Print Story Nothing says "I mean business" like a monocle.
Working life
By wiredog (Fri Mar 21, 2014 at 11:23:36 AM EST) (all tags)
Stolen from a friend.


Lately a lot of people have been asking my advice in interviewing for jobs. Here are some tips that I have found always work:
  • 1. First impressions last forever. Immediately after shaking someone‚Äôs hand, take a bottle of antibacterial sanitizer from your pocket and clean your hand thoroughly so that they know you have good hygiene.
  • 2. Your potential employer is probably a busy person. If they do not respond the day after the interview, visiting them after work hours at their home is probably a great idea.
  • 3. Maintain eye contact throughout your interview. Piercing cold eye contact.
  • 4. Employers require your resume generally, but make it stand out by using an off-white paper stock and then handing it to them with a $100 bill stapled to it.
  • 5. Make sure you dress up for the interview. Any fool knows to wear a suit. But if you really want to stand apart wear a tux or formal cocktail attire. Nothing says "I mean business" like a monocle.
  • 6. If you are asked the age old question of "what are you weaknesses?" just respond by letting them know that the weak die. Possibly followed by a veiled threat that you'll prove you are stronger than anyone else. Then show them how many push-ups you can do.
  • 7. Use the words "with extreme prejudice" as many times as possible during the interview. Everyone uses buzz words, but real stand outs make sure it's known that they will literally kill a man if/when the job requires.
  • 8. Set the tone of the interview by hugging your interviewer. Let them know you are human. Don't be afraid to hold hands.
  • 9. Create and air of mystery by not including your first or last name on any documentation or in the interview. Tell them you only give that out upon a firm offer. Refer to yourself by a code word, such as Snake, The Raptor, or Jack Bauer.
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Nothing says "I mean business" like a monocle. | 7 comments (7 topical, 0 hidden) | Trackback
You forgot the most important part by toxicfur (4.00 / 1) #1 Fri Mar 21, 2014 at 11:37:59 AM EST
Be on time! In fact, be at least an hour early.
--
The amount of suck that you can put up with can be mind-boggling, but it only really hits you when it then ceases to suck. -- Kellnerin
Only if you undervalue yourself by georgeha (2.00 / 0) #2 Fri Mar 21, 2014 at 11:54:34 AM EST
Showing up fifteen minutes tells the company just how important you are, and how lucky they'll be if you deign to work for them.


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late? by marvin (2.00 / 0) #3 Fri Mar 21, 2014 at 12:09:13 PM EST
I think you missed a word.

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Doh! by georgeha (2.00 / 0) #4 Fri Mar 21, 2014 at 12:16:10 PM EST



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I thought the word was "for" by anonimouse (2.00 / 0) #6 Sat Mar 22, 2014 at 03:55:37 AM EST
Showing up for fifteen minutes tells the company just how important you are, and how lucky they'll be if you deign to work for them.

Girls come and go but a mortgage is for 25 years -- JtL
[ Parent ]
Don't worry about Must have requirements by ks1178 (2.00 / 0) #5 Fri Mar 21, 2014 at 12:46:13 PM EST
If one of the requirements is that you are fluent in a language that is not your native language, don't sweat it. That's to filter out those that lack self assurance. Just state in your CV that you are fluent, and then when you arrive for the interview, explain that it's been many years since you've used the langauge regularly as it's not needed day to day in your current company, but you're sure it will all come back to you soon.

It's best if this is done in the langauge specified but with poor grammar and pronunciation but complete self assurance.

And then over the course of the interview, remind them to rephrase things in words that you will understand, preferably by staring at them blankly until they do it on their own, and be sure to spend the proper amount of time on your end to pick the proper verbiage when responding.

Must Have requirements by anonimouse (2.00 / 0) #7 Sat Mar 22, 2014 at 03:57:22 AM EST
Are easily overcome by looking them up on the InterTubes on the night before the interview.


Girls come and go but a mortgage is for 25 years -- JtL
[ Parent ]
Nothing says "I mean business" like a monocle. | 7 comments (7 topical, 0 hidden) | Trackback