Print Story My Confession
By atreides (Fri Dec 25, 2015 at 12:47:29 PM EST) (all tags)

I hate everything. I hate everyone. And I am an utterly miserable person these days because of it.

I hate my life. I live in a place I don't really want to live and have to commute every day (all the way across town, no less) to the house I was asked to leave where I'm not wanted to do something I never wanted to do.

I hate my weakness. College is done for me. If I can't get through the lowest level classes for what I want to do, what's the point? And I'll never know if the real reason is lack of ability or lack of time so I'll have to live with that uncertainty, but I do know for sure that there is a lack of will.

I hate my ex-wife. I am expected to have sympathy for the situation she has been left in, but shouldn't expect understanding for my own. I've been coming to realize that I hate the fact that she, the woman who cast me aside, is now in a "committed relationship" while I am out here in the cold, alone and hellishly lonely. I have drunk the poison and expect others to die.

I hate my depression. And I know that's what it is. If I didn't, I'd be far worse off than I am now. And it's probably not a situation that will eventually resolve. I've probably been somewhat depressed most of my life and I'm not the first one to notice.

I hate everything that is I.

And why am I telling you all this? For three reasons:

1. Even though I hate everything and everybody, I don't hate you very much. And I know that I don't really hate you at all, I'm just seeing everything through hate filled glasses.

2. Even despite the hate, you are the only folks I feel I can truly be open with and vulnerable and say these things.

3. I'm trying to give myself a Christmas gift, perhaps the only one I have to give. I'm trying to forgive myself. It's hard to accept forgiveness at the best of times, but when I'm a walking wound, it's almost impossible. But my mind can see the reactions to pain and hurt and loss. And that's a start.

So there you have it. My self-absorbed Christmas entry. It's not tinsel and flowers and cute children (and, for those of you wondering, they are cute and I don't hate them). I'm too busy fighting off the pigfuckers.

And maybe they are pigfuckers that only I can see. But they're real for me. And I can't stop. Because, despite the hate, I still have my creed, and I refuse to let the pigfuckers win, even if I'm getting blown out at the end of the third quarter.

< Almost Xmas | Nasty, brutish and in shorts >
My Confession | 10 comments (10 topical, 0 hidden) | Trackback
*hugs* by kwsNI (2.00 / 0) #1 Fri Dec 25, 2015 at 05:32:53 PM EST
Those hate-filled glasses are a bitch but in the end you will suffer most of all. Trust me, punishing yourself is not a good solution to anything.

Bourbon and barbecue by wiredog (2.00 / 0) #2 Fri Dec 25, 2015 at 07:59:29 PM EST
Or therapy. Or all three. Because hate takes way too much energy, and they're not worth it.

Earth First!
(We can strip mine the rest later.)

*hugs* by R343L (4.00 / 1) #3 Fri Dec 25, 2015 at 09:02:09 PM EST
I don't have a lot for you but:

I am expected to have sympathy for the situation she has been left in

Expected by who? Because it's pretty clear you don't and if you're trying to forgive yourself the first step might be to admit that. No use putting in emotion into someone who isn't reciprocating.

Anyway, hugs.

"There will be time, there will be time / To prepare a face to meet the faces that you meet." -- Eliot

Oh, sir! You're a gent in an untenable situation by ambrosen (2.00 / 0) #4 Fri Dec 25, 2015 at 10:05:03 PM EST
What do I say? My Christmas fell apart because I've been pouring all my energy into a bottomless pit just because the bottomless pit shouts at me when I say "can I spend some energy on me, or my friends, or my family?".

So yeah, I understand. And I know what it's like when the jug's been empty for a long time and you don't know where it's going to get filled next.

It's horrid. I'll bear witness to that for you.

And I think I know you well enough to know that you're a person who can't conceive of venting the hate in the direction a human will get hit by it. That's a good thing to be. But if you can think about the places and people where you can worry a little less about spilling some of that hate, and relax your grip on the jug a little when you're with them, you'll have more energy to hold it in when it really mustn't spill.

Because there's hopefully at least one situation you have where if a bit of your hate spills over, you can mop it up and apologise and everything's pretty much back to how it was.

And maybe the person who saw it spill will say "Oh man, I didn't realise you had that many taps of conflict filling your jug of hate, maybe I can help you turn this one down a little, and here, I've got somewhere you can bale out your jug of hate a little."

Maybe that'll happen. You don't get more than you can handl...bullshit klaxon.

Sorry, there aren't any platitudes. Your coping strategies are probably the best ones for you, so don't go worrying about whether you're doing it right. Spot tweaks and inspirations on how to deal with things if they come up and adopt those strategies, but don't waste precious energy searching for them.

But mainly, what I have to say is in the title.

That and Merry Christmas!

That ending came off wrong. by ambrosen (2.00 / 0) #5 Fri Dec 25, 2015 at 10:11:50 PM EST
I didn't mean to be glib when I said Merry Christmas, I meant to convey that you've got permission to fully let any glimpse of Christmas spirit that does come your way wash over you and to enjoy that one second of calm without worrying about having to keep it.

Also, hugs.

[ Parent ]
shoulder bump by iGrrrl (2.00 / 0) #6 Fri Dec 25, 2015 at 11:04:24 PM EST
arm punch

It sucks. You, however, do not.

"Beautiful wine, talking of scattered everythings"
(and thanks to Scrymarch)

When I got deep in the pit... by Metatone (2.00 / 0) #7 Sat Dec 26, 2015 at 02:48:38 AM EST
I ended up on an SSRI for a couple of months.
It brought some dodgy side effects, but I think it did make a difference. Dunno if some kind of thing is an option for you, but sometimes it helps - I too have tended to be down for much of my life.

I have a confession. by ammoniacal (4.00 / 1) #8 Sat Dec 26, 2015 at 10:25:29 PM EST
I've had a peripheral view of your ex for a while now and -not to be glib- this really is the first instance where I've looked at a couple who's split and been able to say that neither party has been the embodiment of Pure Evil. It just feels to me like a legit case of square peg/round hole and I hope that the both of you can move on with your lives, take good care of the kiddoes and end up with people who are better matches for each other.

This post has been sponsored by Old Overholt Rye Whiskey.

"To this day that was the most bullshit caesar salad I have every experienced..." - triggerfinger

Don't let them win by clock (2.00 / 0) #9 Sat Dec 26, 2015 at 11:11:06 PM EST
Pigfuckers. They can't win. They won't.

Good vibes coming your way, my friend. Take good care of yourself. I know that's hard. You're a good man.

I agree with clock entirely --Kellnerin

i have nothing but hugs by StackyMcRacky (2.00 / 0) #10 Sun Dec 27, 2015 at 04:49:41 PM EST

My Confession | 10 comments (10 topical, 0 hidden) | Trackback