or digital download. But it could have been so much *more* and I mourn what it could have been.   8/10

The writing, however, was terrible.  It was *EVERY* trope from the three original movies and the nostalgia button not only taped down but power screwed down.  On top of that, it’s 10lbs of shit in a five-pound bag.  We really do need some backstory on the First Order and what the FUCK exactly happened after the events of Return of the Jedi.  Ya, ya, I know reveal later, but honestly it’s hard to take the First Order seriously if you don’t know exactly how much power it has or where or why the Republic can’t fight it.  Why, for instance, is there a resistance?  This stuff would have made events make more sense.

Fin, What’s Her Face, and Kylo Ren all got insufficient character development. Especially Fin.  Lifelong conditioning and he gives up after one deployment?  Really?

Main picking points:

"You think Han Solo is the father you never had..."  ya, right like she's known him for less than 24 hours.

Why, when the Falcon returned to the resistance base, did Leia go hug What’s Her Face, rather than Chewbacca, whom she's known for decades and shared a bond with over Han Solo?

Another.  Death.  Star.   Stop it.  Just stop.  Badly thought out, repetitive, and just kinda sad in a cringing way.

  • ·        If it takes all of the *sun* to fire it, why were they able to fire it twice?
  • ·        What the fuck were they going to do after they wrecked the sun?  Hyperspace the *fucking planet* to another sun?
  • ·        If you can eat all the energy of a sun, you don't *need* to destroy the planet.  Just waste the sun.  Duh.  The rest will take care of itself.
  • ·        If you are writing a movie and you make your McGuffin the *same fucking thing* for the third time, reconsider.
  • ·        A third Death Star? Really?  Come on.


Poor Carrie Fisher.  She must have had some bad shit go down with her face, because it looks like nothing above her upper lip moves.  She's wearing a Carrie Fisher mask. I kinda felt bad for her.

Oh, and "Turn the shield off or we shoot you"  "Durr, okay" That was *just* fucking stupid.  Then they toss her into a garbage compactor?  Ya, I know, it was a cheap yuk, but come on.  Commander Silver Stormtrooper woman should have been willing to fucking *die* than turn off that shield.

Oh, and Fin conning the entire Resistance to attack the Death Star III, (The Deathstaring) with ZERO plan to actually let them succeed?  What the actual FUCK?  He was going to let everyone else die so he could have a chance at slapping uglies with What’s Her Face?  Real hero there.  Got his priorities straight. 

This leads to the thought of WHY Stormtroopers have gonads or any sex organs to begin with.  Gotta interfere with their training and conditioning.  Perhaps he was being continually chemically castrated and then when he got away for a few days was overwhelmed by the 12-year-old boy good looks of What’s Her Face.  A penis is a terrible thing, apparently.

Honestly, not a huge surprise that they killed Han Solo.  I wouldn't be surprised if Harrison Ford insisted on it. He really wants to walk away from the Star Wars legacy, he's not comfortable with the rabid fandom.  Plus, nobody likes to see their greatest hero in a wheelchair.  Heroes like Han Solo don't die at home in bed, so at least they go that right. Plus they now have Flashy Pilot to replace him.  No, I don't remember his name either.  Probably San Holo, if Abrams was allowed to pick it.  Can't get too on the nose with that guy.

Let’s talk about the map to Luke for a moment.  It implies that Luke, on his way to self-imposed exile, wandered around the galaxy leaving parts of a map for others to find.  Man, that had to have been a bummer after Kylo Ren and shit, to have to wander around spreading map pieces like Johnny Appleseed.  Because you don’t want your self-imposed exile to be disturbed by people looking for you.  Unless you really went away because you wanted attention.  Perhaps Luke’s exile was some kind of long-term Jedi pouting?  But remember, many Bothans died for these idiots to not be able to extrapolate a single piece of a fucking star chart, despite having sentient computers and twenty thousand years of astrological data.  Another sad, poorly thought out McGuffin.  But I’ll take it all day over Death Star III.

Hey, lets talk about Jakku.  You know, the planet formerly known as Tattoine.

Did you think that perhaps JJ Abrams wants to have sex with the Millennium Falcon?  A friend pointed out to me that spread-eagle shots of the Falcon were Abram’s “lens flare fetish” for this particular movie and I can’t help but agree.  It’s real nice that the Falcon, after sitting for years and years, just runs great despite neglect, age, and abuse.  Oh, and getting more ground-to-ship contact than a Sno-Coaster.  On the plus side, it will make it easy for them to simply ram the Falcon through the Death Star IV in the next movie.

