Print Story Motherfucking Gym
By tps12 (Sun Feb 05, 2006 at 07:54:57 PM EST) balls, skeleton, anorexia, sauna, gym (all tags)
I have been going to the gym for a little while.

My first day there, I walked into the men's locker room, and there was an old guy blow-drying his balls. I don't really have a problem with the actual activity—blow-driers are provided for general use without strings attached, some people have damp balls, &c.—but the whole narrative it implied was a little upsetting: a henpecked old man whose wife denies him this simple pleasure, forced to get a gym membership fulfill a basic human need (dry balls).

Today a guy joined me in the sauna. I've seen him in the gym before...he is nine feet tall and has a Lex Luthor haircut. He came into the sauna soaking wet from the shower, and then did a whole stretching routine, naked as a buck. His best move was placing one foot dead center of the sauna and bending over so the other foot was on one wall and his arms were on the one across. Huffing and puffing and grunting and groaning the entire time. I desperately wanted to escape, but his wiener was directly over my flip-flops. When I saw an opportunity to leave, I grabbed it (the opportunity, not his wiener).

Update [2006-2-7 8:38:4 by tps12]: Fixed spelling of "Luthor."

Update [2006-2-15 11:49:43 by tps12]: Fixed tags.

< This kinda sucks. | BBC White season: 'Rivers of Blood' >
Motherfucking Gym | 26 comments (26 topical, 0 hidden)
also by tps12 (2.00 / 0) #1 Sun Feb 05, 2006 at 08:00:48 PM EST
Can I just say, motherfucking Seattle.

be happy by dr k (2.00 / 0) #2 Sun Feb 05, 2006 at 08:32:08 PM EST
you only have one skellington at your gym.

:| :| :| :| :|

Your stretching man reminded me by creo (4.00 / 2) #3 Sun Feb 05, 2006 at 09:08:43 PM EST
of a gym story when I was in Stockholm.

Sweden still had their version of "Gladiators" running, and one of the gladiators - Atlas - used to work out/hold court in this gym. This guy was a literal man mountain - he was massive, in every way, as I was soon to find out.

I'm in the locker room, bending down to the lowest level of locker to get my stuff, when Atlas comes over (naked) to get his stuff from the lockers next to mine, but a row higher.

You know that feeling you get when being watched? I turn to the right, and the his bell end is about 2 inches from my head. It was attached to a fucking python. I'm sure glad that he did not move rapidly to his left, otherwise I would have been KO'd by that thing.

I got my stuff and split.


"I shall do what I believe to be right and honourable" - Guderian

Now that's comedy (n/t) by jimgon (2.00 / 0) #6 Mon Feb 06, 2006 at 03:07:44 AM EST

Technician - "We can't even get decent physical health care. Mental health is like witchcraft here."
[ Parent ]
Seems perfectly normal by komet (4.00 / 1) #4 Mon Feb 06, 2006 at 01:37:32 AM EST
Every gym has a few of those. Mine has about eight girls with no boobs whatsoever. It is also has a few common characters you don't mention - Guy Who Always Offers To Spot You, Free-Weights Guy Who Looks And Sounds Like He's Having An Orgasm, Guy Who Hogs Three Machines With As Many Towels, and of course Guy Who Discusses Diet Supplements With Nobody In Particular.

<ni> komet: You are functionally illiterate as regards trashy erotica.
i sort of figured by tps12 (2.00 / 0) #7 Mon Feb 06, 2006 at 03:07:58 AM EST
What I wouldn't give for some truly original gym eccentrics.

[ Parent ]
Do you have the guy that sings? by georgeha (2.00 / 0) #8 Mon Feb 06, 2006 at 04:30:32 AM EST
Once in a while when I work out there's a guy there who likes to sing along to the radio. SHUT UP.

[ Parent ]
maybe i should be that guy by tps12 (2.00 / 0) #10 Mon Feb 06, 2006 at 04:41:46 AM EST
We do have a guy who always balances on medicine balls. That's sort of original.

[ Parent ]
yes by ast16 (2.00 / 0) #15 Mon Feb 06, 2006 at 08:13:58 AM EST

[ Parent ]
You forgot one by mmangino (2.00 / 0) #9 Mon Feb 06, 2006 at 04:39:33 AM EST
How about the one guy who is always either walking around the gym naked, or showering with the curtain open washing his bits and pieces?

[ Parent ]
Hm by komet (2.00 / 0) #12 Mon Feb 06, 2006 at 05:48:20 AM EST
My gym would throw out anyone who walks around the training areas naked. And there are no shower curtains, so the straight guys do that thing where you walk around staring at the ceiling in order to avoid inadvertently looking at someone's cock.

<ni> komet: You are functionally illiterate as regards trashy erotica.
[ Parent ]
not the training area, by mmangino (2.00 / 0) #13 Mon Feb 06, 2006 at 06:22:25 AM EST
but the locker room. I'm glad my gym has shower curtains. I wish more people would use them.

[ Parent ]
man, didn't you learn anything in junior high by tps12 (2.00 / 0) #14 Mon Feb 06, 2006 at 06:29:10 AM EST
Dudes who are squeamish about other dudes' penes are gay and should be dealt with accordingly—wedgied, swirlied, and stuffed in lockers.

