Print Story There is no way for me to properly understand this.
Diary
By technician (Sun Sep 13, 2015 at 01:48:03 AM EST) (all tags)
My brother died this morning.


His brother-in-law was set to be married today. He and my brother were in a hotel room, getting ready for the ceremony, and my brother collapsed.

His breathing stopped. He died.

My own brother. My only blood. The guy who helped raise me.

There is no universe in which this makes any sense. There is no world in which this is OK.

He leaves behind a wife of two decades plus, and two sons. One is getting married in October.

He's 46. Was 46.

He'd spent the last five years losing more than 150 pounds. Yet his heart, despite the hundreds of miles on bike and foot, his heart.....

Goddamn it.

GODDAMN IT.

WHAT THE FUCK SORT OF GODDAMN WORLD.

This hurts. Oh my god, this hurts more than I could ever have imagined a thing hurting.

This hurts.

My parents are shattered. my grandfather, hopefully doesn't know. My brother's wife and children are shattered.

Goddamn it. I need to scream about this and have someone else hear it. I apologize if you have made it this far; this will not be easy. It is not easy. The word easy has ceased to exist.

Fuck WH Auden. Fuck this goddamn stupid capricious fucking world. GODDAMN IT.

He's my only brother, my longtime hero, I love him. He has this amazing wife, two great kids, and an amazing family in California. Yeah, I regret not spending more time with him, and yeah, I get regret ain't good, but this is wide open now, filled with screaming sorrow.

Talking to my dad and my mom....my dad called my mom to tell her, felt he should, that it was right. Called me to tell me. My dad, stronger than he should be, broken.

Goddamn it.

Sorry to foist this on you after months of silence. This new life I've been starting will have to pause for a while, or possibly cease; I have no leave at the new job, a job I can't even talk about.

Those distractions. Jobs, cash.

Let me tell you this: my brother, who you never met, was one of those people who you read about. He was loving, kind, generous, and made you feel as though you were the only person in the universe when he spoke to you. He laughed a lot. His life had turned around, health-wise. He was going to be fine. We had stopped worrying about him years ago.

His heart. Of all the things to kill him.

Goddamn it. I am not built to be an only child. My poor parents, my poor sister in law, my poor nephews, holy fuck. They have no cash, they're barely existing.

We know this life is not fair. It was never intended to be. Yet the best of us should be allowed to live, and be, and eventually in their very old age allowed to pass quietly.

Goddamn it. Goddamn it to hell.

I am broken. Half of me is gone. My blood thinned.

This world died today. I would gladly trade my life for his. Joyously trade this life for another few years of him.

Goddamn it.

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There is no way for me to properly understand this. | 29 comments (29 topical, 0 hidden) | Trackback
I have no words by hulver (4.00 / 2) #1 Sun Sep 13, 2015 at 02:14:33 AM EST
I'm so sorry.
--
Cheese is not a hat. - clock
Thanks. by technician (2.00 / 0) #2 Sun Sep 13, 2015 at 02:27:51 AM EST
I'm really fucked up. This doesn't make sense, and I keep seeking outlets. I keep thinking it's a terrible prank or a terrible dream.

Goddamn,

[ Parent ]
I've had that feeling, it's awful. by dark nowhere (4.00 / 1) #3 Sun Sep 13, 2015 at 03:05:00 AM EST
Like hulver says, there are no words for this. Sorry to hear it.

Chill out, snowflake.

[ Parent ]
I'm so sorry. by Dr Thrustgood (4.00 / 5) #25 Tue Sep 15, 2015 at 03:39:53 AM EST
Sudden and completely unexpected death is just the worst.

The important thing to remember is that everything you're doing and feeling right now is normal and OK. Just to emphasise: you're more than allowed to be feeling and acting the way you are.

If you ever want to reach out to another internet stranger even just to say "I'm upset and I don't like this," please do drop me a line. Also don't feel like you have to politely decline or even reply to this comment.

Once again, I'm so sorry that you're going through this.



[ Parent ]
Wow. :-( by ana (4.00 / 2) #4 Sun Sep 13, 2015 at 06:25:47 AM EST
That's horrible.

The military understands emergency leave; perhaps that'll filter through to the contractors. Dunno. 

Thinking of you and your family 

I get stranger things than you free with my breakfast cereal. --ni

That's. Man. Just. by wiredog (4.00 / 1) #5 Sun Sep 13, 2015 at 08:42:07 AM EST
We're here if you need to vent. Always.

Had a friend drop dead like that several years ago. We're all still like "wtf?"

Earth First!
(We can strip mine the rest later.)

Shit. by miserere (4.00 / 1) #6 Sun Sep 13, 2015 at 08:50:17 AM EST
I have no words. I'm so sorry for your loss. It's so goddamned unfair. You and your family, and his family, are in my thoughts. Peace be with you all.

Wow by jimgon (4.00 / 1) #7 Sun Sep 13, 2015 at 09:43:27 AM EST
I'm so sorry to see this. I'm sorry you have to go through this. It's not easy. You have my heart felt sympathies. You know how to get in touch with me if you need to talk.




