Print Story Cortez the Killer on the roof, with a chain saw
By johnny (Mon Mar 23, 2009 at 08:31:45 PM EST) cortez, rage, reverend gary davis (all tags)
Cortez the killer, the well known conquistadore, destroyer of worlds, neo-Friedmanian Chicago-school economist, loud-talker in public mens' rooms, philosopher, guardian of the peace, theologian of suspect credentials, barbeque connaisseur, board-certified steamboat mechanic, sympathetic ear, weaver, banjo enthusiast, aspiring fashion designer with a good chance of appearing soon on Project Runway, and longboard smallwave surfriding champion (seniors division), recently joined the local fire department & was assigned to the ladder truck, colloquially known as Tower One. Among the responsibilities of ladder companies is ensuring the ventilation of burning houses. This means climbing atop the roof of a house on fire with a running chainsaw and cutting a great big hole in it to let out the hot gasses (along with flame and smoke--unwanted but inevitable).

Cortez had a drill today to practice cutting holes in roofs. Nobody told him he was supposed to return the chain saw.

Some rich fucker (alledgedly names Wagner or Wagoner), a venture capitalist from California, had some big ole vacation house on a pristine spot overlooking the Vinyard Sound & adjacent to Mink Meadows golf course. This giant house, overlooking a pond & protected wetlands & tree stand along a beach and West Chop waters and Elizabeth Islands, was evidently not fucking big enough for the rich fucker so he's having it torn down in order to build a house 275 feet long, which is 83.82 meters, or metres, according to a metric systems that Cortez himself not only despises, but which causes him to fall into insentiate rage.

As a bread-crumb gesture of nobless oblige to the little people, the rich fucker (or one of his local minions, more likely) allowed Cortez's Tower One company to practice cutting ventilation holes in the roof of the various portions of the very-big-but-not-big-enough & usually empty house. And so Cortez (who is, as we all know, nearly or more than five hundred years old, (and truth be told, a little creaky) donned his heavy firefighter's gear including boots of gigantic proportion, quilted pants, turnout coat, gloves, helmet and air pack, --which together weighed nearly as much as the coat of armor that Cortez was already wearing--and climbed up onto the roof, chainsaw in hand. Along the way his boots turned into blocks of cement.

Although it was only 45 degrees fahrenheit outside, by the end of his turn on the roof cutting holes down through the roof & cathedral ceiling underneath it, Cortez was suddenly nearly overcome by a bit of heat exhaustion, and took off his coat once safely away from the ladders. Such is the exertion required to ventilate a building--which was not even on fire, as noted.

Later that same day, Cortez watched Rescuing Emmanuel, a poignant documentary about street children of the earth.

As sometimes happens, he became enraged at the obscenities of injustice and cruelty in the world. Usually in such situations he uses he razor-sharp cutlass to lop off heads left, right, and center.  But yesterday he still had the chain saw, which he had neglected to return to his truck--this is not a reliable man, I think that goes without saying.

Within a few hours he had reduced to splinters every millionaire's mansion on Martha's Vineyard. Nantucket cannot be far from his thoughts after that. Thence onward to Greenwich, Connecticut.  We can expect the mayhem to continue until the blade wears out. Some people have whispered to Cortez that destroying the mansions of the rich will not provide homes and schools for the despised, destitute children of the slums of the world, numbering in the tens of millions. Those whispering fools, alas, soon found their heads disconnected from their torsos. Cortez knows what he knows, and it's not wise to fuck with him.

Over the din of the chainsaw, if you listened carefully enough, you could hear him singing that old Reverend Gary Davis, tune, Samson And Delilah:

If I had my way
If I had my way
If I had my way
I would tear this old building down

Well Delilah, she was a woman fine and fair
She had good looks, God knows, and coal black hair
Delilah, she came to Samson's mind
The first he saw this woman that looked so fine
Delilah, she set down on Samson's knee
Said 'tell me where your strength lies, if you please'
She spoke so kind, God knows, she talked so fair
'til Samson said "Delilah, you can cut off my hair.
You can shave my head, clean as my hand
And my strength 'come as natural as any a man."

If I had my way
If I had my way
In this wicked world
If I had my way
I would tear this old building down

[Talk, Yeah
Yeah, Talk to me
Yeah, Yeah, talk to me
Yeah, what happened then?]

If I had my way
If I had my way
If I had my way
I would tear this old building down

Yeah you read about old Samson, told from his birth
He was the strongest man that ever had lived on Earth
So one day while Samson was a-walkin' along
He looked on the ground and he saw an old jawbone.
He stretched out his arm, God knows, swung that jawbone
'round his head
When he got to movin'
There was ten-thousand people dead.

