Print Story on busting my butt and the daddy thing...
By clock (Tue Mar 06, 2007 at 07:02:19 AM EST) ranting, whining (all tags)
the weekend was busy.  pregnancy rant within.

friday night we fired up "transformers: the movie" and i tried not to cry when prime died.  it was hard, but stacky helped me through it.  i think i did the grocery shopping too, but i don't remember.  it was so long ago.

saturday was all manual labor.  i tore out the sod in the front yard while stacky fixed something that crapped out at work.  it left my back aching and me a little out of sorts.  then she went a little nuts cutting up some trees in the back yard while i wasn't looking and we wound up with the mother of all brush piles and no place to dump it.  so we loaded it in the truck and let it sit in the driveway over night.

sunday we decided to go dump the refuse in a neighborhood "dumping area."  sadly, there was a dude getting a blowjob in his suv back there, so we were polite and backed away slowly.  after all, it was sunday morning so i would hate to disturb someone's worship.  we found a suitable dump site and returned the sod cutter.  while at lowe's we bought a 5 cu. foot freezer to house our 1/4 cow that we'll be getting soonish and stacky picked out a new kitchen faucet.  upon arriving home she announced that she was going to install said faucet.  so i put my broke-back ass under the sink and got it installed.  it's nice.  much higher than the last one.  tack on to that a failed attempt at shopping for a swimsuit for my ever growing beloved and you have a relaxing weekend indeed!

or not.

anyway, sunday night i did up my mfc entry and then collapsed.  it was a long couple of days.

manual labor gives me too much time to think.  i thought about the impending arrival of our child.  my mind ran over some off-handed comments and compliments i've gotten of late.  all of them could be summarized by saying: "wow, clock isn't a lazy, worthless asshole (" the last one..." always appended in parentheses)!"  i take the sentiment as being well-meant, but...

then there's the whole "older fathers are just so much more involved in their children!"  what the fuck does that mean?  first off, i'm not "old."  charlie chaplin had a kid in his seventies.  i'm only 34.  and why are "younger" fathers given a pass?  what excuse is there for not being involved?  short of having jobs as a coal miner, railroad brakeman and farmer that involved working 18 hours a day, seven days a week like my grandfather did, there's no excuse.  so fuck off with that.  (aside to stacky: i'm not aiming this at anyone...and i'm not upset by it directly...i'm just annoyed in general.)

can you tell i've been reading the pregnancy books again?  i kinda stalled out with them because they are so fucking insulting to men who are excited about having a child.  i'm a first time dad to be.  i already feel like i'm running behind because i'm about 8 years off where i wanted to be.  so let's not emphasize that, kay?  and i actually want to be involved but everything out there seems to be written for people who want to give a book to a man who is being drug kicking and screaming into fatherhood.  fuck that noise.  the little asides that read like "oh look!  daddy can be involved too!" are just as insulting.  so reading these books before bed (my traditional reading time) doesn't make for restful sleep.  i'll keep at it.  i remember talking with my mom about how women are taught to read as men.  maybe this is an education for me?  i'll spin this into something positive yet!

i've also decided (as someone who isn't living it directly) that pregnancy sucks.  it looks like a miserable experience that i wouldn't wish on anyone.  i'm pretty ready to be done with the pregnant part and get on with the sleepless nights, feedings, puking, diapers, etc.  at least there'll be stuffed animals and rubber duckies around.

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on busting my butt and the daddy thing... | 31 comments (31 topical, 0 hidden)
my mom can be such a dumbass by StackyMcRacky (2.00 / 0) #1 Tue Mar 06, 2007 at 07:13:59 AM EST
she means well, though.  she just doesn't grok me (or you!) in the slightest.

and no, you don't sound "poopy-pants"

she's not a dumbass... by clock (2.00 / 0) #2 Tue Mar 06, 2007 at 07:15:39 AM EST
...she just makes me think, that's all.  and we all know how painful that can be...

I agree with clock entirely --Kellnerin

[ Parent ]
no by StackyMcRacky (4.00 / 1) #6 Tue Mar 06, 2007 at 07:24:29 AM EST
she can be a total dumbass.