---------------
Technician - "We can't even get decent physical health care. Mental health is like witchcraft here."
This is horrible by clock (4.00 / 2) #8 Sun Sep 13, 2015 at 09:49:37 AM EST
There are no words to express the depth of the sorrow. No words. I'm so sorry. Call me any time of day or night. You have to be... Not ok but ok. Scream and cry at me whenever you need to. You are loved and we are with you.


I agree with clock entirely --Kellnerin

So sorry by marvin (4.00 / 1) #9 Sun Sep 13, 2015 at 09:50:39 AM EST
He always seemed an anchor for you in your writing. Wishing you and your family strength.

oh, technician by StackyMcRacky (4.00 / 1) #10 Sun Sep 13, 2015 at 09:57:56 AM EST


:( by kwsNI (4.00 / 1) #11 Sun Sep 13, 2015 at 11:00:38 AM EST
Dammit, I've got no words.

Like everyone else by Phil the Canuck (4.00 / 1) #12 Sun Sep 13, 2015 at 11:39:23 AM EST
I have no words.  

This is awful by iGrrrl (4.00 / 1) #13 Sun Sep 13, 2015 at 12:54:01 PM EST
This is beyond understanding, and so, so unfair. I'm sorry, technician.

"Beautiful wine, talking of scattered everythings"
(and thanks to Scrymarch)

So sorry to hear that by TheophileEscargot (4.00 / 1) #14 Sun Sep 13, 2015 at 01:54:03 PM EST
It's so hard to cope when it's so sudden. Just let the feelings come.
--
It is unlikely that the good of a snail should reside in its shell: so is it likely that the good of a man should?
oh man by motty (4.00 / 1) #15 Sun Sep 13, 2015 at 02:30:59 PM EST
My deepest condolences to you and family.

I amd itn ecaptiaghle of drinking sthis d dar - Dr T
This comment is by Kellnerin (4.00 / 1) #16 Sun Sep 13, 2015 at 03:52:48 PM EST
the sound of me hearing you scream, from too too far away. I'm very sorry.

--
"Plans aren't check lists, they are loose frameworks for what's going to go wrong." -- technician
This is the worst. by gzt (4.00 / 1) #17 Sun Sep 13, 2015 at 04:26:18 PM EST
Death is a profound evil.

There are no words by yankeehack (4.00 / 1) #18 Sun Sep 13, 2015 at 07:24:02 PM EST
for the hurt. I am sorry dude.
"...she dares to indulge in the secret sport. You can't be a MILF with the F, at least in part because the M is predicated upon it."-CBB
I said it elsewhere and I'll say it here too: by ammoniacal (4.00 / 2) #19 Sun Sep 13, 2015 at 11:07:05 PM EST
My vast holdings are at your disposal, my brother. My love to you and yours.

"To this day that was the most bullshit caesar salad I have every experienced..." - triggerfinger

p.s. by ammoniacal (4.00 / 3) #20 Sun Sep 13, 2015 at 11:16:56 PM EST
As you undoubtedly know, your nephews will need you now more tha ever. I stand ready to assist.

"To this day that was the most bullshit caesar salad I have every experienced..." - triggerfinger

[ Parent ]
I'm so sorry. by Gedvondur (4.00 / 1) #21 Mon Sep 14, 2015 at 11:00:01 AM EST
I have no words that can take away your pain, but I will say this.  I'm here thinking about you and your family and I will be here to listen whenever you need. Here, or in other forms.

I'm so sorry.


So sorry by Bob Abooey (4.00 / 1) #22 Mon Sep 14, 2015 at 12:37:34 PM EST
I can relate with what you're going through. It's only been a few months since I lost my father (sudden - no signs of ill health that we knew of) and the wounds are still fresh with me.

Warmest regards,
--Your best pal Bob

How's my blogging: Call me at 209.867.5309 to complain.

Wow, I'm so sorry by georgeha (4.00 / 1) #23 Mon Sep 14, 2015 at 02:12:32 PM EST



My condolences by ambrosen (4.00 / 2) #24 Mon Sep 14, 2015 at 08:20:12 PM EST
Long may he live on for you and his family through your febrile, generous and incredibly detailed memory.

Fuck. by Metatone (4.00 / 1) #26 Tue Sep 15, 2015 at 05:06:00 AM EST
Fuck. Fuck. Fuck.

I am (still) so sorry by riceowlguy (4.00 / 1) #27 Tue Sep 15, 2015 at 04:11:56 PM EST
I know I already said as much on Facebook, but it bears repeating.

I've been seeing some of the photos of your brother posted and he appears to be a great guy I would have liked to have known. 

I'm sorry, technician by Scrymarch (4.00 / 1) #28 Wed Sep 16, 2015 at 09:20:41 AM EST
.

Iambic Web Certified

I wish I knew what to say... by atreides (4.00 / 2) #29 Thu Sep 17, 2015 at 04:52:07 AM EST
...that didn't sound like a platitude. Even if I had gone through something similar, my experience and yours would still be different. Knowing that I don't have the words, I hope you all get through this without too much pain. I know you can't avoid pain, but I hope it's not the kind of pain that breaks you and changes you forever. Because we would all hate that.

I'll shut up now.

He sails from world to world in a flying tomb, serving gods who eat hope.

There is no way for me to properly understand this. | 29 comments (29 topical, 0 hidden) | Trackback