Print Story Do You Think I Meant Country Matters?
Diary
By CheeseburgerBrown (Sat Mar 02, 2013 at 06:47:37 PM EST) (all tags)
This is just one of those diary-type diaries.

Contents:
Run, Cheeseburger, Run!
The Sex Secret
The Switcheroo Concludes

(May also contain nuts.)



RUN, CHEESEBURGER, RUN!

So I got to the part where running becomes awesome. Naturally I'd heard about the phenomenon so I wasn't blindsided and moved to obnoxious evangelicalism or anything, but it's been neat to experience first hand. Now days without any running in them are worse days, and days with any amount of running in them at all are better on a pro rata basis.

I still don't like running with non-bare feet, but it's winter and the people at the gym won't let me run in the gym with bare feet because they are bastards. Even if I try to sneak in without covering my feet some purse-lipped whistle-blowing shit-sucking tit-rat who hates bareness will always tattle on me because they are bastards.

All of a sudden I can run for a very long time without stopping or slowing down. I forgot to notice that happening gradually. The body is a keen toy!

THE SEX SECRET

I didn't realize that sex just got better and better, but then again I had a taste for very jaded comics when I was young. I'd always thought after being married to people you got tired of having sex with them all the time, which explains high-definition pornography subscriptions and also many extramarital affairs and some murders.

Granted, I do understand that because I have one of those true love marriages certain conclusions from some of even the best magazine polls may not apply to our situation directly. Never the less I can honestly say I've never stood in line in the grocery store check-out and read a headline about the positive feedback loop of single-focus multi-session milfuckery. Which I guess is another reason I don't read a lot of magazines. They don't apply to me and also they sync poorly across non-proximal locations. But mostly because they don't apply to me.

And, yes, I know you're not supposed to talk about milfuckery. It's like one of those underground membership leagues for raw pugilism. (In that the first and second rules both concern the discretion inherent in underground membership leagues for raw pugilism, made explicit lest the slower among us miss the original reference. Because meta.)

I don't fully understand why milfuckery is such a taboo subject. It's not like admitting the mother of your children puts out somehow robs her of mystique; your offspring are sufficient evidence that she dares to indulge in the secret sport. You can't be a MILF with the F, at least in part because the M is predicated upon it.

Is it modesty? This I have a hard time believing when people will relay anecdotes to me about drunken vomit and being in Mexico without access to a toilet. People will tell me things I couldn't possibly want to know about, but they draw the curtain of quiet dignity when it comes to the one subject that obsesses them most, having sex with attractive women? How does that make a lick of sense?

A guy will tell you how much a bitch his wife is when she's pre-menstrual, but he respects her too much to ever allude to how fun it is to hit that? Bologna. Malarkey. Piff-paff.

At any rate whatever the damn explanation is I'm bad with taboos so let me just say for the record that dedicated milfuckery is a high return investment. I can be a sucker for some pretty sweet sensory experiences -- a nice sandwich, a bubbly ale -- but no part of the day is as splendid and getting splendider as the full body contact part with no clothes and no words.

Like a stroll in the forest it's never twice the same journey, subject to weather and season and light. You know the way but not the colour it has today. You can still be surprised by storms. And sometimes it just rains and rains, eroding the landscape into something new. Finally, metaphors are stretched out on racks and forced to recant their native faith, because nobody expects the

Vitamin F. Part of this complete meal.

There's no beating around the bush about it. You know that part in Lord of the Rings where Count Dooku is back to camera, conducting evil wizardry, gesticulating and speaking in tongues into the wind, catalyzing a massive heaving weather system that surges into the pass between the mountains? Sometimes I feel like that about licking Littlestar's vagina.

I'm sorry if that's supposed to be an assumed but not said thing, but I'm saying it anyway. And I'm not even drunk!

(Well, not very.)

THE SWITCHEROO CONCLUDES

I've just handled the mantle of primary caregiver back to Littlestar after a four-month run of Mr. Momming. It was a quiet ceremony. Few dignitaries were present. I did not have to shave off my beard and talk to myself in the mirror in recovery from losing my shit and coming to realize some deep truths about my wife, my relationship and myself -- like in the movie starring Batman -- but it was still a very insightful experience.

Below is a selection of the things I have learned and/or experimentally proven this winter. They may be obvious to you, because you are very clever and sensitive people, but I thought I'd share them anyway.

