Print Story What I'd like to see in the next Star Trek franchise...
By NoMoreNicksLeft (Tue Feb 28, 2006 at 04:08:26 PM EST) star trek, scifi, klingons, paramount, svg (all tags)
I gave Enterprise every concievable chance. I waited, watching it until the third season. There are some that say it improved right at the end, but even I couldn't stomach it long enough to watch those episodes. And, is it unfair to say maybe the compliments were only possible in contrast to the steaming pile that was the sum of Enterprise up to that point?

The two people most responsible for flushing Star Trek down the toilet are Rick Berman and Brannon Braga. If they had an ounce of sense...

They could do a break from everything Star Trek has been up to now. Star Trek isn't Babylon 5, and it can't be B5. It can't be Firefly, or any of the other science fiction that we've seen and liked, either. Of course, those two idiots probably can't manage anything other than the turd soup that they keep churning out.

My idea is simple: Fuck the Federation. Its story is old and turgid, it's too eurosocialist for anyone to really care. I like Picard, but can you truly say you weren't hoping that the Cardassians would come along and wipe the whole fucking quadrant out? They could have ended the entire series with Picard in the dungeon, being tortured again by Gul Madred for the rest of his (hopefully) short life (there are 5 lights!).

Anyway, no one would go for something with such a sad ending, even if I would like it personally. Better to come up with a non-shitty story that everyone can like. And what better than the klingons for that?

I don't have a title. But here's the idea. We follow a bird of prey crewed by what is the sorriest lot of warriors in the empire. The show would have its comedic elements, but in a subtle, not-often campy way. It would be entirely in klingon, with english subtitles (except when they are interacting with the Federation).

All the other klingons that they'd interact would be rather blunt in showing their disrespect for them... and everyone else besides. One imagines them encountering the Enterprise, only to have Riker turning to his 1st officer Worf and saying "these are the worst klingons I've ever had the misfortune to cross paths with" (or something to that effect) and Worf responding with a growl "they don't grow them like they used to".

One episode, they might go on the equivalent of a galactic beer run (romulan ale?). Others, they'd be stuck with all the shit jobs that no one else wanted. Their comedic nemesis would naturally be the Ferengis, who would make appearances quite often. What better use of the ill-concieved Ferengi (looking for gold, and laser whips??!?) than that? Of course, the heroes would always be the klingons themselves, even if they only accidentally manage to thwart the Ferengis with their bumbling.

The theme song? Who other than Stovokor, the band featured prominently in the Trekkies documentaries? Finally, we could forget the travesty that was the last frantic caterwauling of a trapped and dying animal.

Alas, we are at the mercy of two ijits who claim to not even understand science fiction, and are proud of that sad fact.

[Offtopic note:] Check out the latest 3d rendering svg stuff. Draggable in all directions, with rotation sort of working!

< Ask HuSi | BBC White season: 'Rivers of Blood' >
What I'd like to see in the next Star Trek franchise... | 19 comments (19 topical, 0 hidden)
WIPO by LodeRunner (2.00 / 0) #1 Tue Feb 28, 2006 at 05:08:56 PM EST
Wrath of Khan/Search for Spock/Voyage Home

These three kinda make a trilogy in my head. Actually because I had them recorded in a 6-hour VHS tape which I watched in countless bored afternoons, many moons ago.

Voting for anything but TOS by DesiredUsername (4.00 / 3) #2 Tue Feb 28, 2006 at 05:11:32 PM EST
is like voting Timothy Dalton as your favorite Bond--it indicates bad taste at best and missing the entire point at worst.

Now accepting suggestions for a new sigline
Oh and by DesiredUsername (2.00 / 0) #3 Tue Feb 28, 2006 at 05:19:31 PM EST
while I dislike the euroweenie NG as much as anyone, I wouldn't watch The Three Klingon Stooges that you describe either. What's wrong with a little brains, a little brawn, a touch of irony and no holodeck?

Now accepting suggestions for a new sigline
[ Parent ]
Because. by NoMoreNicksLeft (2.00 / 0) #4 Tue Feb 28, 2006 at 05:26:48 PM EST
Even if they get it right at this late date, I'm not sure I'd like it anymore. You only get so many tries before you ruin it forever.