[ Parent ]
I'm not squeamish by komet (2.00 / 0) #19 Mon Feb 06, 2006 at 11:31:28 AM EST
I just want to maintain this fantasy I have that my penis is larger than anyone else's.

<ni> komet: You are functionally illiterate as regards trashy erotica.
[ Parent ]
Maybe the skeletal blonde girl by MohammedNiyalSayeed (2.00 / 0) #5 Mon Feb 06, 2006 at 02:48:25 AM EST

is there to tone or build muscles, as opposed to losing weight. And maybe she doesn't know that to do that, she should be lifting weights, rather than using the aerobic exercise machines.

The story about the dude who isn't allowed to dry his balls at home, though, totally breaks my heart. That poor dude.

You can build the most elegant fountain in the world, but eventually a winged rat will be using it as a drinking bowl.
my current gym by MillMan (2.00 / 0) #11 Mon Feb 06, 2006 at 05:16:02 AM EST
is surprisingly free of freaks, helped by the fact that the free weights are located in the basement, whereas the cardio and weight machines are on the second floor. Thus all the meatheads are elsewhere.

My last gym was different - a lot of guys on roids, and a lot of women who spent 6 hours a day doing cardio. There were a few women who were there literally every time I showed up to the place.

Noam Chomsky: Well, forget about the hippies and so on and so forth.

more gym stories by alprazolam (2.00 / 0) #16 Mon Feb 06, 2006 at 08:54:17 AM EST
First of all...blow drying your balls in public is weird.

So anyway, my gym has this little guy who I guess groans or whatever when exerting himself. Only it also sounds very similar to the sound some chicks make when they're getting plowed. Otherwise I'm probably the weirdest one there, what with my protein shake, deep squats, running 5 miles, wearing a headband, and romanian deadlifts.

That's why i bought a bike for home by duxup (4.00 / 1) #17 Mon Feb 06, 2006 at 10:46:13 AM EST
I’m sure I’d get a better workout at the gym but 1. I’m shy.  2. I don’t think I could deal with that stuff.
yeah by tps12 (4.00 / 1) #21 Mon Feb 06, 2006 at 07:20:37 PM EST
It took a certain amount of recognition that the whole deal is ridiculous for me to get beyond the self-consciousness. Sort of like dancing, once you can bridge that and find out that it's actually fun and makes you feel good, it's not really a problem.

[ Parent ]
This story would have been more interesting by calla (2.00 / 0) #18 Mon Feb 06, 2006 at 11:28:55 AM EST
if you had grabbed the wiener.

Gym freaks - isn't everyone freaky that goes to a gym? Isn't that why they go to a gym instead of finding ways to work out at home?

yeah by dev trash (2.00 / 0) #20 Mon Feb 06, 2006 at 01:53:47 PM EST
How bout the Seahawks.

i have to say by tps12 (2.00 / 0) #22 Mon Feb 06, 2006 at 07:24:35 PM EST
I've never followed football and don't consider myself a fan, but I would have really liked to see them win. At least politics has gotten me used to recognizing when my team is screwed over by a corrupt system...I'll be vindicated when Algore returns and leads the Seahawks in the coming revolution.

[ Parent ]
Lex LuthOr by vardaman (2.00 / 0) #23 Tue Feb 07, 2006 at 12:51:50 AM EST

shoot, that's what i'd written at first by tps12 (2.00 / 0) #24 Tue Feb 07, 2006 at 03:36:33 AM EST
And then I was all "wait, Luthoranism?" although I know in my brain that Lex was not [directly] involved in that.

[ Parent ]
According to my fitness teacher by Mrs FlightTest (2.00 / 0) #25 Wed Feb 08, 2006 at 07:15:37 PM EST
you can be skinny as a rail & still be over-fat. Body fat cannot be determined by looking at someone. You can be "over-weight" with a low body fat percentage since muscle weighs more than fat.

My teacher is probably in his late 50's to early 60's and has a hard body, with six pack abs (you can see them thru his shirt). Of course he is the football coach & is a fitness expert of sorts. He works with the American something or other of Sports Medicine.

I just got my personalized workout plan tonight but have no idea which machines go with which exercises, nor how to properly use said machines. I have never set foot inside a gym, this class is the closest I've ever come. We have all the fancy machines complete with instructions in Greek. I feel like such a dork.

The class is neat tho' we are learning about the metabolism, body type, body composition and biomechanics of our bodies & how to tie it all together with proper nutrition & physical activity (he doesn't like to say exercise cause it scares people away!!) to make a permanent lifestyle change for better overall health.

Highly informative, just don't know where I'll get the time to do my workout 3 times a week. I could join a 24 hour gym, but your story kinda scares me. Maybe that's why I've never joined a gym, some how subconsciously I knew about the freaks!

Wheeee...Flyin' is Fun!!

be that as it may by tps12 (2.00 / 0) #26 Thu Feb 09, 2006 at 04:15:42 AM EST
The skellington woman is neither overfat nor overweight. She seriously belongs in a hospital.

Your class sounds cool. You'll get over the dorky feeling, and the freaks are not really so bad...more like amusing and puzzling.

[ Parent ]
Motherfucking Gym | 26 comments (26 topical, 0 hidden)