The orange children's chewable aspirin (Bayer being the big brand from my childhood) is a local favorite. I used to eat it by the handful, likening it to Flintstones vitamins, but tastier. The limit per day was five, according to the label. Irn-Bru has a finishing taste a lot like three aspirin. However, the aspirin can heal the sick and help kids get addicted to the pharmaceutical industry, which help capitalism, whereas Irn-Bru just sort of rots teeth and makes Scottish kids more Scottish.
Winner: Children's Orange Flavored Chewable Aspirin
Big Red soda vs. Irn-Bru
Big Red is a sickly sweet red soda marketed as cheaply as possible. Here in Texas you often see little tiny cars with Big Red markings being used by smugglers and the soda's own distributor. The formula follows a child's idea of soda: take one seriously disgusting flavor, color it red, and add four hundred ton(nes) of sugar. The result is a mess of awful. Irn-Bru, to its credit, only smells like Big Red, and hits the mouth just as the brain is about to panic and recoil in nasty fear of SWEET BIG RED MADNESS. Then everything suddenly changes gear and the brain is all like "whoa" and the stuff you're drinking seems to have lye and powdered metal as active flavorings.
Winner: It's a draw.
CVS Pharmacy brand Instant Hand Sanitizer vs. Irn-Bru
The CVS hand sanitizer is the worst enemy of obsessive hand washers, in that its presence indicates the person attached does not wash their hands but rather "sanitizes" them using a mixture of alcohol, carbomer, and propylene glycol. Thing is, the stuff has to be in contact with your hands for 15 seconds. Most people have wiped it off or didn't use enough, thus the germy mess they become. It is, however, loaded with fragrance and ethyl alcohol, which will fuck you up. Irn-Bru has a Big Red fragrance and no alcohol, though there is rumor that it has more anti-microbial properties than the hand sanitizer.
Winner: As a hand sanitizer, Irn-Bru wins.
Deadly Anaconda Snakes vs. Irn-Bru
Deadly Anaconda Snakes are not at all refreshing! They do not have any sort of soda properties! They are scary as hell! Get them away from me!
Winner: Chad, the crazy motherfucker who wrangled the snakes out of my office. If it helps, he used a bottle of Irn-Bru to bash one of the snakes flat.
Underworld (the techno band) vs. Irn-Bru
Underworld goes down smoove, with tons of flava, and a distinct Europop aftertaste. It takes a couple of gallons before you really get into it, because the first gallon or so it's sort of all the same, bland thing. Then after a bit more, you're like "wow, this is changing and it is sort of nice" and then you're all happy and bouncing. But it takes more patience to love Underworld than it takes to hate Irn-Bru.
Winner: Irn-Bru is like bad speed metal cranked to 11 in a 1982 Camaro. Irn-Bru wins.
Pico (my dog) vs. Irn-Bru
Pico has never been more terrified of anything in her short little terrier life.
Winner: Pico, because she's cute and she's my dog. Irn-Bru is neither.
Scotch vs Irn-Bru.
Irn-Bru is sort of like a non-alcoholic Jagermeister, for those of you who are addicted to the Robitussin + calf's blood taste of Jager who can no longer drink alcohol, or see out of both eyes due to alcohol poisoning, or have lost any sort of taste. Irn-Bru ("Not a significant source of iron!") tastes like the blood of a man who has been drinking Jagermeister and eating the odd orange or lime, who then froze to death stumbling home through the fields, who then was covered over in peat moss and ultimately discovered some fifty years later by the crew of a Cat D-5 who were ironically digging a hole. Scotch tastes slightly less so.
Winner: Irn-Bru, for being so not fucking yuppie.
To sum up: if you are stumbling blind and hungry to your local international deli after having given blood, do not buy a bottle of Irn-Bru no matter how cool and / or different you want to be. No, avoid that orange stuff. Like Moxie, it is only pretending to be orange soda. Do yourself a favor and rinse your mouth out with your own blood instead. You'll thank me!
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