Print Story A Discussion
By atreides (Wed Aug 13, 2008 at 08:37:59 PM EST) (all tags)
A couple of days ago, I called my mother (the most difficult woman in Christendom, not the mother of my heart) and told her that I wanted to have a talk with her.  Apparently, she got really upset.  She was afraid that I was going to give her some terrible news or something truly earthshaking.  Of course, from her perspective, it may have been...

Tonight I went over to my mother's place.  I had hoped that I could convince her to go out with me to get something to eat.  That way we could be on neutral ground.  I didn't really want to talk about this in her house, but she had already eaten and didn't feel like leaving.  So she and I sat down.

Before I got to the point, I told her that Welsh Girl's parents were coming into town in a few weeks and wanted to know if we could all get together and have dinner.  She thought it was a nice idea.  Then I got to the point. 

I told her that even though she and I have never had the best relationship, I didn't mean to keep her away from my child.  If they have a great relationship, that's great.  And I want her to have as much or as little time with the child as she would like.  But as far as I am concerned, the child will have two grandmothers in Austin, her and the other mother.  I didn't think that she would like what I was saying, but I needed her to understand and live with it because I don't want any weirdness about it around the child.  Sure, one day I would probably have to explain it but I wouldn't have any bad feelings about it around the little one.

My mother (to her credit) sat quietly and listened to what I had to say.  Her response was better than I had expected.  She quietly looked at me and said that I had told her the worst thing she had ever been told in her life.  She said that I was wrong (in the "you are totally wrong" sense) and that blood is thicker than water.  Most of all, she didn't understand how someone else should deserve the same standing as her.  What if she told me that someone else was going to be treated just like her son and held in higher regard than me, she asked.  Lastly, she said (and this bit kinda shocked me) that it's my child and if that's what I want she'll abide by it, it's my business because it's my child.

I listened quietly and made no reply.  She acquiesced to my request and I decided to leave it at that.  I could give her a litany of reasons why I feel the way I do.  We all make decisions and she will have to live with some of the ones she has made just as much as I will have to.  But that's not what matters.  What matters is that, Jeebus willin' and the crick don' rise, when my little Despotes or Despoina comes into this world, at least some of the crap that exists between my family and I will be, if not resolved and buried, at least out and in the open and not interfering with my child's happiness.  That's the hope anyway. 

I expect that I'll get some bitching and griping and a little passive aggressive crap for a few months.  I may even get a call from my aunt in Colorado about this decision but I doubt that because mom knows I like my aunt better than her and she wouldn't want to give that.  We'll see.  In the end, I'm more sure that's she'll be happier to be a grandmother than being pissed at me.  Or not...

And that's all I have to say about that.

< We are Family! | Lessons learned >
A Discussion | 8 comments (8 topical, 0 hidden)
Good for you... by toxicfur (4.00 / 1) #1 Thu Aug 14, 2008 at 02:27:22 AM EST
for making that clear before the wee one is born. I hope it works out for the best, for all of you.
To Rollins lesbians are like cuddly pandas: cute, exotic, forest-dwelling, dangerous when riled and unable to produce offspring without assistance.-CRwM
Good man. by Breaker (4.00 / 1) #2 Thu Aug 14, 2008 at 02:58:58 AM EST
Top work in heading off the problem before it arises; doesn't sound like it was an easy conversation but I reckon it'll pay dividends in the years to come.

Family weirdness. by nightflameblue (2.00 / 0) #3 Thu Aug 14, 2008 at 03:03:25 AM EST
First, I'm glad to see you act as the responsible party and deal with this the best you can up front. So many people just think it'll be fine and then panic when it all starts to fall apart afterwards.

Second, the kid will deal with family weirdness. We all do. That's the joy of being human. However, the fact that you already love the kid enough to stand up for him/her this early means more than any of that other crap that's going to go down surrounding you. You've already built a stronger family foundation for your baby than some people ever do.

Essentially, you're awesome. Keep being awesome, and that awesomeness shall flow to the next generation.

Babies have a way of bringing families together by debacle (4.00 / 1) #4 Thu Aug 14, 2008 at 03:31:33 AM EST
Not sure how or why, but maybe your little tyrant will be the glue that sticks everything together. I know mine was.


good work. by clock (4.00 / 1) #5 Thu Aug 14, 2008 at 03:46:23 AM EST
ground rules.  we need 'em.  especially with kids.  i have some similar wackiness due to my parents divorce and a stepmother, but we've shaken all of that out, methinks.

one thing (of many) that i have learned is that your mother is right: this is your child and everyone has to play by your rules.  most will simply respect that.  others, you beat with a stick.  and as a last resort, have a rottie with a vested interest in your happiness and well being at hand.

let us know when/where you've registered.  i'm sure that stacky will put together her "kit" that she now sends to all of her post-partum friends.  it'll save your life.

I agree with clock entirely --Kellnerin

^^^This by nightflameblue (4.00 / 1) #6 Thu Aug 14, 2008 at 04:58:15 AM EST
and as a last resort, have a rottie with a vested interest in your happiness and well being at hand.

Most large dogs will do if you can bond with them. One of the neighbor dogs made the mistake of approaching our niece one day when our dogs were around. The results were not all that pleasant for the neighbor dog.

[ Parent ]
When someone offers to help you... by atreides (4.00 / 2) #7 Thu Aug 14, 2008 at 05:23:18 AM EST
...especially when it comes to baby stuff, you say "YES"! 

When this is accomplished, I will announce to everyone, but I will make a specific point to hit up you newly baby-ed folks. :P

The difficult part about all this is that my mother is really the only person who needs them. :( Well, alright, we want to avoid baby talk to the spud, but they're all grandparents so there's only so much you can expect from them. :)

He sails from world to world in a flying tomb, serving gods who eat hope.

[ Parent ]
family things by LilFlightTest (2.00 / 0) #8 Thu Aug 14, 2008 at 09:31:44 AM EST
even if things aren't perfect, the kid will deal, especially with supportive parents. i have an aunt whose problems with HER family cause her to try to separate her husband from his family. as a little kid i didn't understand why they never came to our parties- now i get it...but kids deal.
if de-virgination results in me being able to birth hammerhead sharks, SIGN ME UP!!! --misslake
A Discussion | 8 comments (8 topical, 0 hidden)