On my way back from the gym today, it popped up in my playlist, and I was surprised; some of the sorrow has faded, and I can now reflect on my friendship with erik with some joy: joy at the things we shared, at he time we spent together, the things i learned from him and he learned from me. I'm almost ready to shift from being sad for what I have lost to being happy fo what I had ... almost. it comes and goes.
Work is rough right now; project is supposed to ship in August, so things are starting to get tense - daily reports to high-level execs, temper tantrums from the customer, panic in middle management. Thankfully there's the world cup to distract us, and the freedom of not being in class.
J is stressed out: last weekend was the busiest part of the year for him, and he's had some downtime but is starting to freak out about his vacation. We spent he afternoon running errands relating to travel prep. I think he's being more worried abotu ti than necessary, but then I haven't gone to a third world ocutnry ountside of turkey, and i'mj generallyu more hippie go-with-the-flow than he is anyhow.
not having to go to shcool for the summer is nice; it's great to be able to do things with ja and friends during the week, and it's nice to have lots of hang out cuddle time with my husband. i'll probably be bitterly jealous of it when i lose it again at the end of august.
one more yea.r
one more year.
we eer both sick this week - me on monday with some beledover into sunday and tuesday (Ehxauster, wiped out, unable to summon the energy really to do anything, even doing the bare minimum a hurdle that required the strength of atlas to overcome); j on weds-tuhjrs (come home, crash). this meant hat i dnt' manage to get to the gym all week, until today (somehow i managed to keep the same weight in morning weigh-in the whole time), which meant tha t riding the stationary exercise bike during the entire 2.5 hrs of the US<->Ghana game was ... well, easier than expected; i was well rested. it's the longest io've wridden at one time, so by the end i was done, but since then i've been energetic and sem-wired (except for the low period right before and after dinner). it's somewhat amazing how much greater my stanmina is than before i lost th weight, and i've been keeping it even though my diet is awful and my exercise routine erratic.
i'm hoping to get lots of hiking in while j. is traveling.
the summer moves on; for me it's half over, roughly.
i need to start thinking about job applications.
it's scary: i think i know how to be a lawyer - i understand eh law to some degree, i understand how to learn what i don't know, i understand the mechanisms and psyuchology of trial as well as anyone who hasn't done it can - and yet i don't understand the culture of the job, and i don't know yet if i can be happy dipng it. and yet ... nwo is the time to start looking and to plan for the future, and i find: i don't really know what i want.
on some level iv'e never really known what i want; maybe this is why i'm usually content to take the world as it is rather htan trying to cshape it. i understand that it's common for people to feel like they can make their world what they want it to be - and i know that the way i am in the world, the way i interact with the people around me and the energy and spirit i brign control what my world is, what experience i have ... but i'm mostly content to let myself ride on the wave rather than direct it, but that doesn't mean that when i jump from one wave to another i'm not afraid.
i shouldn't be afraid; the power i have will carry over into any culture and any world, once i'm acculturated.
but i'm afraid.
i knw: fear is the mind killer.
i knw: i must mebrace myf ear and let it wash over me and through me ... and walking through fear to reach one's goal is always the right move, no matter how strong the fear. and this isn't a strong fear, it's a mild, niggling, low-level fear ... but that's more dangerous because it seeps into everythi without giving a natural focal point for resistane.
i will walk through.
but that doesn't mean i'm not going tobe stressed about it.
today's game was a good one. the first 10-20 minute ssucked because the US doesn't seem to be able to play during the first miniutes of a game, but then it tightened up and turned interesting. i'm kinda disappointed we couldn't pull it off, but i admit: the best team won, and i'll cheer for them until they go out; it would be nice to see ghana in the semfinals, and incredible to see them in the finals.
i suspect i've moved on to babbling.
that's probably a natural thing when drunk, o?
maybe, maybe not.
this adaptation of riverworld i'm half-watching is truly dreadful.
I leave ou wtih this: an interesting set of advertisements.
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