Oh, and the comparison to Bond was brilliant.

I think the Klingons show could be good, maybe not TOS good, but Harry Mud good. It could work. Hell, it's better than some of the bullshit shows that somehow stay on for 4 seasons plus.
Do not look directly into laser with remaining good eye.

[ Parent ]
It'd be like Klingon Seinfeld! by lb008d (4.00 / 1) #5 Tue Feb 28, 2006 at 05:40:34 PM EST

what's so great about Kaplach? by martingale (4.00 / 2) #9 Tue Feb 28, 2006 at 10:30:45 PM EST
Let me tell you something, if I had a Kaplach every day, I wouldn't brag about it.

Gunter, glieben, glauchen, globen.
$E(X_t|F_s) = X_s,\quad t > s$

[ Parent ]
WIPO by ucblockhead (2.00 / 0) #6 Tue Feb 28, 2006 at 05:55:36 PM EST
Babylon 5.

Or, barring that, the Star Trek series in my head in the goatee Spock universe.'s dead, Jim. The Star Trek vein is mind out. There are better shows out there.
[ucblockhead is] useless and subhuman

Parallel Universe Star Trek by NoMoreNicksLeft (2.00 / 0) #7 Tue Feb 28, 2006 at 07:50:57 PM EST
Great idea, but a decent title is hard to come by.
Do not look directly into laser with remaining good eye.
[ Parent ]
Trek Star! by joh3n (2.00 / 0) #13 Wed Mar 01, 2006 at 02:48:39 AM EST
now gimme $5


[ Parent ]
Fun 3D thingy. by calla (2.00 / 0) #8 Tue Feb 28, 2006 at 09:02:03 PM EST
It took a little while to warm up. Probably my internet connection.

Yeh. by NoMoreNicksLeft (4.00 / 1) #10 Tue Feb 28, 2006 at 10:31:10 PM EST
I'm having some trouble with it in Opera 9, where it won't drag the first few attempts.

And of course, the rotation is completely borked, looks like I'm scaling it at the same time, though I can't figure that. I hate math. Haven't even tackled scaling yet, though it can't be worse than rotation.

This will become one of the website applets, without much more modification. The "grid" will be some bright color, yellow or maybe neon green, and will sit on top of the photograph. You'll drag position it to indicate relevant surfaces (mostly just the floor, but also tops of furniture/bed, and in some cases surface of water). I'm not 100% certain that it's necessary to collect that data, so it all depends on just how easy it is to use it . If you can manage it in 10-20 seconds, we might just go with it, if it takes 2.5 minutes, screw it we can live without.
Do not look directly into laser with remaining good eye.

[ Parent ]
Filing off serial numbers by Vulch (4.00 / 2) #11 Wed Mar 01, 2006 at 12:37:48 AM EST

can you truly say you weren't hoping that the Cardassians would come along and wipe the whole fucking quadrant out?

You know that was the idea behind what became Andromeda? The DS-9 Dominion war would end badly, a Federation ship would be trapped somehow for a few centuries then try to rebuild the Federation. The Suits said no, so some search and replace was done on the proposal and off we went with the Andromeda Ascendent. Which then turned into Herculeeeeeeees in Spaaaaace.....

The first season was watchable. by NoMoreNicksLeft (2.00 / 0) #12 Wed Mar 01, 2006 at 12:53:36 AM EST
It wasn't BSG, it wasn't B5. But christ, I still liked it better than Enterprise or Firefly.

There were even a few episodes that stood out. The one where Hunt is looking at the the scar on the hand of his dead friend/betrayer, wondering where it came from "I knew him for years, that was never there", or some such. Of course, the last few seasons were horrible.

Earth: Final Conflict was the same way, decent first season, horrible the rest. Oh god, I actually accidentally watched a 5th season episode once... the atavus? Oh well.
Do not look directly into laser with remaining good eye.

