Print Story Maybe someday I can be that guy I always wanted to be.
By ObviousTroll (Wed Apr 04, 2018 at 09:19:31 PM EST) (all tags)
What do we want? SERENITY! When do we want it? NOW!

What do I want out of life? What do I want out of losing 65 pounds in the past year? Usually I think I want to "find my balance" by which I mean to lose my anger, the force that's driven me for so long. I know I don't want a number. Being a "healthy weight" doesn't make me happy. You know what makes me happy?
Being in control, being capable, being confident and competent - those things make me happy.
Not lashing out or being intimidating, not being fearful and defensive, and not using my anger to hide the fact that I'm fearful and defensive. But, rather, feeling sure of myself, sure of what I'm doing and who I am... and... maybe being just angry energized enough that I'm projecting that "larger than large" version of me out onto the world because projecting confidence means I'm feeling confident, too.
I was reminded of that this afternoon when, running 2 hours late for my work out and dealing with demands from multiple groups of people for me to help solve their problems (okay, I admit, it's part of my job, but still...) I finally passed the buck on a problem to the other Michael grabbed my gym bag and headed to the other end of the complex. I started the music in my headphones, picked heavy metal (which most of the time I don't like) and shortly realized I was "doing it" - I was doing the I-occupy-a-lot-of-space-and-you-don't-want-to-mess-with-me walk I referred to yesterday.

Maybe it was because I was writing about those days recently. I don't know. All I know was that, unexpectedly, it was there... and it felt good.
So I went with it. I let the feeling of "this is my world, I just let you live in it" flow through me as I walked with that fast, rolling gait that tells people not to interfere. I got changed, climbed onto one of the ellipticals and I dropped the hammer. 30 minutes later I had done about 10% better than I'd ever done before.
The feeling didn't last, of course. I had to go back to the problems and the needs and the cravings and the feeling tired and uncertain.
Still, it was nice to get a visit from that version of me, if only for an hour or so - to feel like I perfectly fit into my skin and that there was nothing anyone could say or do that could affect me.
So, what do I want from life? I guess, I want the things I've always wanted - to find a place where I feel secure and whole instead of scrambling to hold everything together, where I'm moving steadily and confidently and not trying to cover up my own weaknesses and failures while trying to cobble together half-solutions to other people's problems.
I know I'll never find such a place in the real world -  but there's a rumor that if I keep working at it, I can get a lot closer.
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Maybe someday I can be that guy I always wanted to be. | 4 comments (4 topical, 0 hidden)
I WANT TO BE! BE A DEBASER! by gzt (2.00 / 0) #1 Thu Apr 05, 2018 at 01:18:44 AM EST

You're going to have to explain. by ObviousTroll (2.00 / 0) #2 Thu Apr 05, 2018 at 07:54:22 AM EST
How does how I feel about myself debase you? 

An Angry and Flatulent Pig, Trying to Tie Balloon Animals
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It's a Pixies song by gzt (4.00 / 1) #3 Mon Apr 23, 2018 at 04:37:45 PM EST
That was semi-topical, but, yeah, totally understandable that it was a miss.

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Fair enough. by ObviousTroll (4.00 / 1) #4 Thu Apr 26, 2018 at 10:03:22 PM EST
I really am somewhere on "the spectrum" so I honestly can't tell when I'm being endearingly vulnerable, tediously over-informative, or being an obnoxious prat.  When I wrote the previous essay and this one I was happy that I was feeling confident about myself but when no one commented on either I was afraid I'd fallen back into my hereditary paleo-conservativism again. ;-)

An Angry and Flatulent Pig, Trying to Tie Balloon Animals
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Maybe someday I can be that guy I always wanted to be. | 4 comments (4 topical, 0 hidden)