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By ReallyEvilCanine (Mon Jul 28, 2008 at 03:05:08 AM EST) A Day in the Life, WTF, load balancing, Citrix, fuckwits, pie (all tags)
Density

The day the we figure out how to run cars on stupidity is the day the derricks go up in Paris. I simply can't comprehend how so much dumb can be crammed into one head.

If you're unable to do telephone banking because there's no fucking dial tone, the French thing to do would be to blame the bank. It must be the bank's fault and couldn't possibly have anything to do with the months of unpaid phone bills.

Poll: capital punishment
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By ReallyEvilCanine (Thu Jul 10, 2008 at 05:22:49 AM EST) A Day in the Life, WTF, Mini-Me, The System, training, fuckwits, pie (all tags)

I have three days to catch up on all my tickets which no one looked at during my entire week of training. Customers are pissed. I've been officially pulled out of The System. Nevertheless, there's a Ticket Assignment Notification which just showed up in my mailbox. The System knows best.

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By ReallyEvilCanine (Mon Jul 07, 2008 at 04:08:38 AM EST) A Day in the Life, SQL, DBA, training, Oracle, shit coffay, WTF, pie (all tags)
Training III: An Open Letter to Oracle

Dear Oracle,

Classroom training's cool. The free lunch isn't too bad either (for fans of MSG anyway). A week away from my normal hell is also pretty fucking sweet. So please don't take this the wrong way...

Squishy German candy poll!
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By ReallyEvilCanine (Fri Jul 04, 2008 at 01:45:32 AM EST) A Day in the Life, WTF, Nazi jokes, databases, training, pie (all tags)
Training II: LOL Nazis

So I'm sitting through another day of Stuff I Already Know and the teacher, a nice enough Genoan guy who mangles both German and English without prejudice is going over the new syntax and abilities in 11g. We're dropping tables but wait! There's a foreign key! What to do?

My response didn't go over so well.

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By ReallyEvilCanine (Thu Jul 03, 2008 at 09:47:48 AM EST) A Day in the Life, WTF, training, Oracle, databases, Citrix, fuckwits, pie (all tags)
I CAN HAZ TRANEING

"Dog, your training has been approved."
"Citrix? Finally??"
"No, Oracle. DBA path.
"Umm... "

Poll: Preferred database
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Dear Japan,

Your clocks are running seven hours too fast. PLZFIXKTHXBYE!

I like my Japanese cow-orkers. I really do. Of course, I've never had any "face-time" with them which might explain this lack of animosity. But when I need to work with them I either have to be up at 3am (and sober enough to function) or I might as well send snail mail. One round-trip communication takes three days.

Poll: LOL creashunistas
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Cow-Orkers XVII: Dr. Seuss

People often ask me, "REC? Why do you drink so much? Are you trying to become an alcoholic?"

Become? Hah! Walk a mile in my moccasins, muthafuckers. Or just sit in this room and listen.

I aten't dead yet!
Drinking poll included
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By ReallyEvilCanine (Wed Jun 11, 2008 at 04:14:00 AM EST) A Day in the Life, bureaucracy, parthenogenesis, fuckwit, pie (all tags)
We Don't Say 'No'

That didn't go over so well.

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By ReallyEvilCanine (Mon May 26, 2008 at 05:18:51 AM EST) A Day in the Life, management, ISO9000, priorities, fucktards, pie (all tags)
Closing Time

Goddamn I hate when the phone ring. It was Meathead, my new manager after his recent promotion and the latest management shuffle. Having himself spent so much time kill floor he's much more tolerable and understanding of our problems than any of my previous headaches.

"Hey, Dog. I need to see you in my office." Fuck. What did I do now?
"Gimme five to write up this ticket solution and I'll be there."

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Make Room! Make Room!

In comparison with the cost of our software licensing and support contracts, the cost of a the hardware is negligible, even with the most expensive OS running on it. In fact we could probably give away racks of 2U dual-Xeons with 16GB RAM and dual 300GB hot-swappable SCSI drives in order to push our applications. We could even throw in copies of Windows Enterprise Datacenter edition for those companies too cheap to outsource their operations where competent UNIX/Linux admins can be found.

Over the expected life of the hardware, the cost of the equipment is statistically 0 at a confidence level over 95% as compared to the costs of the software and people to make it work. Few idiots realise this -- not even our own. So perhaps I shouldn't have been as surprised to receive the following question:

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