[ Parent ]
1 duck sitting on a wall by TPD (4.00 / 2) #3 Tue Mar 06, 2007 at 07:16:11 AM EST
2 ducks sitting on a wall
3 ducks sitting on a wall

Are they going to......


why sit, when you can sit and swivel with The Ab-SwivellerTM

only 34 by wiredog (4.00 / 2) #4 Tue Mar 06, 2007 at 07:20:31 AM EST
So you're still just a kid then. Compared to some of us anyway.

Earth First!
(We can strip mine the rest later.)

One fish, two fish. Red fish, blue fish. by greyrat (4.00 / 2) #5 Tue Mar 06, 2007 at 07:21:45 AM EST
Dude, chill. Your life wili never be 'the same' (whatever TF that means) again. Here. Have a beer on me.

it's already different! by clock (2.00 / 0) #7 Tue Mar 06, 2007 at 07:24:31 AM EST
and in a sub-optimal way.  i'm itching to read pickles the firecat.

I agree with clock entirely --Kellnerin

[ Parent ]
To be Frank by Phage (4.00 / 2) #8 Tue Mar 06, 2007 at 07:25:15 AM EST
Or Howard...
Steer away from those books. They are exactly how you've described them and just serve to make men angry. The whole assumption that men are committment phobic, and therefore hate the idea of kids just makes me want to take some power tools to the author in a quiet cellar somewhere.

If you need advice on bubs, ask your parents. Whichever one you feel most easy with. In my case that was the parents of an (unrelated) friend.

Yeah by ucblockhead (4.00 / 1) #9 Tue Mar 06, 2007 at 08:03:43 AM EST
I hated those books. I hated most baby books too. Full of patronizing crap, mostly aimed at the daddy. Can we please have the book for the guy who does intend to change diapers?
[ucblockhead is] useless and subhuman
[ Parent ]
why would you even want a book? by dr k (4.00 / 1) #18 Tue Mar 06, 2007 at 09:26:37 AM EST
Baby manuals are about reassurance and distilled experience. If you don't want those things, then there won't be anything left to fill the pages. Maybe you want The Cynical Guide to Parenting?

"Doctor visits: Don't expect your doctor to care about how clever or advanced you child is. They are more concerned about developmental problems and sick children, and the less time they have to spend with you and your healthy child the better."

:| :| :| :| :|

[ Parent ]
I didn't by ucblockhead (2.00 / 0) #19 Tue Mar 06, 2007 at 09:39:24 AM EST
I didn't really want them in the first place. They kept getting given to us.
[ucblockhead is] useless and subhuman
[ Parent ]
Younger fathers by jimgon (4.00 / 2) #10 Tue Mar 06, 2007 at 08:31:00 AM EST
I was 25 when we had our first.  30 for the second.  They'll be safely out of the house early enough for me to properly get ready for retirement. Smoking, drinking, and picking fights with cops all in hopes of an early death.  34?  Not that old, but I never wanted to be in my fifties with a kid in college. 

And I also have "Transformers: The Movie".  I haven't watched it since I need private time for such a solemn thing as the death of Prime.  Also, my curses toward Hot Rod should not be heard by the faint of heart.

Technician - "We can't even get decent physical health care. Mental health is like witchcraft here."

I hope to get my kids through school before I'm 60 by georgeha (2.00 / 0) #11 Tue Mar 06, 2007 at 08:36:23 AM EST
though 59 is a real possibility.

[ Parent ]
It's really the paying for it by jimgon (2.00 / 0) #13 Tue Mar 06, 2007 at 08:43:37 AM EST
The paying for it is the issue.  From fifty to sixty-five are the years that you need to concentrate on retirement savings most.  Most people will save through out their lives, but they also tend to forget about those pesky educational costs of the kids later in life.  

Technician - "We can't even get decent physical health care. Mental health is like witchcraft here."
[ Parent ]
We're saving a small amount in a 529k by georgeha (2.00 / 0) #14 Tue Mar 06, 2007 at 08:52:05 AM EST
I'm hoping that Mrs. Ha will be able to pull a larger load with her new job, so we can get rid of our insane CC debt in time to save more for college, and then have a few years to pad the 401k before retiring, assuming my corp remains solvent.