In multi-child situations simply getting to tea time can be a big deal; providing services through to supper time is heroic. When you, the professional spouse, come home for dinner, bear in mind the day has a history and the quota for patience may have been exceeded hours previously. Accept the hand off gracefully and complain about idiots at the office and/or idiots on the roads later on. I sort of understood this intellectually before, but I understand it viscerally now.

Many temporary deficits of attention and focus can be remedied with brisk physical exercise. It's like a free coupon that erases fidgeting and restlessness. If the buggers won't settle down, three miles on bikes. Takes less than half an hour, even if you account for some snivelling. They can be frog marched through deep snow, too, a mile or so. Takes the edge right off them. Hyperactivity, boredom and wandering minds can be tamed. Make them sweat, and you will have peace.

The easiest time to lose momentum is in the morning. Make the morning hop and the afternoon will fall into line.

It is unnecessary and ineffective to tell children that the correction or admonishment you are delivering has been delivered previously or even delivered ad nauseam. As parents we accept that repetition and follow-up quality assurance passes are our crosses to bear, and that reminding the children of these facts does not correlate with accelerated maturation. It's just an indirect form of complaining. Shut up.

Never trust kids. They are bastards. They don't even know what's real. Verify everything always.

Entertainment media via any and all platforms should be dose-controlled, like caffeine or acetaminophen. If your children overdose on stimulating media, immediately refer to the paragraph above that starts, 'Many temporary deficits of attention and focus can be remedied with brisk physical exercise.' Repeat as required.

So, you really think you have a method of brute-force simplicity that "cures" a picky eater? I will fucking buy you a child to do your experiments on, just to see the expression on your face when you fail, fail, fail. I don't care what anecdotes you have about your cousin. Fucking buy a child and put your money where your mouth is, you wrongful wronger. Wrong!

Pre-cook and freeze core foods. Identify and date with permanent marker. Have your AI of choice remind you of thawing times in appropriate advance of meals. Use timers to avoid neglecting items when multi-item preparation is required.

Plants really like to have their water regularly, it turns out.
The suspected smell of cat pee should never be ignored. Really I guess that goes for any sort of pee. There was a while there when the boy was peeing into the garbage can next to the toilet for some reason. WTF?

The best technical support people are those available first thing in the morning. Even at the lousy cable company where they are all bastards.

Hugging your children is seldom a wrong move. Casual touch is critical, too. If you forget to pet and bump and squeeze your children, what's the difference between you and pixels? I remain an emphatic proponent of all forms of non-molestational child-touching. Because mammals.

While it's nice to have some family snaps, when really cool stuff is going on cameras are crass. They are a barrier to experience. If you try to make me subordinate a genuine moment for the sake of somebody's recording device, I will cut you.

Children of any age will benefit from being read to, even if they are already literate. It is a kind of hypnosis. You can even read them really boring shit and they'll start to look forward to it. I had only previously been reading to them at bedtime, but I've revised my minimum requirements for parental reading aloud and now we're devoting much more time throughout the day to it. (Current rotation: Blubber by Judy Blume, Thoughts of Marcus Aurelius by Marcus Aurelius, and the King James Bible by God.)

Also, verse. Children require daily poetry readings in order to get through the thousand bullshit poems you hate until you hear the one poem that you want to hear a thousand times.

Laundry day is a myth. Every day is laundry day. Boober FTW.

< OK, yall got me. May your gods help you now. | I enjoy being lazy >
Do You Think I Meant Country Matters? | 34 comments (34 topical, 0 hidden) | Trackback
IIRC by aphrael (4.00 / 1) #1 Sat Mar 02, 2013 at 07:40:52 PM EST
> I'm sorry if that's supposed to be an assumed but not said thing, but I'm saying it anyway

IIRC, the last time we had this conversation my takeaway was that it was the sort of thing you should refrain from saying because it suddenly caused some of your imaginary internet friends to not be able to tell the difference between you and the kind of asshole who would make public statements and post things publically about his wife, against her will, which she would find shameful.

Fear of that outcome may or may not be the only reason I've refrained from making similar comments about my not-wife.
If television is a babysitter, the internet is a drunk librarian who won't shut up.

That's a Crying Shame by CheeseburgerBrown (4.00 / 1) #4 Sat Mar 02, 2013 at 10:06:26 PM EST
...[T]he kind of asshole who would make public statements and post things publically about his wife, against her will, which she would find shameful.
What kind of a person would be ashamed of their lover stating publically that they loved making love with them?

