Print Story today was a great day
By misslake (Mon Mar 06, 2006 at 12:02:43 AM EST) mfc, 256, love, today, music, the shawshack, mischief (all tags)
today, wherein i stayed up too late, fell down the stairs, slept, ate, was shy, late, afraid and doubtful, then was encouraged, faced my fears, re-connected with an old friend, fell in love with 256 again, made music, ate drank and was merry, cleaned up some stuff, advised and received advice, unanimously decided on ignoring our good sense, and then didn't go to bed because i don't want today to ever stop.

assuming that each day begins at midnight, today started out in a strange and beautiful haze. once someone told me how to tell if you were a grown-up or not. if you are still a kid, then when you have a party you end up with less booze than you started with. if you are a grown-up, you have parties and end up with more booze left over than you started with. not only am i a grown up in that sense, i somehow ended up on saturday with more drugs than i had acquired on friday. by the beginning of sunday, misstrish and i were deep into a delicious squishy haze. we spent an uncountable amount of time looking at cute animals in the internet. by 5, it was time to go downstairs so as not to keep 256 up. the house was dark and quiet. except for our voices and footfalls. these we muffled as best we could. the darkness seemed so comforting and reasonable, we turned off lights as we passed from my room, to the hall, to the stairway. at the top of the stairs i breathed the darkness in deeply. my hands were full of random objects, picked up because of some whim and now carefully held. the stairs faded in and out of my memory.
i thought to myself, 'i will go turn the downstairs hall light on. that won't wake anyone up.'
i put one foot on the stair. then i put my other foot down on the next stair. the darkness was comforting, secure and peaceful. i drifted down another stair or two. then i tried to remember how far i had to go and how far i had already come. the darkness began to glitter and change. it was still dark, but the blackness had taken on patterns. another step, or maybe it was two. maybe i was mistaking misstrish's footfalls for my own and i hadn't yet began descending.
'oh, it seems that here i am almost at the bottom the the stairs.' i was confident that i could see the pattern of the tile rising up to my eyes through the dark. i put my right foot down firmly, elbow grazing the banister. then it slipped somehow, the tiles receded away from me, the darkness shimmered, closed in tightly, then spread out further than it could possibly go. i realized i had misjudged the location of the last step. holding tight the things in my hands i confidently put my left foot down onto what i was sure was the last step. yet i faltered again, and felt both my feet rush out from under me.
'how long have i been walking down the stairs? how long will i fall? i began descending only a moment ago. can i even see anything at all? has this all been the pictures that form behind my eyes?' i was startled, but unafraid. i was struck with awe at the sensation of falling, the mysterious feeling of falling down a very long corridor. i was realizing that my familiar stairwell was not as i had perceived it. it seemed like a very long time. when i had stopped falling, time suddenly sped back up.
misstrish gasped, muttered "LIGHT" in the loudest whisper possible.
"i'm okay, i am on the floor now. i have stopped falling" i was delighted. this was something i was now sure about. i would stay on the floor untill i got up. ND rushed out of his room at the top of the stairs and came to rescue us. i stood up, and smiled up at them. i don't remember if i made it to a light, or if it was ND or misstrish. but we could see each other again.
"i'm fine." i tried to be reassuring, tried to express my exciting adventure in time and perception, my rediscovery of floor and falling, my surprise, my delight, my gratitude to them for wanting to help.
"i hallucinated. um, i fell. it's um, dark. thanks." i spat out all the words i could manage. ND went back to bed, misstrish and i continued in our separate adventures together again at last, no longer separated by the stairs. i think we made it to our beds around dawn.
256 woke me in the early afternoon, "we have to be at j's at 3, sorry i meant to wake you up sooner, it's 45 minutes to go time. can you make it?" "hmm, maybe no, but i'll try." i hurt all over from the fall. huge bruises. i was nervous about singing. we were going to record our mfc entry today. my movements were slowed by my lack of sleep, my injuries, and my general excess from the past 2 nights. i also felt shy. i was afraid. i was worried i wouldn't be good enough. or that i would be too hung up on getting it right and make j and 256 go over everything too many times. i tried to push it aside. not let it get to me. but i kept catching myself at a standstill somewhere, not yet ready. we were late. my fault. 256 was understanding, but i could tell it was vexing him. i hurried myself as best i could. the day was clear and cool, the walk was delightful. but i was nervous.
"i'm terrified" i finally confessed.
"you're scared? of what?!?"
"i am scared to sing."
my beloved's expression changed from alarm and concern to reassurance and good humour.
i jumped in before he could speak, "i know you hear me all the time and think that i sing fine, and well, i guess i do sing fine. but it's not like it was before, i used to have a Great Voice, when i sang before i was a good singer..." i trailed off, tried to find the best way to explain my growing anxiety.
"i know how i sounded before, and now i sound so much worse than that. it's not actually bad, but to me it is. my voice is out of tune, out of training. i sing 'fine' now, but that seems utterly terrible compared to how it was. i'm feeling really shy."
"oh, baby; it will be ok. you'll be great."
