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Cheese
By jimgon (Sat Apr 06, 2019 at 10:23:33 PM EST) (all tags)
 Hey folks. 


 Someone I know committed suicide over the last week.  This is my second pass in life on knowing someone who took their own life.  My first was my brother and now it's a casual friend and member of the Loyal Order of Buffaloes.  This one was just a couple months younger than me and we shared a lot of the same interests. Attended the same college with the same major at the same time (I don't remember him from college).  A nice enough guy, but even more anti-authority than me. Left a wife and a young son. His previous marriage produced another son who is an adult. His passing leaves ripples and in my position within the Loyal Order of Buffaloes I have to be conscious of the ripples. I've already arranged for some group counseling for his closest friends. I'm very concerned for his friends in his lodge.  Everyone thinks they should have seen signs and that if they had been more conscious they would have been able to prevent what happened.  I've gone through it and the signs were strong with my brother.  I have a lot more that I need to think through here.  Just needed to put some of it out there. 

Work is work.  I've written enough about work and my relation to it that you all know what I'm like.  

What I need.  

I need people and time to sit down and have deep real discussions.  Discussions on life, philosophy, the future, music, and books.  Deep friendship.  I have friends, but I'm becoming more guarded and distrustful.  If you've known me in person (and few of you have) you know I am a very controlled and deliberate person.  Massive control.  Currently I've increased that.  Work is not a place of loose lips.  And the Loyal Order of Buffaloes requires a certain persona.  I need an outlet.  Someplace to actually be who I am.  HuSi mostly met that need.  I'm more me here than anywhere.  And maybe that's it.  Maybe it's time to start diarizing more.  At the very least with the events of the last week I can't keep going the way I am.  

i have nothing more for now.  
< Philosophical question | So, that just happened.... >
Week End Update | 7 comments (7 topical, 0 hidden)
So sorry... by ana (4.00 / 2) #1 Sun Apr 07, 2019 at 05:47:22 AM EST
So sorry to hear about your friend. And yeah, good on you for recognizing the ripples and helping with that. 

Or get rabies. Also don't do that. --scrymarch

I don't know that pain by dark nowhere (4.00 / 1) #2 Sun Apr 07, 2019 at 11:34:10 AM EST
but I've known people who do. I'm sorry to hear that you're among them.

See you, space cowboy.

Suicides are never the same. by technician (4.00 / 3) #3 Mon Apr 08, 2019 at 01:29:44 PM EST
The end result, the general description of the thing, that's the same I guess.

But the events leading to it, the things that make it a thing, those are always gigantically different.

I refer to my friend Gordon's suicide the same way I refer to a friend's cancer: it's a thing that grew in him and eventually killed him, and there's not anything I could have done to prevent it. I could have done some things to divert it, maybe, but it was not him what killed himself, and it was not me that assisted. It was this other thing, and this other thing was unstoppable.

So here we are then, victims of someone else's crime, some Thing that could not be helped.

I'm sorry for your loss, and for his other friends and family. It's never easy.

The helplessness by jimgon (4.00 / 2) #5 Wed Apr 10, 2019 at 08:28:49 AM EST
i learned how to get over the self doubt that followed, but I’m sure you know that somewhere in the back of your mind the what-if still exists. Occasionally I dream my brother is still alive and it was all a mistake. Somewhere it never quite leaves you free. I worry for anyone who has to deal with that the first time. The sense of helplessness and what-if can drive people mad. 




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Technician - "We can't even get decent physical health care. Mental health is like witchcraft here."
[ Parent ]
I'm sorry to hear it, my friend by clock (4.00 / 1) #4 Tue Apr 09, 2019 at 07:53:52 AM EST
And I think we all need a little bit of that. I've done some digging and found a few people in meatspace who fit the bill. It only really takes one or two. In this case, there are six of us who prop each other up in different ways at different times. Sort of a bond built out of necessity for very different reasons.

Anyway, read that book I linked to elsewhere. And we should plan a meet-up or something. We're busy as all hell for large chunks of the summer, but a quick run out of town or a guest would always be welcome.


I agree with clock entirely --Kellnerin

It is time to plan something by jimgon (4.00 / 1) #6 Wed Apr 10, 2019 at 08:31:43 AM EST
This summer.

And I will order that book this evening. 




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Technician - "We can't even get decent physical health care. Mental health is like witchcraft here."
[ Parent ]
I have a thought. by jimgon (2.00 / 0) #7 Sun Apr 14, 2019 at 10:55:00 PM EST
And naturally it’s fueled by alcohol. 




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Technician - "We can't even get decent physical health care. Mental health is like witchcraft here."
[ Parent ]
Week End Update | 7 comments (7 topical, 0 hidden)