[ Parent ]
Lessons all producers should learn by Vulch (4.00 / 1) #17 Wed Mar 01, 2006 at 04:59:00 AM EST
  • Don't be afraid to kill the series dead. (Blake's 7)
  • Have an exit planned for every character. (Babylon 5)
  • Don't give the cast creative control. (Andromeda as a negative example)
  • Know where you're going. (Babylon 5 again)

I've only seen the Firefly pilot so far so I can't judge that, BSG definitely rocks from the first half of the first series, Andromeda has only run the first 3 series on normal TV in the UK and Earth: Final Conflict just the first though both those are rerunning from the top again so may get further this time through.

[ Parent ]
They have five seasons? by debacle (2.00 / 0) #18 Wed Mar 01, 2006 at 01:36:49 PM EST


[ Parent ]
Maybe it was only 4. by NoMoreNicksLeft (2.00 / 0) #19 Wed Mar 01, 2006 at 02:55:28 PM EST
In any event, the last season (god, I hope it was canceled after the one I saw).

Basically, they pooch-fucked the climax of the entire story, the geridian-taelon conflict, and in the last season had no idea what to do about it.

All the taelons are gone, and all of the sudden, thousand of atavus (vampires) wake up, having been hibernating on earth the entire time. If you don't remember, atavus are the precursors to taelons, from when Auger broke the psychic link to Da'on, he reverted (dumb plot, but not even close to how bad the last season was).

So, while with that one episode, taelons are aware of what atavus are, and just don't speak about it, apparently they somehow missed the existence of hundreds of these things sleeping not 500 miles away from their mothership, -despite- all their vast, sensitive paranormal powers.

I mean, goddamn. WTF. True, it was no BSG even at the start, but it wasn't Xena either. It was a story with potential (the irony of beings 1 million years more evolved than us being petty political weasels wasn't lost on me). There's no way to describe just how bad it was at the end, without inventing words.
Do not look directly into laser with remaining good eye.

[ Parent ]
I kinda like by joh3n (4.00 / 1) #14 Wed Mar 01, 2006 at 02:51:58 AM EST
The idea of Star Trek:  Captain's Log  where each episode is self contained (maybe 2 or 3 eps depending on needs), and follows a Captain doin his or her or it's shit.  That way you saw war from the Klingon perspective, assimilation from the Borg's point of view, and the non-stop booty callin that you just know goes on on every Romulan ship.

No wait, here's a better idea:  let it die already.


SNEDI THIS TOWO PARAMMIOUTNT QUIOCK!!!!! by Rogerborg (4.00 / 2) #15 Wed Mar 01, 2006 at 03:04:47 AM EST
Yes, I can't forsee any problems with a Lone Gunmen Batlethists series.

I have to take issue with your claim about Berman/Braga.  They didn't flush 'Trek down the toilet; they used it as a toilet.

I've been re-watching early to mid some Next Gen', and it's pretty crappy, really.  It just recycles most of the same memes as The Documentary Series, only with 75% added smugness.  But at least it was the original re-heating, and it did introduce some memorable and respectful storylines of its own eventually.  DS9 tried something different - "Come ahead then, you soft Klingon faggits" - before going a bit arcish, but Voyager and Enterprise (what I could stand to watch of them) were just recyclings of Next Gen', with the smugness off the scale.  Voyager I could take that from, as it was a progression, but Enterprise... what a fucking waste of an opportunity to make a raw and retro non-PC (for the 21st century) 'Trek again.

Berman and Braga dug up Roddenberry's corpe and used it as their fuck-puppet, and for that they deserve to be made forcibly to watch Cleopatra 2525 on continual loop for the rest of their lives.

Metus amatores matrum compescit, non clementia.

Minor niggle... by atreides (4.00 / 1) #16 Wed Mar 01, 2006 at 03:39:03 AM EST
Cleopatra 2525 has hot chicks. You should make them watch surreal Ingmar Bergman flicks for eternity.

Have you seen The Passion yet? Here's a spoiler for you: Jesus dies.
"...compassion is more than a 16 point word in scrabble." - MostlyHarmless

[ Parent ]
What I'd like to see in the next Star Trek franchise... | 19 comments (19 topical, 0 hidden)