"but i once sang both the american and canadian anthems solo at the youth conference at the united nations, i used to be able to Sing. i could fill the whole church with just my voice. this isn't church, or the un, or school choir." i fidgeted with my mittens, wondered if he would understand. wanted him to understand. i tried to push the way i used to sound out of my mind. tried not to remember all the recent times i would open my mouth to sing along to music, and feel no note come out, or feel my vocal cords strain and creek, rather than hum and glow. 256 smiled at me and reassured me. i felt a little better.
once we were in the studio, with j enthusiastically tuning up, playing us song sketches, spinning tales, showing us neat things, loving us, loving having us as collaborators, i felt much better. i was glad to have reconnected with j. we'd had a falling out of sorts, months and months ago. he had started working at the sprouts with me, and after seeing him everyday, listening to everything he was saying, his few faults were irking me. getting exponentially larger and uglier with each tiny thing i perceived wrong. i was finding him intolerable. but this time was j pure and true, and my affection for him rushed in and swept away all my petty grumblings. and then i sang. i can still carry a tune! i sat up straight in the chair. i took deep breaths, tried to remember how to time them with the music. i pushed and pulled my voice out. it was smaller than before, but still clear. after only going through it once or twice we began recording. i was uncomfortable. this was unstructured, not like it had been before. but 256 and j were so enthusiastic, we were having fun, and i got into it. it was becoming a neat little song. we were making a neat little song together! and it wasn't bad. it was ok. singing with headphones on into a mike was strange. doing backup noisemaking and hollering with j was odd... but kind of agreeable. actually, it was playful, it was enjoyable. it was all going so well. 256 had made it all happen. he could be so bold. it was amazing. i was surprised over and over again by j's mastery of the computer recording, his sense of what would make it even better. i was delighted to see that 256 was right. it was ok. i didn't need to be nervous or afraid. i should not have been so shy about joining in on the music fun challenge. i was amazed at how well we worked together, how the music kept getting better with each new track we added.
it was dark on the walk home. i was cold, and a little tired. dangerously close to getting grumpy. but pleased enough with what we had done. 256 smiled and hugged me. we shared our song with the house. i felt a little silly at how scared i had been. they all liked it. it was a good song. we hung out in the kitchen. we all puzzled over the bizarre vegan cannoli recipe that misstrish and K were working on. we ate. we listened to our song again. it was pretty good. it was actually quite good. it was great. it was marvellous. we did a great job. i had made music.
i wandered about the house in a happy mood. i found 256 at the computer. i interrupted him. i was suddenly fully aware of everything we had accomplished today, of every way he had tried to make me feel better, of how much his confidence in me had helped me. i giggled and stole kisses. he had an intense expression on. i tried not to disrupt him too much, i thought he was maybe writing. i was giddy.
"our mfc is great. you are the Best Boyfriend Ever. iloveyou. 256, i Love You." he laughed with me briefly. i fled the room before i erupted into smooshyness, i might have already been too disruptive to his computing. but i knew he could tell how i felt. and appreciated it, and would also appreciate me letting him get back to whatever he was up to.
it was getting late, k and misstrish were still trying to work out the cannolis. we talked through the last 15 minutes of the oscars. we hung out, traded tales. we hesitated slightly, then went gleeflly ahead with a few bad ideas. well, not bad, we chose based on immediate fun over other more responsible options. the dishes were washed, advice was sought and thoughtfully given. going to bed crossed our minds, but we brushed it aside.
"well, i guess i just won't sleep at all tonight." said misstrish with something that might have been resolve, but might have been giving in to all the wonderful bad ideas we were sharing. paris hilton's face was clipped out of the newspaper with a half formed plan for doing something mischievous with it. caution was thrown to the wind, the cannoli shells were a mess of crumbs and sticky sugary goo. they were devoured. the fish tanks were cleaned out. serious thoughts, laughter and sly glances were circulated. K did some stuff for school, misstrish called her date confirmed some plans, an excurison was launched to find cigarettes. misstrish was walked to the subway. i recaptured a cricket that had escaped from the lizard's dinner.
still i am resisting sleep. K is too. misstrish probably is. although, she may very well have defeated sleep by now, and has sleep tied to a chair somewhere. k is playing puzzle pirates, and i am typing. i don't want today to stop. i will try and capture it. pin it down with words. keep it just a little longer on the internet. i am tired. i wonder if 256 is asleep like the rest of the good people of the world. getting plenty of rest so he can go to work tomorrow. i hold tenuously on to a notion. i could stay up even longer than i already have, since i don't start work until 5 pm tomorrow. instead i sip some valerian tea, let it slowly warm and lull me. i imagine curling up in my bed, i picture it clearly in my mind. upstairs, black cover, blue blankets, half full of sleeping 256. very inviting... i hear K begin a puzzle sword fight in the next room. she still resists sleep. i am barely resisting sleep. my resolve is weakening. i try and find good words to conclude this, to give a definitive end to today... but my aesthetic desire to end writing well is fading. feeling drowsy. i don't want today to stop. i'd rather just let tonight trail off. leave today open ended. dawn approaches. night is almost ended.
< Baby, you gotta hold on. | BBC White season: 'Rivers of Blood' >
today was a great day | 7 comments (7 topical, 0 hidden)
That was beautiful . . . by slozo (4.00 / 1) #1 Mon Mar 06, 2006 at 01:45:30 AM EST
. . . free-form writing. Sounded like a great day indeed . . .

