Print Story crashing the procyon party
there were far fewer granola bars in my kitchen than usual this morning.

i was under-slept and cranky.
there was a trail of pistachio shells leading from the bottom of the porch steps to the other side of the yard.

at around midnight, i woke up. the sheets were wet with sweat, i had tuned my pillow over and around but there was no cool surface to lie on, the air in the room was still.
i fumbled out of bed, shambled into the kitchen and opened the back door.
the screen door was ajar. after having left it wide open so many nights these last few sweltering weeks, even on garbage and compost collection night, with no ill effects i thought nothing of it.

sleep didn't come easily.
i woke up at around 3 to a small commotion and cursed the adorable nocturnal habits of my beloved rodent pets bravo and fuggles.
but the noise kept up, and it wasn't a gnawing noise, or the squeaking of an exercise wheel (we'd just fixed that with some teflon) or even the sound of fuggles' cardboard box house being dragged though fresh hay in one of his fits of interior design.
the sound continued.
as i became more awake, i realized it was the sound of unwrapping. it was coming from the kitchen.
i blundered naked into the kitchen doorway.
there, sitting demurely on the round red doormat were two strange yearling male raccoons. the normal household raccoon was a large male who liked to eat bread and watch charlie's angels and other sexy action-comedies with our neighbour.
i took an assertive step into the kitchen.
i fully expected them to scatter and vanish when they saw me.
they merely regarded me with that bland acceptance common to jaded city dwellers and stuffed more nutri-grain bar into their mouths with their little hands. (they had previously eaten my last 3 sweet and salty bars, and all but one of the fruit n' fibre bars.)
i hissed like one does at a naughty cat, and when that was completely ineffective said "Shoo! Git!" and waved at the door.
the one closer to me took the last bite out of the wrapping, put the wrapper in the pile by the fridge and got down on all fours.
the farther raccoon grabbed a bag of pistachios he'd been eyeing and then took his leave. the closer one took a step back. i menaced him and made incoherent noises. he gradually backed out the door and made his way down the porch stairs.
i closed the back door and tried to sleep.

i thought about things.
i thought about writing. i thought about everything i hadn't written.
i missed telling you about the time littlestar and cheeseburger brown visited.
and the horrors of the G20.
and about my job.
i was reminded of the time the monkeys broke into the palapa house in mexico and wrecked everything.

the moral of this story is that you should just write anyway, and that it is way better to have sweet, tidy, urban, procyons in your kitchen than horrid, rude, messy, ruinous primates.

the raccoons left the banana peels in a pile with the wrappers. the monkeys didn't even eat the bananas, they just threw them at each other, stepped on them and left mucky sticky banana foot-prints all inside the fridge (which they opened and wrecked the contents of.)
all the granola bars the raccoons didn't eat were still neatly in the box.
i put one in my lunchbag, and set out into the air that hits you like velvet curtains, wondering what heat the sun would bring when it came up.

< I saw that one coming | ATTN Tejas infidels >
crashing the procyon party | 21 comments (21 topical, 0 hidden)
Love you by littlestar (4.00 / 3) #1 Thu Jul 15, 2010 at 08:23:34 PM EST
love your stories. Love the image of you naked in the doorway smiling and talking to two little raccoons. 

So far... by ana (4.00 / 2) #2 Thu Jul 15, 2010 at 08:27:40 PM EST
our neighborhood raccoons stay outdoors. I shudder to think about who'd win an encounter between a wild raccoon and one of our household critters.

"And this ... is a piece of Synergy." --Kellnerin

We had a raccoon, grooming himself, by toxicfur (4.00 / 1) #3 Thu Jul 15, 2010 at 08:29:43 PM EST
just across the street. We think he lives under the shed the neighbors have. I'm glad he didn't decide to come in our house -- I fear what he might have done to the cats and/or dogs who may have taken offense at his intrusion. I would've happily shared my snacks with him.

I'm so glad you wrote. I've missed you!
The amount of suck that you can put up with can be mind-boggling, but it only really hits you when it then ceases to suck. -- Kellnerin

dunno about urban raccoons by clover kicker (2.00 / 0) #4 Thu Jul 15, 2010 at 09:21:00 PM EST
But the kind you find in the woods are reputed to be amazingly fierce when cornered.

I loved this book as a lad, about a boy and his pet raccoon. One of the morals of the story is that raccoons are too intelligent to make good pets.

they can be very fierce. by misslake (4.00 / 1) #10 Fri Jul 16, 2010 at 08:20:31 AM EST
it's usually the mothers that one has to watch out for. they will attack if you get in thier way, or threaten thier children.

they fight epic raccoony battles amongst themselves, and will fight with cats and dogs.

these guys had an open door behind them.

[ Parent ]
I dunno by dev trash (2.00 / 0) #5 Thu Jul 15, 2010 at 09:34:31 PM EST
If I had found them in my kitchen eating my fiber bars.....ooooo there woulda been actions and words.

it was the sweet and salty bars by misslake (2.00 / 0) #9 Fri Jul 16, 2010 at 08:14:50 AM EST
that really made me angry.

i love my sweet and salty bars.

