Print Story My Daily Apple
By CheeseburgerBrown (Wed Jun 07, 2006 at 09:10:05 AM EST) test (all tags)
This is not a computer metaphor.

I eat one apple every day and I have to tell you that it is a highlight of my afternoon. While I've been known to take a banana to the hilt during the sleepy part of the afternoon in order to keep my motor running, nothing beats the zap-zing-zop! of a nice crispy apple during the evening commute. I laugh out loud and turn up the music. I relax in my chair and watch the farms slide by. I tap on the steering wheel and hum.

I used to eat my apple at work, which has its uses, but as I've refined my apple eating best practices I have come to the firm conclusion that apples are most productively applied to giving me a lift right before I come home, in order that I may meet the children with smiles and vim rather than aches and dreary.

Apples are the fruit of love. Bananas, in contrast, are the thinking man's fruit. Bananas should be inserted before creative brainstorming meetings or when trying to work through a particularly sticky compositing problem. Bananas make geniuses out of janitors and rocket scientists out of motion graphics jockeys. Bananas lift us up where we belong. All you need is bananas.

And apples. Like I said, topping off the day with a juicy green Grannysmith gives me the shazam required for suppertime parenting. As soon as I get into the car the hankering begins. How bad can the drive home be when you've got apples?

People who doubt the power of apples are probably Irhabi fucknuts or Communists. All good people like apples. Since there is a nearly infinite set of possible apple varieties, people who claim not to like apples simply haven't done enough research. There's an apple out there for everybody.

Just to name a few there's the Red Delicious, Golden Delicious, Rome Beauty, Winesap, Criterion, Gala, Jonagold, Classic Pippin, Newtown Pippin, McIntosh, Gravenstein, Fuji, Braeburn, Elstar, Spartan, Sunrise, Empire, Ginger Gold, Honeycrisp, Jonamac, Red Cort, Ida Red, Cortland, Northern Spy, Paula Red, Almata, Gold Russet, and Maiden's Blush. And of course the Baldwin, Black Oxford, Ben Davis, Blue Pearman, Dudley, Fameuse, Grimes Golden, King, Strawberry, Rhode Island Greening, Winter Red Flesh, Wolf River, and the famous Dolgo Crab. And no one could forget the Arkansas Black, Ashmead's Kernel, Blacktwig, Blenheim Orange, Black Gilliflower, Doctor, Fall Russet, Franklin, Cox's Orange Pippin, Fukunishiki, Davey, Holstein, Hopple's Antique Gold, Ingrid Marie, Jubilee, Kandil Sinap, Lady Sweet, Lamb Abbey Pearmain, Lord's Seedling, McLellan, Pitmaston Pineapple, Mother, Roxbury Russet, Jonathan, Salome, Senator, Snow, Somerset, Swayzie, Tremlett's Bitter, Virginia Gold, or the Westfield Seek-No-Further.

Bananas, on the other hand, are a clone army and therefore cannot be fully trusted, no matter how delicious they may be.

The word for apple in French is pomme.

My Daily Apple | 44 comments (44 topical, 0 hidden)
WIPO by ucblockhead (2.00 / 0) #1 Wed Jun 07, 2006 at 09:15:47 AM EST
What about the cherry!? No cherries?

Reminds's cherry season...I need to hit the farmer's market on Sunday.
[ucblockhead is] useless and subhuman

Oops. by CheeseburgerBrown (2.00 / 0) #14 Wed Jun 07, 2006 at 09:50:05 AM EST
Ssh! by The Fool (2.00 / 0) #2 Wed Jun 07, 2006 at 09:16:01 AM EST
Stop talking about apples like that, or the feds will launch a War On Apples, complete with Nancy Reagan in PSAs telling us all to "Just Say No to Apples".

Fruit by ad hoc (2.00 / 0) #3 Wed Jun 07, 2006 at 09:16:51 AM EST
best apple: Fuji.
second best apple: Pink Lady.

But if you're going the banana route, use protection.
Close friendships and a private room can offer most of the things love does.

i would invert that ordering by tps12 (2.00 / 0) #16 Wed Jun 07, 2006 at 09:50:59 AM EST
But otherwise AWTP.

[ Parent ]
i prefer granny smith by alprazolam (2.00 / 0) #18 Wed Jun 07, 2006 at 09:57:14 AM EST
although it seems like i only get a good one every other time i buy them. the rest of the time they're kinda mealy.

[ Parent ]
INCORRECT by gazbo (2.00 / 0) #41 Wed Jun 07, 2006 at 11:17:31 PM EST
Pink Lady is good - good crisp texture, but I feel it's a little too sweet without enough acidity.


I recommend always assuming 7th normal form where items in a text column are not allowed to rhyme.