[ Parent ]
we just might get lucky by StackyMcRacky (4.00 / 1) #16 Tue Mar 06, 2007 at 09:11:10 AM EST
if somebody's idiot ex keeps on like she's keepin' on, we'll have a big fat college fund for kids in 3 years.

[ Parent ]
why is that? by alprazolam (2.00 / 0) #27 Wed Mar 07, 2007 at 08:46:45 AM EST
seems like the years you need to concentrate on savings for retirement are the ones when you first get a job. after that you just stick to the plan..

[ Parent ]
Early years by jimgon (2.00 / 0) #29 Wed Mar 07, 2007 at 09:54:27 AM EST
You mean the years when you get your first car, first credit cards, first children, and first house?  All while, probably, paying off credit card debt?  If you're making a 8% return on your retirement savings, and paying an aggregate 12% on debt then you shouldn't be saving.  You should concentrate on the debt.  Once the debt is retired you can worry about saving.  Likewise in those early years you're probably spending more time dealing with what's unplanned with said children, car, or house.  Things you're better equipped to deal with when older. 

Technician - "We can't even get decent physical health care. Mental health is like witchcraft here."
[ Parent ]
Addendum by jimgon (2.00 / 0) #30 Wed Mar 07, 2007 at 09:56:01 AM EST
Also, most people are at the height of their earning ability in the later forties and fifties.  You're financially better able to handle the needs of saving because you have more money coming in.

Technician - "We can't even get decent physical health care. Mental health is like witchcraft here."
[ Parent ]
hmmm by alprazolam (2.00 / 0) #31 Wed Mar 07, 2007 at 11:25:04 AM EST
i had my first credit card well before i graduated college, but i also had the sense to never run up any debt on it. my college loans were low interest until last year, so it made just as much sense to start saving as it did to pay them off. i guess i make more money than the average so i can afford to both pay off debt and save...but it seems pointless to wait to save for retirement until you've lost the time period that will get you the most from compound interest. jmo but if you can't afford to save 4 or 5% of your salary, maybe you shouldn't be buying houses or expensive cars or having kids.

[ Parent ]
My last college tuition payment for the kids by greyrat (2.00 / 0) #15 Tue Mar 06, 2007 at 08:54:53 AM EST
will be in 2017 -- assuming five years for each of five kids, if I remember correctly. I'll be fifty-seven.

[ Parent ]
Which school? by ucblockhead (2.00 / 0) #20 Tue Mar 06, 2007 at 09:42:37 AM EST
I'll be 55 when the FoML graduates high school.
[ucblockhead is] useless and subhuman
[ Parent ]
I'll be 59 when five year old is 23 by georgeha (2.00 / 0) #21 Tue Mar 06, 2007 at 09:48:04 AM EST
so assuming relatively normal grades, she should have a BS or BA at about that point. You'll be about the same with FOML.

I reckon I'll tell the girls to get their wanderlust in rigth after college, since I'll be in my dotage and need their care in their 30's.

[ Parent ]
I recall being annoyed at the hippie hooey tone by georgeha (4.00 / 1) #12 Tue Mar 06, 2007 at 08:38:27 AM EST
of What to Expect, though I didn't find it generally aimed at men.

I guess I figured parenting was a good learn as you go thing, and compared to most of my peers, I had a job and was emotionally stable, so I felt pretty confident.

What to Expect by StackyMcRacky (2.00 / 0) #17 Tue Mar 06, 2007 at 09:12:45 AM EST
overall, we like the book.  sooo many people have warned us off of it due to "fear mongering."  crazy.  So far, we've found it to be a valuable resource and has prevented more freaking out than anything else.

[ Parent ]
You'll probably be dead before your grandkids by debacle (1.00 / 1) #22 Tue Mar 06, 2007 at 10:58:49 AM EST
Get married.



Ditto on much of what you've said by theboz (4.00 / 2) #23 Tue Mar 06, 2007 at 11:42:42 AM EST
i actually want to be involved but everything out there seems to be written for people who want to give a book to a man who is being drug kicking and screaming into fatherhood. fuck that noise. the little asides that read like "oh look! daddy can be involved too!" are just as insulting.
I'd go as far as saying that I feel the level of excitement about my impending fatherhood that I felt as a 7 year old on Christmas morning after I took a sneak peak and saw that my mom had purchased the new Destro with the gold head and his tank and flying ship that attached together.