I mean, we're talking about cissexual behaviour between consenting married white people. This isn't even the sort of activity that gets hard right extremists into hot water at home.
So not only am I having trouble conceiving of this hypothetical shame, I'm further having trouble imagining why that person wouldn't be considered the asshole in the scenario for attempting to suppress obvious facts that compromise no one..
Am I shame compromised? Do I need shame conselling?


Science-fiction wallah, storytelling gorilla, man wearing a hat: Cheeseburger Brown.
[ Parent ]
i was making a joke by aphrael (2.00 / 0) #5 Sat Mar 02, 2013 at 10:32:18 PM EST
about a flame war which once happened in one of your husi diaries. :)

If television is a babysitter, the internet is a drunk librarian who won't shut up.
[ Parent ]
Me Too! by CheeseburgerBrown (2.00 / 0) #14 Sun Mar 03, 2013 at 11:59:30 AM EST
The fact of the matter is I don't have sex with my wife so much as seeing to the matter personally while ogling Internet downloads with her head Photoshopped on.

It's probably hotter than it sounds, because I'm really good at Photoshop.


Science-fiction wallah, storytelling gorilla, man wearing a hat: Cheeseburger Brown.
[ Parent ]
Sounds like a new business! by ucblockhead (4.00 / 3) #25 Sun Mar 03, 2013 at 09:12:40 PM EST
You could perform the service for people who no photoshop skills!

Word of advice: don't try to sell this to Rusty.
---
[ucblockhead is] useless and subhuman

[ Parent ]
Not shame by iGrrrl (2.00 / 0) #27 Mon Mar 04, 2013 at 03:11:42 PM EST
I wouldn't discuss my sex life with my husband here because it's not just my story, and he wouldn't like it public. It's not shame; he's just a private person. littlestar and you have a different relationship around this question.

"Beautiful wine, talking of scattered everythings"
(and thanks to Scrymarch)

[ Parent ]
It seems to me by Driusan (4.00 / 1) #9 Sun Mar 03, 2013 at 09:49:34 AM EST
that any imaginary internet friends who think that don't know Littlestar very well.

--
Vive le Montréal libre.
[ Parent ]
that was my reaction, too. by aphrael (2.00 / 0) #10 Sun Mar 03, 2013 at 10:23:33 AM EST
.sigged /nt by yankeehack (4.00 / 1) #2 Sat Mar 02, 2013 at 07:52:10 PM EST

"...she dares to indulge in the secret sport. You can't be a MILF with the F, at least in part because the M is predicated upon it."-CBB
+1, sex positivity by MillMan (4.00 / 1) #3 Sat Mar 02, 2013 at 08:44:49 PM EST
and not of the flowery, politically correct sort.

I didn't eat much of anything until I was 10. My parents didn't force me to clear my plate, but they did say "you can't have food later" to which I just shrugged while they assumed I would be throwing a fit within 30 minutes. I think that their punishments with regards to food didn't work pissed them off more than the fact that I didn't eat. Like a sort of punishment effectiveness entitlement.

"Just as there are no atheists in foxholes, there are no libertarians in financial crises." -Krugman

it's an odd thing. by aphrael (2.00 / 0) #6 Sat Mar 02, 2013 at 10:33:15 PM EST
i believe in sex positivity. i think as a culture we're wierdly suppressed about sex.

and yet i couldn't bring myself to say in public the sorts of things CBB said here.

sigh
If television is a babysitter, the internet is a drunk librarian who won't shut up.

[ Parent ]
Christianity is a sex cult by MillMan (4.00 / 3) #7 Sat Mar 02, 2013 at 11:46:26 PM EST
only in our bizarro land it tries to stifle instead of promote it. Tack on women as property narratives that we're not even close to getting rid of and that's your base.

"Just as there are no atheists in foxholes, there are no libertarians in financial crises." -Krugman

[ Parent ]
Damn pilgrims by ucblockhead (2.00 / 0) #12 Sun Mar 03, 2013 at 11:47:46 AM EST
The puritan strain is particularly bad.
---
[ucblockhead is] useless and subhuman
[ Parent ]
Nifty Hats, Though. by CheeseburgerBrown (4.00 / 1) #17 Sun Mar 03, 2013 at 12:25:54 PM EST
If they offer blankets to your people, be suspicious.