[ Parent ]
That's why it's 2d by ad hoc (2.00 / 0) #43 Thu Jun 08, 2006 at 05:07:24 AM EST
Galas and Fujis by greyrat (2.00 / 0) #4 Wed Jun 07, 2006 at 09:25:22 AM EST
Definitely NOT any of the so-called Delicious varieties.

My Grandpa taught me to eat the whole apple (or pear -- but TIASFAT) core and all. Neat, efficient, environmentally sound, and extra tasty.

Apple seeds contain strychnine by ad hoc (2.00 / 0) #8 Wed Jun 07, 2006 at 09:37:08 AM EST
Cyanide. by ambrosen (4.00 / 1) #21 Wed Jun 07, 2006 at 10:04:58 AM EST
Which is metabolised very quickly.

[ Parent ]
And I'm passing them unmetabolized anyway. by greyrat (2.00 / 0) #28 Wed Jun 07, 2006 at 10:24:05 AM EST
All you need to know here.

[ Parent ]
red delicious by iGrrrl (4.00 / 1) #36 Wed Jun 07, 2006 at 04:06:31 PM EST
They're actually one of my favorites if eaten straight off the tree.  Otherwise, I won't touch them, as store-bought versions are merely red.
"I honestly pity the stupid motherfucker who tries to talk down to iGrrrl" - mrgoat
[ Parent ]
Indeed! I'll give you that. by greyrat (2.00 / 0) #37 Wed Jun 07, 2006 at 05:45:53 PM EST
But by the time they make it to the store, they've become mealy, tasteless, damp sponges.

[ Parent ]
Cranberries, i voted. by ana (2.00 / 0) #5 Wed Jun 07, 2006 at 09:26:45 AM EST
However, for a week or so every fall, I'd hafta go with Cortland apples. Best. Thing. Ever, if they're crisp and fresh. But they don't age gracefully.

Can you introspect out loud? --CRwM

Oh yeah .. apples are great! by Bob Abooey (2.00 / 0) #6 Wed Jun 07, 2006 at 09:27:46 AM EST
As long as you don't mind all that acidic juice eating a hole through your colon.

Warmest regards,
--Your best pal Bob

Apples reduce cholesterol by ad hoc (2.00 / 0) #9 Wed Jun 07, 2006 at 09:37:43 AM EST
For real??? by Bob Abooey (2.00 / 0) #20 Wed Jun 07, 2006 at 09:59:05 AM EST
No wait, I'm gonna google this to double check.

Warmest regards,
--Your best pal Bob

[ Parent ]
GIFY by ad hoc (2.00 / 0) #22 Wed Jun 07, 2006 at 10:09:15 AM EST
That, of course, should be GIYF by ad hoc (2.00 / 0) #24 Wed Jun 07, 2006 at 10:10:47 AM EST
Uh huh... by Bob Abooey (2.00 / 0) #26 Wed Jun 07, 2006 at 10:15:48 AM EST
There is new evidence that apples may be able to help lower cholesterol levels. Diets high in fiber and low in fat have been linked to maintaining a healthy heart. In this case, apples contain the soluble fiber pectin, which may help in lowering cholesterol levels and performing other health-related tasks, such as maintaining a healthy intestinal tract.

Either way, I've been eating more low-fat/high-fibre food than you could shake a Canadian Terrorist at for the past few months so I should be in good shape.

Warmest regards,
--Your best pal Bob

[ Parent ]
To cover all your bases by ad hoc (4.00 / 1) #27 Wed Jun 07, 2006 at 10:17:58 AM EST
you should probably be eating apple pies in a fish oil and oat flour crust.
Close friendships and a private room can offer most of the things love does.
[ Parent ]
Better Than Coffee. by CheeseburgerBrown (2.00 / 0) #15 Wed Jun 07, 2006 at 09:50:48 AM EST
as a fellow apple lover by 256 (4.00 / 1) #7 Wed Jun 07, 2006 at 09:29:05 AM EST
i am almost loathe to point out your misapprehensions regarding bananas.

the banana clone thing that you hear about from time to time applies only to the particular variety of banana that happens to be the only one (other than plantains) that you can buy in most canadian and yankee groceries. check out a fruit market in mexico, dollars for 1992 pesos if you don't find at least as many types of banana's as you would apples at your local Atlantic & Pacific Grocer.
I don't think anyone's ever really died from smoking. --ni

Those little red bananas are yummers by ad hoc (2.00 / 0) #11 Wed Jun 07, 2006 at 09:38:41 AM EST
As Mentioned In The Linked Article [nt] by CheeseburgerBrown (2.00 / 0) #13 Wed Jun 07, 2006 at 09:48:28 AM EST
what is this now? by 256 (4.00 / 1) #17 Wed Jun 07, 2006 at 09:57:11 AM EST
I don't think anyone's ever really died from smoking. --ni
[ Parent ]
Mod Parent Flamebait by CheeseburgerBrown (2.00 / 0) #25 Wed Jun 07, 2006 at 10:11:28 AM EST
oh! how i long for those mexican bananas! by misslake (4.00 / 1) #31 Wed Jun 07, 2006 at 11:37:37 AM EST
the tabasco bananas were my favourite. perfect for breakfast. each gloriously yellow banana was as large as my forearm, slightly starchy, and yet just as sweet as our common cavendish bananas. so filling you only had to eat one with your coffee and you were set to face the morning.