[ Parent ]
Of course they didn't leave by hulver (4.00 / 11) #6 Fri Jul 16, 2010 at 02:16:59 AM EST
They must have been admiring the view.
Cheese is not a hat. - clock
You are The Man. by ammoniacal (4.00 / 1) #8 Fri Jul 16, 2010 at 03:21:53 AM EST

"To this day that was the most bullshit caesar salad I have every experienced..." - triggerfinger

[ Parent ]
what he said! by clock (2.00 / 0) #11 Fri Jul 16, 2010 at 11:51:55 AM EST
'cause DUH!!!

I agree with clock entirely --Kellnerin

[ Parent ]
I love how raccoons are oblivious to people. by ammoniacal (4.00 / 1) #7 Fri Jul 16, 2010 at 03:14:30 AM EST
I live in a woodsy area of town, between a park and a cemetery. I was walking aboot the other day and I saw a guy standing next to his car aboot 50 feet away, checking his look on the window reflection. Right then, a full-grown raccoon crossed the street right behind the dude and kept raccoon-strutting past the dude and disappeared into the guy's front yard. I shook my head and the f guy looked up at me as I walked by. I asked him if he noticed the raccoon walking behind him, but he had not, of course. I wish the raccoon had tied his shoes together with his little opposable thumbs. I would have laughed.

Did you know that an up-turned pistachio shell works like an ice-skate blade and can cause serious injury? It's true, you know.

"To this day that was the most bullshit caesar salad I have every experienced..." - triggerfinger

I love racoons by R343L (2.00 / 0) #12 Fri Jul 16, 2010 at 01:49:14 PM EST
I wish I saw them more often. There was a family that was living around the house last winter ... would crawl along the fence right outside the bedroom window regularly and one time came right up to the front door while we were standing out there.

"There will be time, there will be time / To prepare a face to meet the faces that you meet." -- Eliot
leave your garbage unsecured by clover kicker (2.00 / 0) #13 Fri Jul 16, 2010 at 01:51:04 PM EST
and they'll find you.

[ Parent ]
sadly it is by R343L (2.00 / 0) #14 Fri Jul 16, 2010 at 06:18:54 PM EST
There just aren't that many around -- I am nearly living in downtown Seattle.

"There will be time, there will be time / To prepare a face to meet the faces that you meet." -- Eliot
[ Parent ]
aren't there more raccoons there? by misslake (2.00 / 0) #15 Sat Jul 17, 2010 at 09:43:36 AM EST
in toronto, the closer you get to the core the more raccoons you get.
have you tried leaving out granola bars?

you should set up a baited camera trap in your back yard!

[ Parent ]
Downtown has a serious lack of greenspace. by ammoniacal (2.00 / 0) #18 Sat Jul 17, 2010 at 02:40:42 PM EST
West Seattle, Rainier Valley and North Seattle have much more raccoon-friendly habitat.

"To this day that was the most bullshit caesar salad I have every experienced..." - triggerfinger

[ Parent ]
Racoons by ucblockhead (2.00 / 0) #16 Sat Jul 17, 2010 at 12:49:24 PM EST
You will change your mind when they start visiting your house.  They can be incredibly destructive.
[ucblockhead is] useless and subhuman
[ Parent ]
Raccoons by ucblockhead (2.00 / 0) #17 Sat Jul 17, 2010 at 12:49:55 PM EST
Suburban raccoons only move when you throw things at them, and then only slowly.
[ucblockhead is] useless and subhuman
these guys just needed a stern talking-to by misslake (4.00 / 1) #19 Sat Jul 17, 2010 at 08:41:36 PM EST
though last night they forced entry and jumped in through the torn screen in the screen door and took our avocados.

they had brought all their friends. there were the 2 in the kitchen and there were 5 others out on the porch.

when i scolded them and asked them to leave they jumped out the window like cats!

[ Parent ]
Well by ucblockhead (2.00 / 0) #20 Sat Jul 17, 2010 at 11:28:27 PM EST
I found that hitting them in the ass with a peach gets them moving.

(Don't feel too sorry for the little buggers...I am pretty sure one came back and ate the peach an hour later.)
[ucblockhead is] useless and subhuman

[ Parent ]
ha ha ha! by misslake (2.00 / 0) #21 Sun Jul 18, 2010 at 09:45:28 AM EST
in mexico, the stray/roaming dogs would bark, growl, and menace us as we walked down the road.

all you had to do to get them to leave you alone was to bend down and make like you were picking up a large stone.
then the dogs would scatter, stop barking and give you a wide berth.
they'd even remember you the next time you passed by.

i hope you enjoyed your peachy revenge as much as the raccoons did.

[ Parent ]
crashing the procyon party | 21 comments (21 topical, 0 hidden)