I think I've given up on dating. I am a giant walking red flag: I'm bitter, depressed, angry, and have nothing to offer, either emotionally or materially (and let us not be naive, things and stuff matter). And this doesn't even consider the fact that I've been hung up on someone for about 4 years now and I can't get past her despite girlfriends, lovers, and just straight one night stands. When my car went into a spin outside Cameron, Texas and I didn't know if I would live or die, her name was the last word on my lips. Even if she would have me right now (she broke things off because she didn't think I was stable enough and boy did she predict that one on the nose), I don't think I would inflict me on her right now. You hear about people feeling heartache, but for a couple of years I literally felt physical pain in my chest when it came to her. And girlfriends, lovers, and one night stands have done nothing to assuage my yearning. But I don't even have much of those as an anodyne these days. Why would anybody want to date me? And why would I do that to somebody?
I bought a car from a friend of a friend. They moved to England and sold me their older car for cheap. And two weeks later (two weeks ago our time, an old lady hit my car. I'm fine and it's still drivable, but she lied about what happened, claiming she and I were in lanes we weren't in, and as a result, her insurance isn't paying for the repairs. All because I didn't take photos immediately. I'll never make that mistake again, and I really don't need this right now.
I'm broken. I mean I'm really, truly broken. I'm tired and I hurt all the time and I'm just dancing while Paris burns. I don't feel joy, I've pretty much quit laughing, and I just want to not feel this way anymore, like I have been judged and found wanting. I want to matter again. I want to care. I want to feel wanted. But, as my last girlfriend said when I wanted to keep trying, you can't always get what you want.
But I can't just lay down and die because I won't let the pigfuckers win.
That is all.
|< Been even longer....|