Reality Shows Worth Watching: A Comprehensive List

1. The news. It's the original structured, manufactured Reality Product! Long before eight strangers were picked to live in a house, before George Galloway and Dennis Rodman were Indian Rasslin' for a chance to peep through the keyhole at ex-Baywatch talent undressing themselves for bed, even before Sherwood Schwartz filmed his groundbreaking documentary about a 3 hour tour gone horribly awry, the news was Keepin' it Real.
2. All the other ones suck. Don't bother.

Beard vs. Food: A Solution

Generally, I tend to keep the moustache part of my beard trimmed, while the rest I allow to grow wild like that of Paul Bunyan. However, sometimes in the hustle and bustle of modern life, it still manages to be a little unkempt. For the most part, this isn't too big a problem. Most daily activities are not hindered by a little extra length in the moustache department, if you know what I mean. Still, I find that eating food is occasionally problematic, as sauce-heavy (not burnsauce, just regular sauce) foods tend to leave remnants of their passing in the hairs just above my upper lip.

In doing some intensive Internets research, I've discovered a solution, though! A solution developed by the LESBIAN DENTAL CABAL, no less! Ladies and gentlemen, I give to you the seedling of a product idea which will REVOLUTIONIZE BEARD CARE AS WE KNOW IT: The Dental Dam! Naturally, the existing dental dams will have to be modified, but it won't take much to make it work; just a hole to shove the food through! I think we can safely assume that a pair of scissors will solve this conundrum. IS THERE ANYTHING THAT SCISSORS, AND/OR DUCT TAPE, CANNOT FIX? I think that there is not.

Xbox 360 Game That Is Gonna Rock: A Hypertext Link

Ghost Recon Advanced Warfighter

Odd Construction Projects Around The House: Cheap and Quick Vocal Booth

This weekend, I'm going to buy some PVC pipe, and frame myself a 7' tall, 4x4 assembly, which I will then attach, via the magic of Velcro, thick fucking blankets, thus creating a SUPER AWESOME VOCAL RECORDING BOOTH. I am stealing the idea, with some obvious modifications, from Trent "Gave a handjob to that dude who wrote Quake" Reznor.

Things That Are Scarce:

Why is it so hard to find Martina Hingis bukkake porn on the Internet? I mean, why did the Department of Defense build this thing in the first place? Jeez, technology has a long, long way to go.

Jobs that are Hard to Find Online

I'd like to get a job as a shephard in Ireland. Strangely, there don't seem to be many shephard job postings online. WTF is up with that? Is the shepharding field so nepotistic that you have to know one to be one? Has the occupation secretly been quashed from existence, with all sheep now being herded by robots? Hard to say, really. All I know is I may have to get one of those employment agents to find such a job for me, as monster, dice, and all other job sites I've scoured are turning up nothing.

Well, not nothing; there are a shitload of computer jobs, but fuck computers. This whole "technology" thing is a fad. I don't want to be caught with my pants down when computers become the next Mood Ring or Rubik's Cube.

Other Videogames for Xbox 360 That Will Justify Such a Purchase

Mmmmmmm, Dead Rising...

Stuff that Makes You Go, "Awwwwwwww"

• Puppy trying to open a Diet Coke
• And one for you kittensexuals

IN YO FACE, BIZZATCH!

Well, it seems my dear friend and bandmate who is a journalist got an email from another journalist, who I built a defamation site about. HA! HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAFUCKINGHA! PWN3D! He's not linked to in any form on the site, nor am I, though it wouldn't take too much detective work to see who registered the domain, then follow the links to eventually stumble upon a name she recognized. I find it funny, though, that she emailed him, and not me. What's the matter, bitch? You shook? Things too hard out in the yard fo' that ass? I KEEPS IT REAL!

Tender Pervert

And now, I shall close with the lyrics to "Coming in a Girl's Mouth" by the Honorable, though Politically Naive, Momus:

Coming In A Girl's Mouth

What is the cultural meaning of coming in a girl's mouth?
Do I wish to feed her or fill her mouth with filth?
Is it just to test whether she accepts my messiest mess
Or simply paint a funny milk moustache across her face?

Or is there in this thrilling ritual something messianic
Some sort of baptism by sperm?
Like my cock is John the Baptist saying
'One day someone greater than me shall come'
Or some Moses who leads an entire nation across her tongue
To liberation

That must be it... why else fill a girl's mouth saltily full
With a fluid the consistency of honey, tapioca, and motor oil?