All those books make us men look like scumbags, when in reality I think most, if not all, of the HuSi fathers or fathers-to-be are involved. Sure, a lack of sleep is very annoying, but it's pretty exciting to know that you're bringing another person into the world whose mind you can twist and "wash", if you will, into becoming the perfect soldier to destroy the Earth for your glory. Or something like that.
- - - - -
That's what I always say about you, boz, you have a good memory for random facts about pussy. -- joh3n

Ignore that shit by littlestar (4.00 / 2) #24 Wed Mar 07, 2007 at 05:06:44 AM EST
See? That's why I said I didn't really like the pregnancy culture. It makes men stupid uncaring idiots and woman needy, stupid pieces of glass.

The books that are actually for men are ridiculous. CBB got a couple and they were so stupid, I'm sure you can recall him mentioning.

You are not an idiot. Don't feel like you need to be told about fatherhood, you KNOW!!! You are a capable, caring man who loves his wife and is VERY excited about being a dad. You have seen good dads and I'm sure you've seen bad dads. When the child comes you will learn (as we all continue to as parents) about being the best parent you can be, and being a husband to a mother rather then just someone who's all yours (that is definitely a hard part for men.. understandably).

Books can certainly be helpful but I think you should ignore any that are "for" men - they suck. Just read regular parenting books if you are interested in theories of discipline or child psychology (which I think is VERY good to do). I'm more for the science (understanding how kids think and what they need) and love approach rather then anecdotal crap from other parents (although of course, we can learn from our peers).

And, that's what I have to say about that.

p.s. I was born to my mother when she was 35, my father was 42ish... I'm just fine, and they even have met (and love) their grandkids.

consider it ignored... by clock (2.00 / 0) #25 Wed Mar 07, 2007 at 05:25:05 AM EST
...every time i read that crap it upsets me.  i think i'm a pretty good observer and i've spent a lot of time with little ones.  as stacky can attest, i'm about as excited as they get.  and i'm going to work hard at this.

still, it's sad that all i can do is tend to what she needs.  i don't want this to be about me, i just want to be a part of it without that fact being novel.

I agree with clock entirely --Kellnerin

[ Parent ]
This feeling will continue by littlestar (4.00 / 1) #26 Wed Mar 07, 2007 at 07:31:32 AM EST
I'm sad to say. You will go from getting tired of having to smile and listen when people tell you from how much you don't know about what's ahead, to smiling and listening while people tell you how much you don't know cause it's your first and/or only one.

People just really like knowing more and being able to feel smart about it. That is the conclusion CBB and I came to, particularly about parenting and kids. There are so many mothers and fathers who want to rub in how much more they have learned then you already know. To me it was so stupid - of course I don't know, I haven't gotten there yet (that doesn't mean I can't imagine or am not prepared for it), just as anyone can't REALLY know anything till they have done it themselves.

I'm so glad that part is over, now with two kids I don't hear that shit at all. I am part of the protected (when you have two or more, for some reason, it means you know everything even though you continue with firsts with your first child it is somehow different).

When there was only one child I had to smile/grind my teeth through a lot of stupid women feeling the need to impart stupid shit to me as they felt they needed to educate me because I couldn't possibly know anything as I only had one child (which means everything you do is your 'first time'). Particularly when you have the baby older women will LOVE to tell you things about how to care for a baby, as if you have no idea. I'm sorry to say sir, there is more annoyance in the works.

But, just to balance that you will have the joy of a squishy warm little mammal who needs you like no one else ever has. It is worth it.

[ Parent ]
I had one kid at 23, a second at 33. by ammoniacal (4.00 / 1) #28 Wed Mar 07, 2007 at 08:50:48 AM EST
I was petrified and unsure of myself the with the first and I was certainly much more comfortable and involved with parenting the second time around.
Your objection certainly proved true with me. Obviously, YMMV.

"To this day that was the most bullshit caesar salad I have every experienced..." - triggerfinger

on busting my butt and the daddy thing... | 31 comments (31 topical, 0 hidden)