Resident Evil: Apocalypse


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Picks up precisely where Resident Evil left off, i.e. hot chicks killing zombies, then continues in that vein without letup for the duration.

Kudos for:

• Hot chicks.
• Zombies.
• No silly faffing about with "plot" or "character".
• Huggy Motherfucking Bear.
• Zombie boooobs.
• Characters are consistent for the two lines they each get.

Castigations for:

• Crossing the line from homage to rip off in the treatment of its informing sources.
• Replaces Michelle Rodriguez (pre weird Denise-Richards-a-like makeover) with some shoddy Lara Croft knock off.
• Flagrant abuse of raggedy _jump^cuts.
• Introducing characters ten second before brutally doing them over.
• No Little Red Dress.
• Painfully forced set-up for prospective Resident Evil: The Z Team spinoff.

On that basis, I rate it a GHB score of: 3 / 3 / 2 or an average of 2.6666666666666666666666666666667, which translates to "Would watch again if Resident Evil weren't on."

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X2


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Ehh, Old Lady Grey is looking tired in this one.  Fortunately, Colonial censors seem unable to grasp the fact that Rebecca Boutros-Galli is for all practical purposes naked on screen throughout half the film, which, in conjunction with Anna Paquin looking like she's shilling for wholesale vendors of rohypnol, pushes the Gonads rating to an unprecedented (for the second outing of this scale) level of 4.

The plot keeps rolling along nicely, with plenty of opportunites for fat virgin nerds to shriek "Look!  That guy in the background for a quarter of a second!  That's Mudskipper!  Remember, he appeared in two panels of that Mutant Housepets / New Furries crossover.".  There's even a token attempt to be all like "Hey! Equality is cool, kids, even though every Norm in this film is a cretin, a bigot, or a mass murderer."

Kudos for:

• Plucky little Anna Paquin and her plump quivering... lips.
• Increased body count; everything changed after 119.
• Not giving that Korean broad any lines, hahaha.  Just walk around and look racially ambivalent until your stunt double takes over.
• Features that Wedge Antilles guy from Star Trek.
• Not being god damn fucking Spiderman.
• Serious actorrrrs.

Castigations for:

• Shit villain.  What part of the "South" is he from anyway?  Penicuik?
• Not quite enough Anna Paquin.

X2's overall ratings of 4 / 4 / 3 represent a film that's well worth re-watching, if only to see that annoying old broad die at the end.  Yes she does.  Shut up.  Shut up.

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Team America: World Police


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The reason why so many reviews of this film focus on a few scenes is that much of the rest of it does drag along rather.  Yes, yes, we get how this joke will play out.  Move on.  You can see how the premise looked like it could carry an hour and a half, but there's really only a South Park's worth of ideas in here.

Kudos for:

• Puppet sex.  Look, if you kiddie fiddlers can rub one out to your tentacle doodles, I don't see why I should feel bad about having wood for the woodentops.
• Crude racial stereotyping.  Let's enjoy it while it's still legal.
• Surprise live-action black pussy scene.
• Doing all the same stuff that they've already done in South Park.

Castigations for:

• Not nearly enough puppet sex.  Needed more ripped pink camouflage jumpsuits.
• Relatively shoddy musical numbers.  Bigger, Longer and Uncut had much more engaging tunes.
• Trey and Matt finally bite off more voice work than they can handle.  Most of the puppets' voices are variants on South Park characters, which is a bit of a disjoint.
• Not as clever as it thinks it is by being deliberately not as clever as it could be.
• Doing all the same stuff that they've already done in South Park.

The GHB score of 2 / 3 / 2 is perhaps unnecessarily cruel.  There's nothing particularly wrong with Team America, but neither is there any compelling reason to watch it instead of 3 South Park episodes, or Bigger, Longer and Uncut.