I was at a big IT conference this week in sunny-but-still-strangely-cold Las Vegas. Having one of those weeks where I feel I can do no right.
First, I pissed off a VP by dissing one of his products. He got pretty hot under the collar and threatened me with my job. Later, my boss smoothed it over and told me that I was pretty much right about the product, just not the time and place. He was right, I was a dumb-ass and I’m still kicking myself for it.
I’ve had several awkward conversations with people, only awkward because I seem to have lost the ability to make small talk or even converse in a half way normal fashion. These are things I normally can do. I can talk, I have the gift of gab, at least to a small extent. This fucking week, however, I am tongue-tied and to make it worse what I do say lacks insight or intelligence. It’s like I rolled a collective 1 for the week.
I don’t know what the fuck is wrong. I know I don’t like the tech industry anymore. I’m just tired of it. I’m tired of negativity for the company I work for, much of it undeserved. I know very well that because we are big and a market leader we have a target painted on our backs. But I am tired of the same old man-on-the-street shallow complaints about the company. It’s exhausting to have to address them time and time again. Maybe it’s just because I’ve been so deep into it the last week. Not sure.
It doesn’t really matter how tired of tech I am anyway. Anything I really want to do doesn’t pay squat, and I have become accustomed to a certain lifestyle. I can’t just up and change careers, not unless I am willing to take a 50% pay cut. Possibly more.
I don’t know, ever since the surgery and the almost dying thing I think I’m having some sort of mid-life crisis. Not a typical one where I buy sports cars and try to relive my youth either. A mid-life crisis where I’m depressed and afraid of dying, even though I am no longer in any particular danger. Its not all the time, the flip side of it is new appreciation for the things I have, my wife, my parents, my friends, my dogs and cat. I just feel strange, like I was supposed to die in May but just didn’t and now there is no plan for me. Not like there was before, but that’s the feeling, if not the belief.
Anyway, Christmas is coming and with it a two-week respite from work. Hopefully that will allow me to recharge my batteries and get my head straight.
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