NASA Mission Control, for its part, refused to comment on the rumor that Cortez only recently discovered that the plutonium batteries on the Voyager Spacecraft were expected to run out of energy within the next 30 years, meaning that he would no longer be able to listen to his Bob Seeger tapes on the on-board 8-track.
According to a spokesman who refused to be identified but who brandished a two-handed battle-ax and threatened to "dismast at the knees" anybody who wrote negatively of Mr. Cortez's presidential aspirations, Cortez, as soon as he reenters Earth orbit, will announce that he has accepted the presidential nomination from the Connecticut for Lieberman party, with Joe Lieberman as his running mate. According to mimeographed flyers found on the ground of the Hartford, CT, Cortez/Lieberman headquarters (still redolent of sweet-smelling solvent), Cortez's platform will be, "For me, rum, kapusta and pussy; for you people, whatever you can take that isn't nailed down."
He has scheduled three debates with Mr. Romney and Mr. Obama, who have announced that they will be represented by empty chairs on stage.
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