Science-fiction wallah, storytelling gorilla, man wearing a hat: Cheeseburger Brown.
[ Parent ]
Well now by ucblockhead (2.00 / 0) #20 Sun Mar 03, 2013 at 01:14:57 PM EST
My people are the pilgrims.  So get back to work.  And stop all the pokey-pokey unless you are bringing more of the godly into the world.
---
[ucblockhead is] useless and subhuman
[ Parent ]
Don't Make My Queen Frown At You by CheeseburgerBrown (2.00 / 0) #22 Sun Mar 03, 2013 at 02:31:34 PM EST
Sure, you think you're tough because you fought for independence. But if you'd had the patience to wait three centuries and ask nicely nary a drop of blood would've been spilled.

I like the way your turkey-huntin' guns flare at the end, though. That's cool.


Science-fiction wallah, storytelling gorilla, man wearing a hat: Cheeseburger Brown.
[ Parent ]
and no self-abuse, either! by aphrael (2.00 / 0) #26 Mon Mar 04, 2013 at 11:31:52 AM EST
I Forget Not To Be Surprised by CheeseburgerBrown (4.00 / 3) #16 Sun Mar 03, 2013 at 12:25:02 PM EST
As an outsider to America I always forget how hard it is to bear in mind that American media depictions of sex and sexuality are very, very different from Americans' sense of sex and sexuality.

This schism is decidedly less pronounced in many other countries. I really do think it's a bit of an American exception.

That is to say while in American and Americanoid media sex is foreground, flashy and unrepentant, individual Americans themselves frequently strike me as pointedly modest.

What's the dealio with that?

Is it caused by fluoride in the water or by Obama?


Science-fiction wallah, storytelling gorilla, man wearing a hat: Cheeseburger Brown.
[ Parent ]
Closing the Sex Circuit by CheeseburgerBrown (2.00 / 0) #15 Sun Mar 03, 2013 at 12:19:03 PM EST
Having met you and talked to you with our meat faces pointing at each other and so on now on more than one occasion, I have no doubt that your concern here on behalf of your lover comes from a noble root, Aph, though I admit it makes me wonder if certain historically anti-feminist locks downs disguised as protections could port themselves to non-cis relationships and roles.

That is to say perhaps certain ways we all have of defending the reputation of someone we cherish are built (inadvertently) on a scaffolding of female control. That wouldn't diminish the actual love there, of course -- but might put perspective on the source of the prudish aspect of it.

(I'm not saying that's your situation. It just makes me think.)

Can men be victims of the madonna:whore dichotomy?


Science-fiction wallah, storytelling gorilla, man wearing a hat: Cheeseburger Brown.
[ Parent ]
Paragraphs and non sequiturs by ks1178 (2.00 / 0) #8 Sun Mar 03, 2013 at 01:23:44 AM EST
Based on some of the sexual activities CBB was writing about, I was quite surprised by the beginning of the next paragraph.

I guess I just have a dirty mind.

[ Parent ]
Implied Sequiturs by CheeseburgerBrown (4.00 / 2) #18 Sun Mar 03, 2013 at 12:27:52 PM EST
Always believe in virtual sequiturs in anything I write, because I have a real fondness for invisible bridges.


Science-fiction wallah, storytelling gorilla, man wearing a hat: Cheeseburger Brown.
[ Parent ]
The research on dedicated regular by Metatone (2.00 / 0) #11 Sun Mar 03, 2013 at 10:53:02 AM EST
 MILFfuckery suggests that it gives the couple a happiness boost roughly equivalent to a doubling of income...

Hey! by ucblockhead (4.00 / 1) #13 Sun Mar 03, 2013 at 11:48:32 AM EST
Two things that children make harder!!
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[ucblockhead is] useless and subhuman
[ Parent ]
Woo-hoo! by CheeseburgerBrown (4.00 / 1) #19 Sun Mar 03, 2013 at 12:29:19 PM EST
That official makes me a highly paid gigolo! My teenage dreams come true!


Science-fiction wallah, storytelling gorilla, man wearing a hat: Cheeseburger Brown.
[ Parent ]
those days are behind me. by dev trash (2.00 / 0) #21 Sun Mar 03, 2013 at 01:21:26 PM EST


--
I DON'T CARE ABOUT YOUR BALLS! ->clock
Turn Around, You Will Find Them. by CheeseburgerBrown (2.00 / 0) #23 Sun Mar 03, 2013 at 02:34:11 PM EST
I hate it when the past dogs your heels. It's awful best to surprise it by taking a step or two sideways in time.

