1) Everything is too noisy. Seriously, people should just shut up. They shouldn't talk, because when they do they are tedious and boring, and when they're not talking they certainly shouldn't play their pop music to fill the void. Nobody likes pop music.

2) Nobody reads enough. It's cool when you can argue from first principles and come up with something that was really ground-breaking two and half thousand years ago, but I'd appreciate it if we could move the conversion into territory less trod. Why not try reading up on what you're spouting off about first, to avoid re-runs? Time is money, kid.

3) It's not all in the book. Your extensive studies are not, in fact, a substitute for experience. I regret that my explicatory powers are too meagre to prove this to you academically; I recommend learning it from the world. Please report back in a decade and we'll see if you haven't progressed.

4) You're driving too fast. Just slow the fuck down. It's dangerous. Plus patience is a virtue. You'll get there when you get there. Your car is a weapon: respect it. Being mangled doesn't actually cut that much time off your trip. Also, scaring other drivers is rude.

5) Use profanity tactfully. It's hard to take you seriously, you dumb garbage-mouthed son of a bitch.

6) It is more dignified to tolerate indignity with equanimity than it is to rail against it in defense of your dignity. Fresh people have trouble swallowing this, but it's a fact.

7) Spelling counts. Reliance on spellcheck for any sense of coherency in your writing infantilizes you as much as uptalking. We, your fellow apes, are judging your cerebral vigour largely on your use of language whether it is a reasonable proxy for your abilities or not.

8) You're not cynical, you're depressed. Cynicism feigned by young people is embarrassing to everyone in the room. We don't know where to look. Just call yourself a "pessimist" and be done with it -- being world-weary can't be easily faked.

9) My interest in what you're saying is inversely proportional to your use of the first person pronoun. Also, why not simply consider shutting up? (q.v. #1)

10) Europeans and cool people eat dinner too late. Myself, I get a bit peckish right after my nap. Plus nobody wants to dream about having to fart.

11) All of this has happened before. They have a plan.

12) New things are pointless and unnecessarily complex. I don't trust the cloud, and I never will. Look at me shaking my fist angrily at it. Up yours, cloud!

13) Prudishness is a waste of time. You only get so many decades for fucking, people. Let's not lolligag and blush when we could be coupling. Stop judging other people's sexiness or licentiousness or and just pet something heavily already.

14) It isn't cellulite, it's joie de vivre. I'm jolly, motherfucker.

15) There's nothing wrong with cougars. Everybody needs a little loving, even leather-faced Delilahs.

16) Breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Coffee is not a meal. Your ass hates you.

17) Anti-anxiety is a skill, not a pill. Band-aids help but they don't heal.

18) Peace trumps righteousness. Can't we all just get along, even you nice folks who are so hopelessly incorrect about everything?

19) Your career will never love you. So don't love it too much.

20) Smell is for time travelling not complaining. Don't judge the air, just savour it. It's your ticket out of the assisted care centre later on.