Print Story Trip to Liverpool FAIL
By BadDoggie (Sun Oct 26, 2008 at 10:35:51 PM EST) Liverpool, family (all tags)
And by "FAIL" I mean all of RIG's predictions.

Mum: Likes me.
Bro: Likes me.
Dad: Talked to me continually.
Gran: Likes me.
Friends: Failed to try to humiliate me.

Bullet-point diary. I've been holding back on being as smug as I should be since she clearly displays her lack of amusement with such an attitude and 9 of 10 fingernails are undamaged and sharp.

  • Arrival in Manchester: Our luggage came last, natch.
  • Walked through customs to her mum & dad holding a "Dr Sugar Spun" sign. She was thrilled.
  • Her mum & dad tell me to call them by first name.
  • Drove to Liverpool, I spoke little
  • Met her brother and talked with him.
  • Managed to eat mum's cooking and now understand first-hand what Ramsay has been bitching about (e.g., broccoli cooked to within 30 seconds of falling apart into soup)
  • Showed her dad how to tame a Weißbier when pouring it
  • Shopping: epic collection of Pot Noodle and other necessities
  • Exceedingly epic win at gran's. I need a haircut.
  • Failure of bedroom converted to a win
  • Trip into city for RIG's shopping survived, waited in pub, had a pint and watched half an hour of Papua New Guinea beating England in Teh Rugby.
  • RIG and mum leave me alone with dad and bro to go back to gran knowing I'm a dead man and giddy at the thought. Her dad invites me out for a pint.
  • We have two pints in the far-away-but-nice pub. Her "non-talkative" father talks with me the whole time.
  • Out with her just-as-unpunctual-as-her friends who are friendly.
  • RIG's friends fail to grill me into oblivion, waiting instead for me to go out for a smoke to grill her about me.
  • We fuck off to a pub where they again grill her outside of my presence.
  • Too much luggage: mum can't fit in the car and so does the tearful goodbye from the driveway. Refers again to my return despite RIG's previous admonishment that she hasn't yet invited me back.
  • Back to the airport after a quick stop at Morrison's for cheese and Quorn veggie stuff.
  • In MAN security I pass right through, RIG gets the full pat-down.
  • Despite a weekend of epic wins, I manage not to be too smug for the entire trip home. Nevertheless enough smugnitude got through that RIG announced that there will be a Reckoning.

Traveler's Tips:

SwissAir is pretty good although you usually have to connect through some airport or another in the home country. Zurich (ZRH) is pretty good, a typical modern airport mall; Basel (BSL) is a fucking wasteland with no smoker's area and nothing resembling food. Avoid the latter.

SwissAir also offers beer and wine and sandwiches on flights between Switzerlandia and the UK, all for no additional charge.

Absolut has a new flavour available in Switzerlandia (we won't see it here in Deutchlandia for a few more years): Mango. I snagged two bottles at duty-free. Back in Munich I was severely warned not to take a taste in the S-Bahn but to wait until we got home. RIG can be awfully convincing.

The shit smells and tastes more like durian, and rotten durian at that. After the most excellent peach, pears and grapefruit varieties, Absolut really screwed up.

RIG continues to sulk, her friends having all gone for her throat rather than mine. I'm just waiting to find out what they actually said about me so tell me already, dammit, because I know you're reading this, sugar_spun!

< DARPA, you do turn a girl's head! | Ugh >
Trip to Liverpool FAIL | 25 comments (25 topical, 0 hidden)
I'm not telling. by sugar spun (4.00 / 1) #1 Sun Oct 26, 2008 at 10:50:16 PM EST
So there.

I can't believe that when my grandmother said, effectively, "I'll show you mine since you showed me yours," it didn't deserve its own bullet point. I almost ruptured my spleen trying to hold in the laughter.

Also, she says you need a wash.

I did warn you about the cooking. Now do you believe me? We'll manage never to be there at mealtimes should I invite you back. You should also know that I cook better than that. It sometimes goes a bit wrong but I don't wage war on my ingredients.

'You showed me yours, I'll show you mine' by BadDoggie (2.00 / 0) #2 Sun Oct 26, 2008 at 10:59:18 PM EST
It was passports! She didn't believe my name, I showed her ID. She then pulled out her EU passport and gloated that since she's over 90 she didn't have to pay for the thing.


OMG WE'RE FUCKED! -- duxup ?

[ Parent ]
Gloating by sugar spun (2.00 / 0) #4 Mon Oct 27, 2008 at 12:13:29 AM EST
was only a means of letting you know her age. Just be glad she didn't make you guess it. There's no right answer to that game.

She does that fairly often; she's inordinately proud of having outlived all her original friends and having had to make a whole new set. Who are, much to her barely-concealed delight, themselves dying off from age-related conditions.

I suppose that once you get that old not dying becomes an achievement in itself.

[ Parent ]
not dying is an achievement at any age by Dr H0ffm4n (2.00 / 0) #5 Mon Oct 27, 2008 at 01:52:41 AM EST

[ Parent ]
It gets harder to achieve by sugar spun (2.00 / 0) #8 Mon Oct 27, 2008 at 04:28:33 AM EST
the older one gets.

She's about to turn 93, and all her friends have failed to do so. I'm hoping that when the local news station interviews her for tips on reaching 100, she tells them that a lifetime of cigarettes, brandy and extramarital sex helped her get where she is today.

I'll buy her whatever she wants if she has a prominently displayed dildo in shot.

[ Parent ]
So by Merekat (2.00 / 0) #12 Mon Oct 27, 2008 at 04:30:56 AM EST
Does she complain about old people a lot? My formidable great-aunt who wears heels higher than I would does this.

