The writing, however, was terrible. It was *EVERY* trope from the three original movies and the nostalgia button not only taped down but power screwed down. On top of that, it’s 10lbs of shit in a five-pound bag. We really do need some backstory on the First Order and what the FUCK exactly happened after the events of Return of the Jedi. Ya, ya, I know reveal later, but honestly it’s hard to take the First Order seriously if you don’t know exactly how much power it has or where or why the Republic can’t fight it. Why, for instance, is there a resistance? This stuff would have made events make more sense.
Fin, What’s Her Face, and Kylo Ren all got insufficient character development. Especially Fin. Lifelong conditioning and he gives up after one deployment? Really?
Main picking points:
"You think Han Solo is the father you never had..." ya, right like she's known him for less than 24 hours.
Why, when the Falcon returned to the resistance base, did Leia go hug What’s Her Face, rather than Chewbacca, whom she's known for decades and shared a bond with over Han Solo?
Another. Death. Star. Stop it. Just stop. Badly thought out, repetitive, and just kinda sad in a cringing way.
- · If it takes all of the *sun* to fire it, why were they able to fire it twice?
- · What the fuck were they going to do after they wrecked the sun? Hyperspace the *fucking planet* to another sun?
- · If you can eat all the energy of a sun, you don't *need* to destroy the planet. Just waste the sun. Duh. The rest will take care of itself.
- · If you are writing a movie and you make your McGuffin the *same fucking thing* for the third time, reconsider.
- · A third Death Star? Really? Come on.
Poor Carrie Fisher. She must have had some bad shit go down with her face, because it looks like nothing above her upper lip moves. She's wearing a Carrie Fisher mask. I kinda felt bad for her.
Oh, and "Turn the shield off or we shoot you" "Durr, okay" That was *just* fucking stupid. Then they toss her into a garbage compactor? Ya, I know, it was a cheap yuk, but come on. Commander Silver Stormtrooper woman should have been willing to fucking *die* than turn off that shield.
Oh, and Fin conning the entire Resistance to attack the Death Star III, (The Deathstaring) with ZERO plan to actually let them succeed? What the actual FUCK? He was going to let everyone else die so he could have a chance at slapping uglies with What’s Her Face? Real hero there. Got his priorities straight.
This leads to the thought of WHY Stormtroopers have gonads or any sex organs to begin with. Gotta interfere with their training and conditioning. Perhaps he was being continually chemically castrated and then when he got away for a few days was overwhelmed by the 12-year-old boy good looks of What’s Her Face. A penis is a terrible thing, apparently.
Honestly, not a huge surprise that they killed Han Solo. I wouldn't be surprised if Harrison Ford insisted on it. He really wants to walk away from the Star Wars legacy, he's not comfortable with the rabid fandom. Plus, nobody likes to see their greatest hero in a wheelchair. Heroes like Han Solo don't die at home in bed, so at least they go that right. Plus they now have Flashy Pilot to replace him. No, I don't remember his name either. Probably San Holo, if Abrams was allowed to pick it. Can't get too on the nose with that guy.
Let’s talk about the map to Luke for a moment. It implies that Luke, on his way to self-imposed exile, wandered around the galaxy leaving parts of a map for others to find. Man, that had to have been a bummer after Kylo Ren and shit, to have to wander around spreading map pieces like Johnny Appleseed. Because you don’t want your self-imposed exile to be disturbed by people looking for you. Unless you really went away because you wanted attention. Perhaps Luke’s exile was some kind of long-term Jedi pouting? But remember, many Bothans died for these idiots to not be able to extrapolate a single piece of a fucking star chart, despite having sentient computers and twenty thousand years of astrological data. Another sad, poorly thought out McGuffin. But I’ll take it all day over Death Star III.
Hey, lets talk about Jakku. You know, the planet formerly known as Tattoine.
Did you think that perhaps JJ Abrams wants to have sex with the Millennium Falcon? A friend pointed out to me that spread-eagle shots of the Falcon were Abram’s “lens flare fetish” for this particular movie and I can’t help but agree. It’s real nice that the Falcon, after sitting for years and years, just runs great despite neglect, age, and abuse. Oh, and getting more ground-to-ship contact than a Sno-Coaster. On the plus side, it will make it easy for them to simply ram the Falcon through the Death Star IV in the next movie.
This movie could have been so over the top awesome, but Exhibit A, JJ Abrams, is a terrible fucking writer. After fucking up a few Star Trek movies, somebody decided that it was okay for him to fuck up some Star Wars movies. I can’t understand why anyone ever let him write again after Lost. That was a hot mess the moment they got the order for season two. It was pretty clear that Abrams and his team had *no* idea what to do after the first season, so he resorted to time travel. Say…didn’t he resort to time travel in Star Trek too? Want to make a *bet* on whether he resorts to time travel in Star Wars next?
Now for things I liked.
I liked Fin’s backstory and the *fear* of the First Order. It was refreshing to see actual terror of the bad guys. They make a point to make the First Order terrifying, but then Fin is the only character who is *actually* afraid of them. Everyone else is apparently brain damaged. It could be that Fin’s anti-nut-sack medications actually make him rational. But if that logic is true, then What’s Her Face would actually have nuts of her own. Which would explain her lack of clear thinking when it comes to…well almost everything.
The pacing was fast. Almost too fast. It had a nice adventure feel, although you started to feel exhausted for the main characters who do all of this in seemingly 24 hours.
What’s Her Face wasn’t a complete nitwit. They also managed to ensure, for the most part, that she wasn’t the helpless little Disney Princess that she could have been. She stood up for herself and kicked ass when appropriate. She fell into the whole Force thing a *little* too fast after not even believing in Jedi 12 hours earlier. But that’s forgivable and I kind of liked the character, despite not being able to remember her name.
Anyway, this was a fun movie and I was glad to have seen it. But it’s not the cat’s ass like most Star War’s fanboys have been making it out to be. It’s a decent, if story-flawed effort that should have been *epic* but just ended up as good.
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