Print Story Good Lord, Has It Been That Long?
Diary
By technician (Tue Aug 19, 2014 at 12:43:35 AM EST) (all tags)
Well, I don't like to brag about how long it is.


Here's the thing: NOTHING IS GOING ON.

Nothing?

NOTHING. Existential stuff, sure. Always. Otherwise, nothing.

Work is this: we got bought by the guys who sued the victims of Abu Ghraib, because those helpless bastards sued us. I say "us" and I mean us; I work for SuperHyperGlobalMegaNet Part 2. I need to resurrect blixco. I need to find a New Thing.

But I'm old, so that's not as easy. My skills are stagnant. My degree is missing. My work isn't good.

So the plan, as always, is to leave town. And despite my insistence that Seattle is a Bad Idea (I have friends there, my wife does not, and there's a lot of deleted text that belongs in the hole), we're shooting for Denver. Close to friends and family in most locations, and lots of work.

Now, getting there.

If you know me personally or you've read me for any length of time, you know that I am a control freak of the most worst order. Therapy is helping. I'm looking at two Big Goals, and in both cases I've deleted the requirement to control every possibility.

Big Goal One: moving.

Big Goal Two: kids.

Yeah, I want a kids. Maybe more than one kids. My wife is not sold. She's where I was for the last X years: the time isn't right. But like Big Goal One, or like anything Big, the time is never right. You just do it, plan for what you can, and deal with the rest.

And I'm not just OK with that. I want that.

I need it.

So. Sometime between now and the next time I write a diary entry, I suspect movement will have occurred on the various fronts I am engaged with. Moving, job, kids. Job isn't a Big Goal, I don't give a shit about my career except that it be something I can do and maybe want to do. I did sort out my life goal, which was depressing in that it didn't illuminate anything or help my standing situations any: I want to help people. Teach them. So....now what?

Now, since I am the primary breadwinner and will be until I die, I need to find work that fits, and most IT work fits, but I'd rather not have the end product of my work be the killing of a human being. Need to draw the line somewhere, ya know?

So, no work with my credentials...I'm tired of them. I won't do another polygraph. I won't do any work that kills people. It's just not good.

But hey, I got by for nearly two decades before I joined The Man, so I figure if I can brush up on my devops and Ruby skillz, I can get work.

Outside of work, it's a blur. I don't sleep; we're into the heart of summer, so everything is too hot and too annoying.

I played guitar for the five days Laurea was out of town. Can't do it while she's here; it doesn't work when I know my output is annoying someone. But I have some ideas and an arrangement, so I need some lyrics. I have some lyric pieces:

Something about a time when December didn't matter. When you were alive and all that was wrong was stupid and simple. When the worst thing that happened was me, and not You. Think: nostalgia for selfishness.

Right then. Time to try and sleep. If you have answers or lyrics, respond. You may remember me. I was once a person who contributed to this location. I may eventually be again, if my life can just get out of neutral.

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Good Lord, Has It Been That Long? | 8 comments (8 topical, 0 hidden) | Trackback
FWIW-- by ammoniacal (4.00 / 1) #1 Tue Aug 19, 2014 at 02:20:26 AM EST
I count you AND the Doc in my depressingly small circle of pals. FWIW.

Also, I'm inclined to see you teaching young people. I think you would benefit each other. FWIW.

"To this day that was the most bullshit caesar salad I have every experienced..." - triggerfinger

the time isn't right. by wiredog (4.00 / 2) #2 Tue Aug 19, 2014 at 06:28:18 AM EST
While there isn't (much of) a time limit for men in that situation, there absolutely is for women. As a woman I know found out. She always waited for the "right time" (or right guy) until there was no time left.

Earth First!
(We can strip mine the rest later.)

Yeah by ucblockhead (4.00 / 1) #4 Tue Aug 19, 2014 at 11:15:06 AM EST
We came very close to running out of time.  We waited for the "right time" and then biology didn't cooperate.
---
[ucblockhead is] useless and subhuman
[ Parent ]
Sometimes... by ana (4.00 / 1) #3 Tue Aug 19, 2014 at 07:22:27 AM EST
 ...nothing is a real cool hand.

I now know what the noise that is usually spelled "lolwhut" sounds like. --Kellnerin

Kids by miserere (4.00 / 1) #5 Tue Aug 19, 2014 at 11:26:39 AM EST
This whole thing cuts pretty close to the bone for me. I didn't know that I actually wanted kids, and I'm still not sure -- I like the life I have for the most part. Kids would complicate things immensely. I haven't been in a situation where kids would even be a reasonable option for my entire adult life -- the timing (and relationship status) has always been wrong.

And then, when I was getting around to the idea that I might want to try this whole kid thing, I found out I have a genetic mutation that means that a) I might pass that mutation along to my offspring, thus causing them the same type of shit I'm going through now, or b) I might die and leave them before they're grown. Losing my mom when I was 33 was awful. She was too young, and I was too young. But if I'd lost my mom when I was 14? That would've been utter and complete hell.

I hope that you do have kids. You'll be a fantastic dad. And, if you're like me, and you end up not, I think there may always be a part of you that grieves that life you didn't live. But maybe that's just part of being human?

Anyway. Good luck with all the Big Life Stuff. And write more, plzkthx (facebook is no substitute).

Dude by kwsNI (4.00 / 1) #6 Tue Aug 19, 2014 at 11:31:04 AM EST
Come up to Dallas some weekend. There is the most adorable 5 month old girl for you to meet (and that reminds me I'm way behind on diaries).

I have a long noticed the problem… by atreides (4.00 / 3) #7 Tue Aug 19, 2014 at 11:53:31 AM EST
…that my friends who would make the best parents are usually the ones who are least likely have children. It's a nice thing to know that maybe you guys want to do something about that. Not that there's anything wrong with not having them...

He sails from world to world in a flying tomb, serving gods who eat hope.

my work now isn't 'good' per se by garlic (4.00 / 2) #8 Tue Aug 19, 2014 at 05:28:33 PM EST
but now I don't feel like at best I'm wasting taxpayer money, and at worst, I'm working on weapons of mass destruction.


Good Lord, Has It Been That Long? | 8 comments (8 topical, 0 hidden) | Trackback