Print Story When I'm lonely, well I know I'm gonna be
By Dr H0ffm4n (Fri Feb 20, 2009 at 01:49:51 AM EST) (all tags)
I'm gonna be the man who's lonely without you
When I'm dreaming yes I know I'm gonna dream
Dream about the time when I'm with you.

I dreamt about WPKAW last night. She was sitting on the edge of the bed. She turned her back on me, wouldn't talk to me and wouldn't explain what was wrong. I knew it was over. All my questions were just met with silence.

I cried yesterday while out on my afternoon walk. First time while sober for some time. Frustration mainly. Frustration on her behalf.

WPKAW's parents are making things difficult right now. Without meaning to. But the reasons that WPKAW wasn't talking to them for the last six months before she died are not resolved as I had hoped they would be. I realise that people's characters, having been set over 70 years, will not totally change. But I'd expect the circumstances of their daughter's death might at least make them stop and think. If she were alive today, she would probably have stopped talking to them all over again.

But they're bereaved. So I can't go charging across country and tearing into them and asking wtf they're playing at. I have to take a deep breath, have a whine online to vent my angst and patiently try and draw in the reins a little tighter on them without causing offence or upset.

If I don't then SoWPKAW will not get her accommodation sorted. Once again, in death as in life, what WPKAW would have most wanted will have come second and selfishness will have prevailed.

WPKAW's death will have been for nought. Ultimately, she is neglected again. So I cry.


Meanwhile the company managing WPKAW's parent's debts are not returning my calls for over a week, even though I have £6500 sitting here waiting for them. I can only presume they're not willing to talk to me about it rather than WPKAW's parents. They're due home today so hopefully they can talk to the debt company and get them to talk to me.


Is it any wonder I'm straining for a little joy in my life? Some escapism. Just something for a change. But I made myself a promise that I would never, ever uses WPKAW's name or death to excuse myself from behaving honourably. I won't trample on others to relieve my stress. My sense of right and wrong is off the scale and it's pretty paralysing.

Stay posted for updates on the whole AXA/ESoDX turmoil. Either would be cool, to date for a while. I can see ESoDX being cool for more than a while actually. Except for that whole leaving her in her PJs thing and her now being a little distant. So I'm out with AXA tomorrow night instead. Which is cool too. She's fun. There will be drink and opera and drink and self control ebbing.

It will all end in tears no doubt. Mine, most likely.

All I can do is try and be honest without being brutal.

I'll end up going home. Home, where WPKAW is still. Home, where I'll sit on the edge of the bed talking to WPKAW. Except she doesn't talk to me. All my questions are just met with silence.


And when I come home, (when I come home, )
Yeah I know I'm gonna be I'm gonna be the man who comes back home with you
I'm gonna be the man who's coming home with you

But I would walk 500 miles
And I would walk 500 more
Just to be the man who walked a thousand miles
To fall down at your door

< Zen and the art of the Dipshit | Boston lunch tomorrow, Saturday 21 February >
When I'm lonely, well I know I'm gonna be | 9 comments (9 topical, 0 hidden)
One of those days... by Metatone (4.00 / 2) #1 Fri Feb 20, 2009 at 02:47:24 AM EST
all round it seems.

Let's hope things get better.

I'm so sorry for you... by littlestar (4.00 / 4) #2 Fri Feb 20, 2009 at 03:01:48 AM EST
I guess this is one of this situations where they say it gets harder before it get easier. It sounds like you are dealing with it in the most grown up way possible, so good for you, if no one else is there to say it, I'll do it for those who would. Keep on keeping on, as that is all you can do; and it doesn't sound easy - losing someone we care about never is.

I'm glad that you are going out and trying to find smiles, you need to do that. Smiles are important, even if the crying still comes at the end.

I send you hugs. And huge deep breathes to your soul.


<sigh> by Phage (4.00 / 1) #3 Fri Feb 20, 2009 at 03:04:20 AM EST
Whatever I can do...

thanks by Dr H0ffm4n (2.00 / 0) #4 Fri Feb 20, 2009 at 03:31:30 AM EST
It's a challenge to be sure. I'm not as bad as it might sound but I was livid at them yesterday. So I just needed to express it, but not to them. So here.

But thanks.

[ Parent ]
No worries. by Phage (2.00 / 0) #5 Fri Feb 20, 2009 at 04:11:42 AM EST
I understand perfectly. There's nowt so queer as folk.

[ Parent ]
Don't end up going home next time by Plonker Prevention Hotline (4.00 / 5) #6 Fri Feb 20, 2009 at 06:33:55 AM EST
Just shag someone already. Both women you saw already know what you have gone through in the past year. They both probably would love to help you in any way they could. Let them know that you are not in any position to be thinking long term, and if they are still interested, enjoy the night / week / month.

Stop worrying so much about hurting these women who both sound like consenting adults, and who have both probably had relationships end before. You are not at risk of being a plonker.

Sorry if this sounds insensitive, but I'm not sure that coming home every night and reading books to an urn with ashes in it is helping you anymore. I haven't ever experienced what you have / are right now, but it is sounding really opressive. Find someplace she liked (other than your house), and when you want to talk to her, go there. You both need your space.

I am anonimouse by anonimouse (2.00 / 0) #8 Sat Feb 21, 2009 at 12:39:57 AM EST
..and I approve this message

Girls come and go but a mortgage is for 25 years -- JtL
[ Parent ]
Please just write, we'll be here for you /nt by yankeehack (2.00 / 0) #7 Fri Feb 20, 2009 at 02:26:38 PM EST

"...she dares to indulge in the secret sport. You can't be a MILF with the F, at least in part because the M is predicated upon it."-CBB
Thank you miss hack by Dr H0ffm4n (2.00 / 0) #9 Sun Feb 22, 2009 at 01:31:56 PM EST

[ Parent ]
When I'm lonely, well I know I'm gonna be | 9 comments (9 topical, 0 hidden)