This movie could have been so over the top awesome, but Exhibit A, JJ Abrams, is a terrible fucking writer.  After fucking up a few Star Trek movies, somebody decided that it was okay for him to fuck up some Star Wars movies.  I can’t understand why anyone ever let him write again after Lost.  That was a hot mess the moment they got the order for season two.  It was pretty clear that Abrams and his team had *no* idea what to do after the first season, so he resorted to time travel.  Say…didn’t he resort to time travel in Star Trek too?  Want to make a *bet* on whether he resorts to time travel in Star Wars next?


Now for things I liked.

I liked Fin’s backstory and the *fear* of the First Order.  It was refreshing to see actual terror of the bad guys.  They make a point to make the First Order terrifying, but then Fin is the only character who is *actually* afraid of them.  Everyone else is apparently brain damaged.  It could be that Fin’s anti-nut-sack medications actually make him rational.  But if that logic is true, then What’s Her Face would actually have nuts of her own.  Which would explain her lack of clear thinking when it comes to…well almost everything.

The pacing was fast.  Almost too fast.  It had a nice adventure feel, although you started to feel exhausted for the main characters who do all of this in seemingly 24 hours. 

What’s Her Face wasn’t a complete nitwit. They also managed to ensure, for the most part, that she wasn’t the helpless little Disney Princess that she could have been.  She stood up for herself and kicked ass when appropriate. She fell into the whole Force thing a *little* too fast after not even believing in Jedi 12 hours earlier.  But that’s forgivable and I kind of liked the character, despite not being able to remember her name.

Anyway, this was a fun movie and I was glad to have seen it.  But it’s not the cat’s ass like most Star War’s fanboys have been making it out to be.  It’s a decent, if story-flawed effort that should have been *epic* but just ended up as good.

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My Star Wars the Force Awakens Review (Spoilers) | 16 comments (16 topical, 0 hidden)
Do you feel like it could have been a better movie by debacle (4.00 / 1) #1 Mon Dec 21, 2015 at 01:39:05 PM EST
If they recast Luke, Leia, and Han?


No by Gedvondur (2.00 / 0) #2 Mon Dec 21, 2015 at 02:26:37 PM EST
I just feel bad for Carrie Fisher.  Something bad happened to her face. 

Same for Mark Hamill for that matter, he had a car crash between A New Hope and Empire, if I remember rightly.  It's why his face is the way it is right now.  It wasn't that noticeable in the movie, but you could see it in his appearances in The Flash.

[ Parent ]
Carrie Fisher by StackyMcRacky (4.00 / 1) #9 Mon Dec 21, 2015 at 07:38:55 PM EST
went all Joan Rivers years ago.  Has been quite public about her plastic surgery.

[ Parent ]
I had no idea by Gedvondur (2.00 / 0) #11 Tue Dec 22, 2015 at 11:45:47 AM EST
I just know that she was actually hard to watch. 

[ Parent ]
My comments on your comments by hulver (4.00 / 2) #3 Mon Dec 21, 2015 at 02:32:49 PM EST
Yeah the map was pretty stupid.

And the commander dropping the shields was daft as well, that was one of the points that made me say "Why would she do that?"

As to some of your other points.

I thought Fin just expected Han to do something, because he was this hero who'd helped blow up two death stars already so he must have a pretty good idea what to do, and a bag full of explosives as well.

And the Millenium Falcon didn't just work, it was going wrong all over the place. The gun stopped working, Ray (that's her name BTW) was having to jump around all over the place fixing things. Plus she obviously knew a lot about it, because she was telling Han about all the modifications that had been done to it since he'd last seen it.

Overall I enjoyed it (despite only seeing a dodgy Cam copy as I've got no way of getting to the cinema anytime soon).

It was so much better than all the "prequals" it's not funny. I actually was interested in the characters. The cgi stuff wasn't too cgi-y.

I'm now just expecting him to stuff up the next one as badly as he stuffed up Into Darkness. I'm hoping he got the fan service out of the way in this one, and can just get on with telling the story in the next one.