. . . 'cept for those bruises tomorrow.

Love the mfc by ana (4.00 / 1) #2 Mon Mar 06, 2006 at 02:28:16 AM EST
and your voice. Keep 'em coming!

Can you introspect out loud? --CRwM

This whole thing by blixco (4.00 / 1) #3 Mon Mar 06, 2006 at 02:44:14 AM EST
should be somehow linked to your (winning, I hope) MFC.
Taken out of context I must seem so strange - Ani DiFranco
You have a wonderful voice by cam (4.00 / 1) #4 Mon Mar 06, 2006 at 03:13:35 AM EST
and that is a great MFC entry.

Freedom, liberty, equity and an Australian Republic

Clear As Un Unmuddied Miss Lake by CheeseburgerBrown (4.00 / 1) #5 Mon Mar 06, 2006 at 05:59:46 AM EST
That's a fine day.

I am from a small, unknown country in the north called Ca-na-da. We are a simple, grease-loving people who enjoy le weekend de ski.
Not wanting the day to end? by calla (2.00 / 0) #6 Mon Mar 06, 2006 at 08:00:14 AM EST
Not wanting to go to sleep? I have that problem also.

I worked so hard to get to where I am, I'm often too giddy to sleep.

Your song is awesome. Your voice is perfect. Keep making songs with 256, plz.

So glad you saved that day by MissTrish (2.00 / 0) #7 Tue Mar 07, 2006 at 11:24:46 AM EST
I can now remember it so much more clearly with your words than the fuzziness my brain was clinging to.

I hope that you will fill our kitchen, living room, bedrooms and bathrooms with your voice. Churches got nothing on us.

ypu're a chair
today was a great day | 7 comments (7 topical, 0 hidden)