Print Story Cortez the Killer Sends Word from the Heliosheath of His Plans to Return to Earth
Diary
By johnny (Sun Sep 09, 2012 at 12:41:25 PM EST) (all tags)
Cortez the Killer, navigator of the seven seas on Earth and uncounted others on the Planets and their satellites, broadswordsman, honest broker, jailbreak artist and alleged Ponzi-schemer ("Not true!" sez he. "What I want, I take. Cortez does not inveigle."), erstwhile Republican strategist, outfielder for the Boston Red Sox, holy grail of paparazzi everywhere, theologian in the Anschluss School ("God isn't dead, e's pining for the fjords"), fedora-wearing hipster foodie, Know-nothing, Erlang hacker, major stockholder in the Plague Mill Mall Corporation, owner of nine U.S. Patents for penis-enhancing concoctions, Official Chronicler of the Apostolic Succession and general badass-fo-hire, sends word from Voyager 1 on the edge of the solar system that he plans to return to Earth in time to throw his feathered cap into the ring and run for President of the United States of America as a "Third Party Candidate."


"God Fucking Dammit" he said in his official missive. "Nobody told me anything about a 'sheath' when I signed on for this mission. I never have had, nor ever will, have anything to do with any kind of sheath, whether penile, stellar or whatever the fuck you call those things weasels store their swords in. Cortez's weapons will always be at the ready, sirrah. Looks like NASA will have to find somebody else to act as chaplain for this mission to convert the little green men to the One True Faith. Matey."

NASA Mission Control, for its part, refused to comment on the rumor that Cortez only recently discovered that the plutonium batteries on the Voyager Spacecraft were expected to run out of energy within the next 30 years, meaning that he would no longer be able to listen to his Bob Seeger tapes on the on-board 8-track.

According to a spokesman who refused to be identified but who brandished a two-handed battle-ax and threatened to "dismast at the knees" anybody who wrote negatively of Mr. Cortez's presidential aspirations, Cortez, as soon as he reenters Earth orbit, will announce that he has accepted the presidential nomination from the Connecticut for Lieberman party, with Joe Lieberman as his running mate. According to mimeographed flyers found on the ground of the Hartford, CT, Cortez/Lieberman headquarters (still redolent of sweet-smelling solvent), Cortez's platform will be, "For me, rum, kapusta and pussy; for you people, whatever you can take that isn't nailed down."

He has scheduled three debates with Mr. Romney and Mr. Obama, who have announced that they will be represented by empty chairs on stage.

< Every morning | LHUSI Drinks At The Anchor. >
Cortez the Killer Sends Word from the Heliosheath of His Plans to Return to Earth | 8 comments (8 topical, 0 hidden)
woah, are you that guy i saw at the bus station? by the mariner (4.00 / 2) #1 Sun Sep 09, 2012 at 02:51:10 PM EST
 

Mariner, I surmise by your handle by johnny (4.00 / 2) #2 Sun Sep 09, 2012 at 04:08:32 PM EST
that you & Cortez the Killer share a nautical interest. Depending on how recently you sailed in to HuSi's harbor, you may not recognize Mr. Cortez. He's made ports of call in my diary & its K5 predecessor intermittently over the last dozen years or so. Last we heard from him, if I rightly recall, was more than two years ago:

http://www.hulver.com/scoop/story/2010/8/7/43933/57780

Friendly advice: should you ever run into Mr. Cortez at a bus station, offer to buy him a cup of coffee. He's partial to Sumatran, for it not only tastes good, but reminds him an exquisite maiden he knew in Sumatra sometime in the 1700's.

She has effectively checked out. She's an un-person of her own making. So it falls to me.--ad hoc (in the hole)

[ Parent ]
Goddamn fucking Cortez by technician (4.00 / 5) #3 Sun Sep 09, 2012 at 08:32:54 PM EST
how I've missed ya.

Be careful by kwsNI (4.00 / 5) #4 Mon Sep 10, 2012 at 07:43:52 AM EST
In the past month, I've learned that you can lose a debate to an empty chair. 

Hmm. . . by johnny (4.00 / 1) #6 Mon Sep 10, 2012 at 09:07:13 PM EST
Cortez's normal reaction would be to lop heads off with a cutlas. But if nobody's there, that does pose some logistical problems.

She has effectively checked out. She's an un-person of her own making. So it falls to me.--ad hoc (in the hole)
[ Parent ]
I almost bought a board yesterday. by wiredog (2.00 / 0) #5 Mon Sep 10, 2012 at 08:39:41 AM EST
A nice 7' Merrick. But I wouldn't be riding it until next year, so I decided to wait.

Earth First!
(We can strip mine the rest later.)

Dude, by johnny (2.00 / 0) #7 Mon Sep 10, 2012 at 09:10:16 PM EST
A 7' board -- what are you, a teenager? Mine's a 9' battleship.

If you & I don't make into the waves together in 2013, I think we should convoke a public shaming on Husi. This makes, I think, the 3rd or 4th year in a row we've agreed to go out & ride the wild surf together & haven't done so.

Next year in Ocean City, fer sher.

She has effectively checked out. She's an un-person of her own making. So it falls to me.--ad hoc (in the hole)

[ Parent ]
9' longboard is too long by wiredog (2.00 / 0) #8 Tue Sep 11, 2012 at 10:59:37 AM EST
If the surf is more than chest high, anyway. I'm gonna dump the 9'4" for a nice lightweight 8' and get a 7' for the bigger stuff.

Earth First!
(We can strip mine the rest later.)

[ Parent ]
Cortez the Killer Sends Word from the Heliosheath of His Plans to Return to Earth | 8 comments (8 topical, 0 hidden)