I had my monthly review today. Well, I say monthly but my last monthly was in April. I guess if they weren't sending my manager or me out of town so much it would've been sooner, but I'm nonplussed about it really.

The same questions come up with the same reactions every time it seems.

"So, how do you feel things have been going with the team?" (I work on a small team of 5 guys who support a ridiculous variety of applications/servers over a massive network. ( >5,000 servers though we do not have an official count.))

"Well, as I mentioned back in April, I feel we're a team of 3 with 2 others that may sometimes join in to share workloads." Liar "Since your pressure in the last few months on one individual in particular, it has gotten a little better, but it is still unreliable." Faker

No, the real answer to this is that the person in question only snags the bits when he's talked to and then lapses back into his dramaqueen coma. "My dad is sick." "My doctor told me to get off my diet or I would have a heart attack." "I am pissed because I can't take a vacation and go scuba diving." All constant tirades for hours to various coworkers instead of doing his fucking job. I can't rat out this bastard because it is not my place to do so (stupid leftover Catholic school training). I can only suggest and prod.

"So what motivates you?"

"Knowledge and Compensation."Liar

No, what motivates me are games, liquor, and booty. Would I like to be making more money? Sure, if only to crawl from my hideyhole faster really, but I'm not out to be a rich man (Dubba dubba dubba dum). Do I enjoy learning? Absolutely, but I long ago gave up the self-delusion that I was one of those education for education sake sort of people. I love learning what I love learning. I'm picky. I can't just pick up whatever they want and love to do it, I *WILL* do it if it's my job, but I won't profess to love it. There's a huge difference. Does this mean I'm immature with self-centered priorities and I am unwilling to change? Probably.

"Where do you see yourself in 2-5 years? I know last time we talked you weren't sure if you wanted to do this anymore?"

"Oh, last time we talked the entire workload was shouldered on me because we had two people out and the other 2 were the ones who aren't team players. I don't think I said I wasn't sure I wanted to do this, and if it came off that way I apologise, but I think what I was implying that I didn't want to do this if the situation stayed the same. Luckily it has been a bit better as of late." Faker.

No, the last time we talked that's pretty much what I said, and I didn't say it just because I was shouldering the team, but because I'm never sure what I'm going to do in 2-5 years. In 2-5 years I see myself in a ditch covered in gasoline on fire. I've seen myself that way since I was 16 and am continually surprised when it doesn't happen. Does this mean I am immature, self-centered, and unwilling to change? Probably.

"Do you have any concerns you wish to share?"

"Not particularly. I think we're in a transitionary phase and most of my concerns will iron themselves out in time." Liar.

I have lots of concerns, I just don't think what goes on here has much to do with me, and thus do not care. I'm concerned that I'm a corporate whore. I'm concerned that my job is to help people continue making money off of money that other people can't pay. I'm concerned that I am unwilling to change. I'm concerned that if my car breaks down I won't be able to afford a new one to make the long drive to work because I can't afford to live in the upper-middle white flight area where my office is located some 40 minutes away. I'm concerned that one day I'll drink antifreeze on a whim while drunk. I'm concerned that some days I feel completely numb and I blame not just the office, but myself as well for being stuck in a rut. I am concerned that I don't find things as funny as I once did. I am concerned that my entire career has been based off of luck and an innate ability to make an encyclopedia of random nodes in my head which I have used to get by for years while at the same time my mind/body degrades as I hit 30 soon. I am concerned that the sun will implode forming a black hole and suckling all of us into it's nethering teat. I'm concerned that it won't. I'm concerned that I actually list this as a concern. So what?

"Well, what I'd like to see you do is get your hands in more stuff. You're definitely a performer on the team, but you need to be more like <goldenboy>."

"Well, certainly, but did you know I was doing <ridiculous list of projects and support>?"

"No, and that's the problem. I need you to communicate those things otherwise I will not know."

Okay, fair enough, but tooting my own horn like the perceived goldenboy (who really only is viewed as such because he works closely with our upper developers and then takes credit for their fixes instead of actually doing what our job is supposed to be)seems a little icky to me. Call me an idealist if you will (heh), but I believe in doing your job and doing it well, and not feeling like you deserve anything other than what you get. I don't ask for things, I never have. It's not something I do. I don't like gratuitous praise, and so I do not seek it. If I feel like I'm really not getting enough compensation (and my feelings on this are very loose compared to my compatriots who bitch even though they make more than me after being here for so many years), I find something else. It's on me at that point. Is it the workplace environments fault? (Stupid catholic school leftovers) No, it's my own issue, but it doesn't mean I have to like the way "things are". I just deal with it; but at the same time I do not need to be told to model myself after some false idol. No one needs that shit.

In conclusion, I could just be honest, but at the same time, no one really wants complete honesty. Secondly, who would really care? What would it really change? No, I'm just floating through here until I switch nodes. It just gets old after a while. Maybe I should go run and join a Buddhist monastery.. or the peace corps. But for that you have to believe in Things. I don't think they have Existentialist monasteries. Hell... that sounds pretty good.. maybe I should start one.

Pheewww.. I feel better... thanks. Sorry about all that. I know I sound like I should be 15 and putting up Bad Religion posters in my room and all "You can't tell me when to go to bed Dad!" (Maybe while banging my head and reading Johnny the Homicidal Maniac or something because I'm so tortured), but you know.. there comes a time.

I promise the next one will be fiction or, at least, interesting... (or at the very least not make me sound like a whiny, jittery douchebag.. it's just this week really. It's been like that.)

-Q