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Fear
By atreides (Tue Jul 09, 2019 at 01:37:25 AM EST) (all tags)
I have been judged and found wanting.


So, a few months ago, I got laid off from my job. Real bloodbath. Out of nine coworkers in the department, only two remained. I saw it coming, last hired first fired and all that, but nobody saw the others coming. Nobody. Now I'm temping and I'm not really digging it. It's been almost 7 years since I've had a full time job where I actually worked directly for my employer. But why would anybody want to hire me? I can't do anything that a million other people can't do. I'm not special.

I think I've given up on dating. I am a giant walking red flag: I'm bitter, depressed, angry, and have nothing to offer, either emotionally or materially (and let us not be naive, things and stuff matter). And this doesn't even consider the fact that I've been hung up on someone for about 4 years now and I can't get past her despite girlfriends, lovers, and just straight one night stands. When my car went into a spin outside Cameron, Texas and I didn't know if I would live or die, her name was the last word on my lips. Even if she would have me right now (she broke things off because she didn't think I was stable enough and boy did she predict that one on the nose), I don't think I would inflict me on her right now. You hear about people feeling heartache, but for a couple of years I literally felt physical pain in my chest when it came to her. And girlfriends, lovers, and one night stands have done nothing to assuage my yearning. But I don't even have much of those as an anodyne these days. Why would anybody want to date me? And why would I do that to somebody?

I bought a car from a friend of a friend. They moved to England and sold me their older car for cheap. And two weeks later (two weeks ago our time, an old lady hit my car. I'm fine and it's still drivable, but she lied about what happened, claiming she and I were in lanes we weren't in, and as a result, her insurance isn't paying for the repairs. All because I didn't take photos immediately. I'll never make that mistake again, and I really don't need this right now.

I'm broken. I mean I'm really, truly broken. I'm tired and I hurt all the time and I'm just dancing while Paris burns. I don't feel joy, I've pretty much quit laughing, and I just want to not feel this way anymore, like I have been judged and found wanting. I want to matter again. I want to care. I want to feel wanted. But, as my last girlfriend said when I wanted to keep trying, you can't always get what you want.

But I can't just lay down and die because I won't let the pigfuckers win.

That is all.

< Been even longer....
Tekel | 7 comments (7 topical, 0 hidden)
I can't just lay down and die because... by anonimouse (4.00 / 1) #1 Tue Jul 09, 2019 at 10:49:55 AM EST
should be everyone's motto. 

Girls come and go but a mortgage is for 25 years -- JtL
My friend. by clock (2.00 / 0) #2 Tue Jul 09, 2019 at 03:21:47 PM EST
I'm really sorry to hear you this down. I do hope it turns around for you and soon.

FWIW, I'm loving your blog.

And no, they won't win. They can't.


I agree with clock entirely --Kellnerin

I think I know the feeling by R343L (2.00 / 0) #3 Wed Jul 10, 2019 at 12:05:31 AM EST
Or at least part of it at times. But I won’t throw some sappy words at you about your feelings. I’ll talk about mine.

I am quite frequently depressed or freaked out or both the last while. The world has a lot going wrong and the future often seems bleak — both for me personally and many others in a wider sense.

But then (similar to your conclusion maybe), I remind myself what else is there but to hope and strive for something better? The alternatives are suicide or nihilistic excess. While the former appeals in dark moments, the latter is not me. So I yank myself into another day and somehow make it through.

I’m glad you’re still not letting them win.


"There will be time, there will be time / To prepare a face to meet the faces that you meet." -- Eliot

Love your work, thanks for doing it by marvin (2.00 / 0) #7 Thu Jul 11, 2019 at 09:06:38 PM EST
You not only tweet and blog interesting things, but you're super-active - lobbying elected officials, organizing others in your community, getting involved in elections.

Another 10 million like you in North America, and I'd feel better about my kids future.

[ Parent ]
Nil illegitimo carborundum by Merekat (2.00 / 0) #4 Wed Jul 10, 2019 at 05:59:49 AM EST
Indeed words to live by.

It could be worse by Orion Blastar (2.00 / 0) #5 Wed Jul 10, 2019 at 10:53:15 PM EST
you could be like me with a mystery illness that causes type 2 diabetes and other things. Schizoaffective disorder and as soon as I developed it lost my $50K job. Became a troll as a result taking it out on other people. I ended up on disability and any job I applied for I was overqualified because of my age and experience.

Nope can't find anyone qualified, but I am but too much. They want college kids to work them hard and pay them less, H1B Visa workers as well as offshore the IT work.

I had a lump in my chest, breast cancer and I am male. I've been in a wheelchair when my knee blew out when I was in a car accident.

I can't even post a diary here, for past posts I made.

I've come close to suicide, but last time I took all my sleeping pills diarrhea pushed them out of my system.

Nobody seems to care. But I feel you in that area.


"I drank what?" - Socrates after drinking the Conium
I have been judged and found wanting. by Herring (4.00 / 1) #6 Thu Jul 11, 2019 at 05:32:06 PM EST
Mostly by yourself.

I realise that this isn't that helpful

You can't inspire people with facts
- Small Gods

Tekel | 7 comments (7 topical, 0 hidden)