Print Story Putting some thoughts in order
Death
By ana (Thu May 08, 2014 at 08:23:52 PM EST) (all tags)
In part, as a way of coping with sad days. Like this one.


Been doing mostly okay lately. When friend J in Colorado, over dinner, asked how I'm doing, I said "surviving," which is about right.

Anyway. Recent finds...

There's an Episcopal priest in Pasadena who's active on twitter and elsewhere who has interesting things to say. She's the widow of a woman I think she was not allowed to actually marry, and now 3 years later or so, engaged to another one, to be married in June.

By way of background, Gene Robinson, the first openly gay bishop in the Episcopal church, is getting divorced from his husband/partner of 25 years or so. Which is very sad. In part because I took some inspiration from his book and the part about divorcing his wife when it became apparent the marriage couldn't work because he was gay.

Anyway, Rev Susan Russell has a column in the Huffpost Religion section, in which she decided to address the question of what Bishop Robinson's divorce says about marriage, life, the universe, and everything. Notable is her point number 2:

2. But what about the "until death do us part" part? Doesn't divorce make a mockery of that vow?
 
What I believe is that the vow "until death do us part" is absolutely binding on absolutely every marriage. And what I know is that sometimes the death that ends a marriage isn't the death of one of the partners but the death of the marriage itself. And when that happens, the faithful thing -- the honest thing, the healthy thing -- is to grieve the death of the marriage. And then, from a Christian perspective, to trust the Easter promise that love is stronger than death -- even the death of a marriage.

Which was something I don't think I've heard before, at least not in so many words.

Of course, I had likened my situation to a death in the family, but I was thinking of it as my own, or at least a large part of myself. The notion that there's a 3rd entity, also mortal, in a relationship, is interesting. It's probably a little too convenient, to be sure, as a way of getting out of a corner, but it's a start.

Thing two... Tonight on the way home I was listening to a podcast on Story Collider, where scientists tell about the impact science has on their lives (and the other way around). In this episode, Sara Seager, someone I know slightly from her time as a grad student, and from doing science in the same town, told the story of her involvement in the Kepler Space Telescope project, searching for planets around nearby stars that might support life as we understand it. With a year's timeout to help her husband die of intestinal cancer.

And she talks about how much it really doesn't matter, next to that, whatever else is going on. And I said to myself out loud, "and it never gets any better." Which isn't quite true: it gets different, more tolerable somehow.

She talks about bucket lists, and points out that, if you really do have just a year to live, you get too sick too quickly to do anything much. So do it now. She chooses to go all out looking for Earth 2.0.

I... drift. Perhaps one day, having thought all this through, I'll be fit for polite company again.
< The time has come | Karma! >
Putting some thoughts in order | 7 comments (7 topical, 0 hidden) | Trackback
I had trouble with the words, but by dark nowhere (2.00 / 0) #1 Thu May 08, 2014 at 10:36:26 PM EST
It's probably a little too convenient, to be sure, as a way of getting out of a corner, but it's a start.

This is exactly what I was thinking. It's absolutely the healthy, honest thing to do. (Especially if there are children. Having parents who resent each other is awful.)

Chill out, snowflake.

Looking back by yankeehack (2.00 / 0) #2 Fri May 09, 2014 at 12:17:39 PM EST
I can attest to the grief of the ending of a relationship (whether it's marriage or what have you) and it takes time to acknowledge, get over that death and to move on.

There is nothing silly about it.

"...she dares to indulge in the secret sport. You can't be a MILF with the F, at least in part because the M is predicated upon it."-CBB

fir for polite company by aphrael (4.00 / 2) #3 Fri May 09, 2014 at 12:21:04 PM EST
You are fit for polite company. That's not the question. The question is, right now, if polite company is fit for you.

------

Jared and I talk about this a lot - there are three parties in our relationship: him, me, and the relationship itself. It's a good way to frame things, and it comes up regularly in situations where something is good for one person and good for the relationship but bad for the other person. :)
If television is a babysitter, the internet is a drunk librarian who won't shut up.

Despair. by ana (2.00 / 0) #5 Fri May 09, 2014 at 01:23:20 PM EST
Getting my own house in order is something I can work on. Fixing the world is something I can't.

I now know what the noise that is usually spelled "lolwhut" sounds like. --Kellnerin

[ Parent ]
you don't need to fix the world. by aphrael (4.00 / 2) #6 Fri May 09, 2014 at 01:26:01 PM EST
maybe the point to my phrasing wasn't clear. :)

You are fit for polite company. Polite company has no reason to reject you or turn you away. There's nothing about you which means you aren't ok for other people.

The issue is, you may currently be in a state where other people aren't right for you - where they aren't able to give you what you need, where trying to be in polite company hurts you more than it helps you. They aren't fit for you, for the you you are now, in this place, in this time.

That's not a permanent condition. But it might be true right now.

In which case, it's not that there's anything wrong with you or you aren't fit; it's that right now, they aren't what you need. And that's ok.
If television is a babysitter, the internet is a drunk librarian who won't shut up.

[ Parent ]
on self-realisation. by gmd (2.00 / 0) #7 Sat May 10, 2014 at 07:16:05 PM EST
Your own Self-Realization is the greatest service you can render the world.

Ramana Maharshi

--
gmd - HuSi's second most dimwitted overprivileged user.
[ Parent ]
death and living by LoppEar (4.00 / 3) #4 Fri May 09, 2014 at 12:46:01 PM EST
I like the thoughts here, the thinking through. I like the company of your thoughts.


Putting some thoughts in order | 7 comments (7 topical, 0 hidden) | Trackback