5:45 am and the phone rings.  my eyes adjust enough to see $stbx on the display.  i pause for a second and realize that her parents are both having health issues.  that combined with the hour leads me to believe that someone is dead.  i answer.  there is sobbing.  no one is dead.  she doesn't want things to end.

i allow my mind to come into focus and quickly assess the situation.  this relationship is so far dead and buried that i can't imagine she's being serious.  it starts to feel like she's twisting the knife.  after a few minutes, i slowly bring the conversation to a close.  she hangs up and i roll over.

it's cold.  the sun is still beneath the horizon.  i have a doctor's appointment, so i don't have any motivation to be out of bed before 8.  i left the fan on and with only a sheet i am beginning to feel uncomfortable, but not enough to reach for a blanket.  i roll onto my back and stare at the ceiling in the dark.

i thank whatever powers there might be that i am sleeping again.  and my thoughts start to drift.  first to the painful and then, slowly, to the far brighter future.

it's difficult to admit that you've been in an abusive relationship.  even more so when one is male.  a rather large male at that.  it takes time to come to the conclusion that you've been manipulated.  that you've been treated more like a servant than a partner.  and it hurts to figure out that only at the end of things are you appreciated.  that it took your absence to drive home the fact that you were the one who made things work.  that burns like hell.

but i know what soothes that pain.  i have traveled deep inside of myself and found that there is a place in me that is solid.  my core is in tact.  i was damaged, but i have yet the strength and desire to heal.  i have forgiven myself for everything that i've done.  all of the time i've wasted.  all of the pain that i have brought upon myself.  i know in my heart that i'm the good guy.  i know that i've done all that i could do.  i'm human.  i've erred.  but i'm not evil.

i roll to my side and thoughts come to me in simple images.  i see what makes me smile.  i see her face.  lollipopgirl is not complicated.  she's human to a fault.  i've spent hours talking with her.  she's easy to read.  she's smart and funny.  and beautiful.  a rare and simple beauty.  a bright smile and deep eyes.  quick to laugh.  and such a gentle heart.

maybe that's more than i should say.  i don't know anymore.  i do know that i'm not going to navigate the world based on the standards set by others.  that's fucked up and got me where i am today.  i went searching for absolution and wound up on the receiving end of a karmic smack-down.  no.  i'll do things my way this time.  i will trust and follow my gut.  and right now, it's telling me that i know where i need to be.

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