His breathing stopped. He died.
My own brother. My only blood. The guy who helped raise me.
There is no universe in which this makes any sense. There is no world in which this is OK.
He leaves behind a wife of two decades plus, and two sons. One is getting married in October.
He's 46. Was 46.
He'd spent the last five years losing more than 150 pounds. Yet his heart, despite the hundreds of miles on bike and foot, his heart.....
WHAT THE FUCK SORT OF GODDAMN WORLD.
This hurts. Oh my god, this hurts more than I could ever have imagined a thing hurting.
My parents are shattered. my grandfather, hopefully doesn't know. My brother's wife and children are shattered.
Goddamn it. I need to scream about this and have someone else hear it. I apologize if you have made it this far; this will not be easy. It is not easy. The word easy has ceased to exist.
Fuck WH Auden. Fuck this goddamn stupid capricious fucking world. GODDAMN IT.
He's my only brother, my longtime hero, I love him. He has this amazing wife, two great kids, and an amazing family in California. Yeah, I regret not spending more time with him, and yeah, I get regret ain't good, but this is wide open now, filled with screaming sorrow.
Talking to my dad and my mom....my dad called my mom to tell her, felt he should, that it was right. Called me to tell me. My dad, stronger than he should be, broken.
Sorry to foist this on you after months of silence. This new life I've been starting will have to pause for a while, or possibly cease; I have no leave at the new job, a job I can't even talk about.
Those distractions. Jobs, cash.
Let me tell you this: my brother, who you never met, was one of those people who you read about. He was loving, kind, generous, and made you feel as though you were the only person in the universe when he spoke to you. He laughed a lot. His life had turned around, health-wise. He was going to be fine. We had stopped worrying about him years ago.
His heart. Of all the things to kill him.
Goddamn it. I am not built to be an only child. My poor parents, my poor sister in law, my poor nephews, holy fuck. They have no cash, they're barely existing.
We know this life is not fair. It was never intended to be. Yet the best of us should be allowed to live, and be, and eventually in their very old age allowed to pass quietly.
Goddamn it. Goddamn it to hell.
I am broken. Half of me is gone. My blood thinned.
This world died today. I would gladly trade my life for his. Joyously trade this life for another few years of him.
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