Besideswhich I'm not following: what's behind you -- role switching, wife sports, or whatever I started with?


Science-fiction wallah, storytelling gorilla, man wearing a hat: Cheeseburger Brown.
[ Parent ]
I aim to confuse by dev trash (2.00 / 0) #33 Tue Mar 05, 2013 at 06:58:11 PM EST
Usually myself, but if I can pull in others as well, more the fun!

Your idea of doing a few side steps, is sage advice, that I may add to my 'sage pieces of advice I really should listen to, and implement'.


--
I DON'T CARE ABOUT YOUR BALLS! ->clock

[ Parent ]
I like MILFucking by georgeha (4.00 / 1) #24 Sun Mar 03, 2013 at 08:04:59 PM EST
very much, though as the saying goes, it takes two to MILFucj.


This! by iGrrrl (4.00 / 3) #28 Mon Mar 04, 2013 at 03:16:06 PM EST
While it's nice to have some family snaps, when really cool stuff is going on cameras are crass. They are a barrier to experience. If you try to make me subordinate a genuine moment for the sake of somebody's recording device, I will cut you.

A thousand times, this. My M-i-L will stop something that is going on in order to get the camera. Then the thing-that-was-happening turns into a performance-we-must-do. I hate it.

She says she does it because her memory is failing, and she needs the reminder. This is the only reason I hold my tongue.

"Beautiful wine, talking of scattered everythings"
(and thanks to Scrymarch)

I keep hoping by Scrymarch (4.00 / 1) #30 Tue Mar 05, 2013 at 08:28:47 AM EST
Its an artefact of the pre-digital, pre-smartphone era that will eventually go away. Possibly to be replaced by that annoying young nephew that won't ever take his Google Glasses off for fuck's sake if I wanted to be on TV I would have got a boob job and a lobotomy you little prick. But that hasn't happened yet, so I'm hoping for a five to ten year window of personal recording device sanity at family events.

Iambic Web Certified

[ Parent ]
Truth by LoppEar (4.00 / 2) #29 Mon Mar 04, 2013 at 03:38:59 PM EST
All of it that I can personally verify, and frankly I tend to be optimistic about my and other's ability to discern likely truth on matters that we rely on others to verify.

I often try to act cynical about this, and then I get all optimistic about the recurring goodness of those who speak truth or even of the sounds of truth themselves, and well, here we are.

More poems. More casual group singing.


Underground membership leagues for raw pugilism by eddwo (4.00 / 1) #31 Tue Mar 05, 2013 at 09:49:41 AM EST
I just love the way you think CBB, I so wish there were more of you in the world.
Perhaps there are and I don't know how to recognise them in meat space,
I can only discern the existence of minds like yours via back doors such as this.




Runner's high by ObviousTroll (4.00 / 1) #32 Tue Mar 05, 2013 at 11:50:31 AM EST
Now days without any running in them are worse days, and days with any amount of running in them at all are better on a pro rata basis.

When I got to work this morning I was wearing 4 layers of clothes. My toes were numb with cold, my head was soaked with sweat. 

My question: Why don't more people  realize how great cycling to work really is?

An Angry and Flatulent Pig, Trying to Tie Balloon Animals
one issue I'm trying to figure out by garlic (4.00 / 1) #34 Wed Mar 06, 2013 at 11:04:22 AM EST
is how ok is it to ogle your friends? One of my friends posted some pictures on her bike blog showing all what layers she wears winter biking down to her undies. She's a cutie, and she posted the pictures herself, but I still feel weird looking at nude photos of a friend. Similarly, just because littlestar is a Mom You Like to Fuck, it seems like it would be pretty rude for me to say to you or her that she's a Mom I'd like to Fuck. That seems to step across a boundary whereas saying she looks kickass in her derby pic's doesn't.

Back in a different age where woman were property and were busy in the kitchen that sort of thing seemed ok, but now that they're smoking cigars sitting right next to us it doesn't so much. I might be overly sensitive about this, but I also don't want to piss off / weird out my cute female friends telling them I'd fuck them given the chance.


Do You Think I Meant Country Matters? | 34 comments (34 topical, 0 hidden) | Trackback