[ Parent ]
Honeycrisp, represent! by barooo (2.00 / 0) #10 Wed Jun 07, 2006 at 09:38:30 AM EST

All others are but a pale reflection.

man, i need a beefy taco now.
And if you don't wanna eat them fresh . . . by zarathus (2.00 / 0) #12 Wed Jun 07, 2006 at 09:43:52 AM EST
get someone to make a nice home-made apple strudel or apple pie from them.  This, of course, would not be reccomended for an evening commute.

Blogger - n. Someone with nothing to say writing for someone with nothing to do.
I do like apples by toxicfur (2.00 / 0) #19 Wed Jun 07, 2006 at 09:57:44 AM EST
But I tend to prefer citrus fruits for that pick-me-up. Grapefruits, oranges, tangerines, clementines, limes. Kumquats, too. I'm also a fan of bing cherries, plums, and nectarines. Also mangos. Sadly, bananas make my stomach hurt.
I've got more than one membership to more than one club, and I owe my life to the people that I love. - Ani DiFranco
James Grieve, Bramley, Egremont Russet by ambrosen (2.00 / 0) #23 Wed Jun 07, 2006 at 10:10:03 AM EST
Worcester Pearmain...

Seriously, do you not have proper apples in your country?

Brsmley? by hulver (2.00 / 0) #40 Wed Jun 07, 2006 at 10:43:19 PM EST
I wouldn't fancy munching on one of those. Bit tart to eat raw.
Cheese is not a hat. - clock
[ Parent ]
I prefer by Gedvondur (4.00 / 1) #29 Wed Jun 07, 2006 at 11:22:47 AM EST
Cortland apples.

They rule.

"I love my brain. It's the only organ I can afford to lose." --frijolito

No limes? by aphrael (2.00 / 0) #30 Wed Jun 07, 2006 at 11:24:04 AM EST
Limes are the Fruit of the Gods.
If television is a babysitter, the internet is a drunk librarian who won't shut up.
I Only Had So Many Options. by CheeseburgerBrown (2.00 / 0) #33 Wed Jun 07, 2006 at 11:47:31 AM EST
ENOUGH WITH THE TAUNTING by Rogerborg (4.00 / 2) #32 Wed Jun 07, 2006 at 11:43:52 AM EST
First it's drink diaries, now it's people with all their front teeth gloating, "Oooh, I can eat apples, crunch, crunch, I'm so abled."  If anyone starts talking about how great it is being able to get things off the top shelf in the supermarket, I'll be forming a picket line.  You scabs.

Metus amatores matrum compescit, non clementia.
Scottish grocers by MillMan (4.00 / 1) #35 Wed Jun 07, 2006 at 04:01:27 PM EST
have shelves built for nordic persons? What's with the self hatred?

Everybody still hates me in this city and I hate everybody.

[ Parent ]
I never took you for an anti-Orange fascist by Scrymarch (2.00 / 0) #34 Wed Jun 07, 2006 at 02:17:24 PM EST
... but there the proof is, plain as day. It's a shame.

The Political Science Department of the University of Woolloomooloo

All that marching... by ShadowNode (2.00 / 0) #44 Fri Jun 09, 2006 at 07:47:23 AM EST
Gets annoying after a while.

[ Parent ]
best fruit by persimmon (4.00 / 1) #38 Wed Jun 07, 2006 at 06:21:59 PM EST
"Nature is such a fucking plagarist."
I guess mangoes by calla (2.00 / 0) #39 Wed Jun 07, 2006 at 08:09:01 PM EST
are too tropical for you Canucks.

"Are Linux chicks worth it?" fencepost

I too eat one Granny Smith a day by nebbish (2.00 / 0) #42 Thu Jun 08, 2006 at 01:56:36 AM EST
I buy mine fromn the grocers when I get my dinner, and eat it at my desk after I've had my sandwich.

One of the most upsetting things that can happen in my working day is realising that I've lost my apple. I'm a bit forgetful and quite regularly leave it on the counter in the shop. I usually chat with a friend on the phone a bit in the afternoon, and if I'm sounding glum she'll ask "Did you lose your apple again?"

It's political correctness gone mad!

My Daily Apple | 44 comments (44 topical, 0 hidden)