If I had my way
If I had my way in this wicked world
If I had my way
I would tear this old building down

Well old Samson and the lion got attacked
Samson he jumped up on the lion's back
So you read about this lion had killed a man with his paws
But Samson got his hand in the lion's jaws
He rid that beast until he killed him dead
And the bees made honey in the lion's head

Good God!

If I had my way
If I had my way
If I had my way
I would tear this old building down

If I had my way
If I had my way in this wicked world
If I had my way
I would tear this old building down

< ba ba. ba ba. ba ba. <pause> ba ba. ba ba. ba ba. <longer pause> doot. | Papieren bitte! >
Cortez the Killer on the roof, with a chain saw | 9 comments (9 topical, 0 hidden)
Burn, Greenwich, Burn. by MohammedNiyalSayeed (4.00 / 3) #1 Mon Mar 23, 2009 at 10:03:44 PM EST

You can build the most elegant fountain in the world, but eventually a winged rat will be using it as a drinking bowl.
Niggled chocolate raceways by Gedvondur (4.00 / 1) #2 Mon Mar 23, 2009 at 11:01:32 PM EST
One corning I watched the shark do loop do loops on the water of desperate Coca Cola.  Upon return to the pit, trees and lakes watered the swords making before love.  There were two controllers and there was only one left.  Tied down dirty in borrowed sheets making sense of dude who ended with a resin mold.

I had something to do horoscoped a maid for my desk space.  Block some of this out and never came back and seahorses that blow fire. 

Slapped in the face with cute rocking Disney when she goes to bed with my friend.  I could have fixed my sister, but bogarting polygamy is only in summer.

Much of my night was wasted with harlem when people refer to english more than anything. 

You know it.


"I love my brain. It's the only organ I can afford to lose." --frijolito
longboard smallwave surfriding champion by wiredog (4.00 / 1) #3 Tue Mar 24, 2009 at 06:21:43 AM EST
At that age? Cortez is one bad dude. I'm happy to just catch a knee high wave on my longboard. If I can get up I'm ecstatic.


Earth First!
(We can strip mine the rest later.)

Where "smallwave" by johnny (2.00 / 0) #4 Tue Mar 24, 2009 at 08:31:54 AM EST
is defined as one to two centimeters.
Buy my books, dammit!
[ Parent ]
You're surfing *microwaves*? n/t by gpig (4.00 / 1) #6 Tue Mar 24, 2009 at 10:42:24 AM EST

(,   ,') -- eep
[ Parent ]
Not me, Cortez by johnny (2.00 / 0) #7 Tue Mar 24, 2009 at 01:07:58 PM EST
and it does require a certain amount of, shall we say, finesse. Especially when you consider the weight of the armor and waterlogged pantaloons.
Buy my books, dammit!
[ Parent ]
I wonder by Scrymarch (4.00 / 1) #5 Tue Mar 24, 2009 at 09:19:22 AM EST
How the fight between George Washington and Cortez the Killer went down. Way I hear it they didn't have nothin' but sticks that day, having left their chainsaws behind at the pony club. Emily Dickinson looked on from a nearby hill, for it was her honour they were duelling over, and though she found the violence vile, it seemed somewhat impolite to ignore it entirely. They stopped at midday for respite and some entirely non-British tea.

But I might have heard wrong.

The Political Science Department of the University of Woolloomooloo

Slight correction by johnny (4.00 / 1) #8 Tue Mar 24, 2009 at 01:09:13 PM EST
It was Aaron Burr, not Geo. Washington. And he got his head handed to him.

As for Cortez and Emily: no comment.
Buy my books, dammit!

[ Parent ]
It sadens me greatly .... by Tonatiuh (4.00 / 1) #9 Tue Apr 21, 2009 at 12:04:57 PM EST
.... that Cortez hasn't been touched by the beauty and simplicity of the metric system.

The day I was weighed in the UK and was told how many stones I weighed (was that big stones, or small stones? would the stones be heavy or light, like the volcanic ones in Lanzarote or the ones used to build the houses of the rich and famous in Mexico City?) I immediately realized I was an adherent to the only true measurement system.

When measuring ounces are those liquid ones or of the drier variety?

Will US gallons remain sturdily revolutionary and continue to be different from British ones?

Metric is a bliss of simplicity and an oasis of reason, perhaps Cortez thrives best in the cacophony of an irrational way to perceive the world? Thankfully the way to count chopped heads is universal. May it remain that way.

Cortez the Killer on the roof, with a chain saw | 9 comments (9 topical, 0 hidden)