[ Parent ]
She does. by sugar spun (2.00 / 0) #13 Mon Oct 27, 2008 at 04:35:27 AM EST
She hates it when people betray their age by being absent minded or otherwise annoying or weak in any way. Her sheltered-housing nemesis has fast-progressing dementia, and my grandmother is simply furious at being without a decent equal with whom to do battle.

[ Parent ]
Heh by ucblockhead (2.00 / 0) #19 Mon Oct 27, 2008 at 06:42:54 AM EST
Sounds like my Stepfather's 100+ mother, who complains that no one ever wants to go party.
[ucblockhead is] useless and subhuman
[ Parent ]
Basel airport by Merekat (4.00 / 1) #3 Sun Oct 26, 2008 at 11:10:31 PM EST
See, the first problem with Basel airport is, it is not actually in Switzerland. Thus making it perfect for Ryanair.

I hate to ell you this but... by atreides (2.00 / 0) #6 Mon Oct 27, 2008 at 03:48:39 AM EST
...Absolut = vodka Fail to begin with. I can only imagine that mango vodka would be Fail to the Nth power...

He sails from world to world in a flying tomb, serving gods who eat hope.

Apeach, Pears, Ruby Red: TEH WINNARS by BadDoggie (2.00 / 0) #7 Mon Oct 27, 2008 at 04:16:47 AM EST
In my spare time I drink rare single malts: 43-y-o 1954 Strathisla and Gordon McPhail's Scottish Castles 15-y-o Caol Ila FTW. There are appropriate times for each.


OMG WE'RE FUCKED! -- duxup ?

[ Parent ]
Absolut Mango by sugar spun (2.00 / 0) #10 Mon Oct 27, 2008 at 04:30:03 AM EST
Infinite Fail.

The pepper one's pretty good. At least I think it's Absolut. I use it for Bloody Marys, which are a breakfast salad and therefore healthy.

[ Parent ]
Absolut Pepar by BadDoggie (4.00 / 1) #14 Mon Oct 27, 2008 at 05:25:32 AM EST
is chili peppers, not black pepper. Anyone ever see any black pepper vodka? If not I'm going to try making some.


OMG WE'RE FUCKED! -- duxup ?

[ Parent ]
Oh, black pepper vodka... by atreides (2.00 / 0) #15 Mon Oct 27, 2008 at 05:34:31 AM EST only teh win in bloody maries (as she mentioned) but, as far as vodka is concerned, if it isn't Flagman, Russian Standard/Imperia or Razmer, it is probably teh failxxors and only good for white russians because they are always OVERWHELMING VICTORY!!!!!

Or some kind of crap like that...

He sails from world to world in a flying tomb, serving gods who eat hope.

[ Parent ]
Bloody MARYS by BadDoggie (2.00 / 0) #16 Mon Oct 27, 2008 at 05:46:54 AM EST
This isn't Icelandic, we don't change proper names at the behest of regular grammar </pedant>. My good vodkas come from the former USSR countries, delivered by a couple friends and one cow-orker. The current trend is to give them English names. The cool thing is the twisty top: it doesn't come off but rather extends a sort of pouring spout. Way convenient.


OMG WE'RE FUCKED! -- duxup ?

[ Parent ]
This is the INTAR WEB!!! by atreides (2.00 / 0) #17 Mon Oct 27, 2008 at 06:18:43 AM EST
§§§ by BadDoggie (2.00 / 0) #18 Mon Oct 27, 2008 at 06:26:43 AM EST


OMG WE'RE FUCKED! -- duxup ?

[ Parent ]
I hate you. by atreides (2.00 / 0) #20 Mon Oct 27, 2008 at 07:06:51 AM EST
traditional russian vodka infusions ftw by gzt (2.00 / 0) #21 Mon Oct 27, 2008 at 08:52:17 AM EST
roll your own if you have to, it's pretty easy. they have recipes for doing so in my favorite russian cookbook, "please to the table", but it's not like it's rocket surgery or anything.

[ Parent ]
rotten durian by sasquatchan (2.00 / 0) #9 Mon Oct 27, 2008 at 04:29:32 AM EST
Isn't that by definition, durian in the first place ?

Exactly my point by BadDoggie (4.00 / 1) #11 Mon Oct 27, 2008 at 04:30:31 AM EST
Not Tasty


OMG WE'RE FUCKED! -- duxup ?

[ Parent ]
Nope according to Thais, Malaysians. by Tonatiuh (4.00 / 1) #22 Mon Oct 27, 2008 at 11:37:53 AM EST
They always come with this nonsense that tigers like the sweet flavour of durian, I always remind them that tigers are carnivores and thus they will be attracted to anything that stinks like rotting flesh ....

[ Parent ]
Do you think by sugar spun (2.00 / 0) #23 Tue Oct 28, 2008 at 01:39:31 AM EST
tigers are disappointed when they bite into durian and it turns out not to be meat-based?

[ Parent ]
I can't say. by Tonatiuh (2.00 / 0) #24 Tue Oct 28, 2008 at 02:30:25 AM EST
Never tried the fruit myself and haven't had a chance to ask a tiger his learned opinion.

[ Parent ]
Well, I'm sure she met the Terr profile. by ammoniacal (2.00 / 0) #25 Wed Oct 29, 2008 at 01:34:47 AM EST
e.g. Nice Baps.

"To this day that was the most bullshit caesar salad I have every experienced..." - triggerfinger

Trip to Liverpool FAIL | 25 comments (25 topical, 0 hidden)