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By ReallyEvilCanine (Mon Jul 07, 2008 at 04:08:38 AM EST) A Day in the Life, SQL, DBA, training, Oracle, shit coffay, WTF, pie (all tags)
Training III: An Open Letter to Oracle

Dear Oracle,

Classroom training's cool. The free lunch isn't too bad either (for fans of MSG anyway). A week away from my normal hell is also pretty fucking sweet. So please don't take this the wrong way...

Squishy German candy poll!
x-posted to da brog.

When I (or more precicely, the $MegaCorp division I work in) is shelling out for my DBA training which is supposed to include all that horrible PL/SQL shit and RAC and SQL tuning, and I've worked with databases for the past eight fucking years (yours, DB2 and FoxBasePro SQL Server {$year}), I should get a pass on the intro shit. I should not have to sit through hours of fucking explanations to n00bz about tables, foreign keys and the fucking SELECT statement. I may not be a Mastah DBA but I know how to grab the shit I want out of your tables. I can even do it in your shitty, still-not-Unicode-compliant command line SQL*Plus program which will never, EVAR be as good as Toad. EVAR.

That Enterprise Manager copy of Microsoft's point-and-shoot GUI ain't the best in the world either. Would you guys even consider writing something in a language more efficient than Java? PASCAL perhaps? SNOBOL? Fuck, even a DSKY machine might be faster.

No, your browser-based "iSQL" client just doesn't impress me. It's just another "Do X... on the Web". Meh. Accidentally backspace and all your work and history are gone. Would it be that difficult to have the browser write the history commands to a local text file? Yes, I know it's possible to write my SQL in a local editor and then paste it into the browser but then what's the fucking point of having the browser-based client to begin with?

Also -- and this is pretty important  -- please refrain from putting really attractive wimmens in my classroom as they tend to distract. I'm not against wimmens in the field; IT tends to attract the lunatics of both sexes so things are never boring. I just think that segregated classrooms might be something you guys could maybe try out. I'm pretty sure that's a wedding ring on her finger and although 30-45% of German women admit to affairs depending on which survey you read, I'm in a classroom and I'm supposed to be able to focus my attention on what the instructor is saying.

That's all I can think of for now. Thanks for the cookies and air conditioning but that horrible excuse for coffay you've got would embarrass Americans and even Turkish resorts. Powdered premix? Have you no shame??


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A Day in the Life | 7 comments (7 topical, 0 hidden)
obplspstpixkthx and missing poll option: by greyrat (4.00 / 1) #1 Mon Jul 07, 2008 at 04:24:23 AM EST
  • Oh, and sorry 'bout the coffee. I'd agree that's reason enough to walk out.

    more efficient than Java? by wiredog (2.00 / 0) #2 Mon Jul 07, 2008 at 04:45:06 AM EST
    The problem is that Java is really the only fully cross-platform language out there.

    Earth First!
    (We can strip mine the rest later.)

    actually by bobdole (2.00 / 0) #7 Tue Jul 08, 2008 at 04:51:21 AM EST
    I believe the root of the problem is SQL*Plus, which would suck no matter what language it was implemented in.

    Java or not doesn't really make a difference.
    -- The revolution will not be televised.

    [ Parent ]
    ahem by joh3n (4.00 / 3) #3 Mon Jul 07, 2008 at 06:00:01 AM EST
    if it's the basics part of the classes, you can ignore the presentations and focus entirely on die Frauen!

    I just ate about 7 pounds of meat

    I've always wondered by yankeehack (2.00 / 0) #4 Mon Jul 07, 2008 at 01:47:57 PM EST
    how they get that cola taste into those gummy cola bottles.

    "...she dares to indulge in the secret sport. You can't be a MILF with the F, at least in part because the M is predicated upon it."-CBB

    German engineering & technology by ReallyEvilCanine (2.00 / 0) #5 Mon Jul 07, 2008 at 04:33:36 PM EST
    And quite possibly Jewish patents.

    the internet: amplifier of stupidity -- discordia

    [ Parent ]
    -1, gay.. Asking for sex segregation by Nigga (1.00 / 1) #6 Mon Jul 07, 2008 at 05:20:25 PM EST
    is gay as fuck, and makes u a fag, even if your reasoning is that your boner interferes with your concentration.

    A Day in the Life | 7 comments (7 topical, 0 hidden)