As to your comments about Carrie Fisher. Just fuck off with it, ok? I tried to watch another review about the film this morning, and turned it off because they were having such a yuck-yuck about her face. Fucking hillarious. Maybe if older women (or women in general) could get decent parts by being allowed to still act their age when they got older, things might be different.
Cheese is not a hat. - clock

I think you misunderstand by Gedvondur (2.00 / 0) #4 Mon Dec 21, 2015 at 03:37:51 PM EST
I'm not hacking on Fisher because she's damaged or older.  I'm actually concerned that she's got Bel's palsy or some other issue and feel bad for her.  That kind of facial stillness is the result of muscle damage from illness or something else that went wrong, not because Fisher wanted it that way.  If it's the result of surgery because of Hollywood then I feel bad about it too.  I would have been fine with perfectly natural her-age Carrie Fisher.  I wasn't trying to have a laugh about it, it was like I said, I feel bad for her, not because she got old, but because *something* that I imagine she didn't intend happened to her face and it's so total I think it might be medical rather than elective.

Despite my salt around the movie, I enjoyed it too and I think that there are characters who could *really* bloom. Fin and Rey are the most promising Star Wars characters I've seen in a long time.  (There must be something about her name that I can't keep in my head, I had to scroll up and look at your comment again.  Rey. It just doesn't stick with me.) 

[ Parent ]
I did, Sorry. by hulver (4.00 / 1) #5 Mon Dec 21, 2015 at 04:23:03 PM EST
Those cunts on Youtube really got my back up about it.
Cheese is not a hat. - clock
[ Parent ]
I can't blame you by Gedvondur (2.00 / 0) #7 Mon Dec 21, 2015 at 06:41:46 PM EST
People are unkind and I didn't fully explain myself in the original post.

[ Parent ]
Regarding What's Her Face and the Force by Phil the Canuck (4.00 / 2) #6 Mon Dec 21, 2015 at 04:47:08 PM EST
It's established early on that she can fight melee so her being able to handle a lightsaber at the end isn't a big deal, especially against a badly-wounded Ren.  It's also made two-by-four-to-the-face clear that she gleans as much info from Ren during the interrogation as he does from her. Then there is her mysterious past and the strong suggestion that she's had some level of training and has simply forgotten.

Luke went from farm hand to using the Force to blow up the Death Star in the span of one movie and we all wet ourselves with delight over that one.

Well yes by Gedvondur (2.00 / 0) #8 Mon Dec 21, 2015 at 06:44:41 PM EST
But at least with Luke there was the impression of time passing and of Obi-Wan doing some training in between.

As to handing the me that's the most dangerous weapon the user.  One false move and you cut yourself in half.  :-)  When I used to play a d6 version of the Star Wars role playing game, a non-Jedi who picked up a lightsaber was about 50% likely to cut off an arm or a foot if he did anything more complicated than cut open a belly for shelter.

[ Parent ]
Point of Order: by ammoniacal (4.00 / 2) #10 Tue Dec 22, 2015 at 12:45:44 AM EST
"Especially Fin. Lifelong conditioning and he gives up after one deployment? Really?"

Lifelong conditioning as sanitation staff.
As a vet, that point's a pass from me.

"To this day that was the most bullshit caesar salad I have every experienced..." - triggerfinger

More than one MOS by Gedvondur (2.00 / 0) #12 Tue Dec 22, 2015 at 11:46:55 AM EST
Well, sure.  He was sanitation staff.  If that's all he was it begs the question, what was he doing on a patrol detail?

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There's sanitation by anonimouse (4.00 / 1) #13 Tue Dec 22, 2015 at 01:10:41 PM EST
...and "sanitation" 

Girls come and go but a mortgage is for 25 years -- JtL
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I just read... by ammoniacal (2.00 / 0) #15 Wed Dec 23, 2015 at 12:48:28 AM EST
that we are introduced to Finn on his second deployment, so he is still green. If you can map real human behavior to this fictional universe, that's a perfectly normal outcome.

"To this day that was the most bullshit caesar salad I have every experienced..." - triggerfinger

[ Parent ]
I was in Costco yesterday by theboz (4.00 / 1) #14 Tue Dec 22, 2015 at 06:04:20 PM EST
While browsing the book section, I found a book with a name something like, "Everything you need to know about Star Wars The Force Awakens" that covered some of the things you mentioned. It was actually very informative and helped me understand a lot better what was going on in the star wars galaxy at that time.
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That's what I always say about you, boz, you have a good memory for random facts about pussy. -- joh3n
Stormtroopers and gonads by Vulch (4.00 / 1) #16 Fri Dec 25, 2015 at 04:15:14 PM EST
I now have the vision of Unsullied Stormtroopers.

My Star Wars the Force Awakens Review (Spoilers) | 16 comments (16 topical, 0 hidden)