So hi. How's it going or whatever? Long time no write and all that jazz. Things have been pretty crazy over here in schoolhouse land. At least, I have felt like things were a bit crazy. It does often feel a bit crazy around here, so that must just be normal, but it does now seem even a bit more crazy than usual, so that may actually be, a bit crazy. Yeah, I know. It's a mouthful.

On Dying
So my dad is dying of Lou Gherigs disease, also known as ALS. I don't even remember what those letters stand for in the "real" name but no one who doesn't have it (or hasn't had a family member have it) even knows the acronym so I mostly just think it's called Lou Gherigs. Anyhoo, that's been a big bite of life experience. 

My mother has been put upon the most with my dad's illness, as she lives with him and was doing most of the care taking. But really, since he started falling and gouging holes into his head last summer, stuff has been different for me as well as I help my parents a lot with stuff they need. Obviously now stuff is really different. He lost mobility in his legs months ago and at this point only has decent movement in his left arm (still finds it hard to say use a fork to pick up food from a plate) and minor movement in his right. He can still talk but it's getting much harder to understand and it fatigues him with the effort. He has to wear a diaper (as I know you all heard about it one of CBB's diaries) and be changed. Just this week he has moved to a Hospice. This has been a HUGE relief for my mom and for me too. 

The hospice is a beautiful facility made to order for palliative care. We are SO super lucky that he fits their criterion and that he got in when he did. I was initially worried he would find a reason to hate it, and though I still worry about that, it seems it may be ok. He got to take a bath in their awesome cool gurney bathtub thingy that lowers people in and then pulls them out so they can be transferred back to the bed. My dad LOVED being in the tub again. In fact, I think that's what won him over on the place. So, that's where he is now, and will be until he dies. It was strange when the ambulance (not emergency just transfer) came to take him there, when they were putting him in I was thinking, that's that then, his goodbyes to his home. It made me sad for him, he has put so much work into the house and it means so much to him. More reminders, as if I needed them, that things are just things and they come and go.

So there are whole host of things that go on when your parent is dying the most complicated is that you have to deal with all the viscera (care and where it comes from etc.) and then there is the parent who is dying and how they are doing, and then the parent who is not dying who is dealing with the death. So, lots of fun stuff. I luckily (for me I guess) have a very good view of death, that is, it doesn't frighten me to talk about it or imagine going through it (and of course you do when watching someone you care for go through it). I don't need to pretend we are not dying or that someone who is dying isn't dying. So, those things have been helpful.

On Being Me
I'm a pretty strong person and don't mind being so. Now and again I don't want to have to be strong and I think it is really hard for the people around me to know when that is. I understand that. I probably don't make it very clear (I'm not fond of not being strong, I just recognize sometimes I don't have it in me). So, you know, that's a thing. Mostly it doesn't matter (see the first sentence) but, now and again the world overwhelms me. It is unfortunate that when I'm most likely to be overwhelmed is also when most people around me are too overwhelmed to be able to recognize I need support and are in fact looking to me to be strong. I have come to terms with this, but sometimes I still don't like it. Inside I am saying, I wanted to be the one having the meltdown and screaming now, I'm the one who needs to have a crying fit. Instead I go into the bathroom and cry quietly for three minutes and then come out and pretend everything is fine. Being frustrated makes me cry sometimes. It's a funny reaction I think, I guess it must be because I let it build up.

Starting Stuff
I started a Junior Roller Derby League. It's neat. We had our second class today. So far I'm sort of doing all the lesson plans and organizing but there are a couple of other mom's who help out when we are in the class, so that's good. I had sort of been hoping for more help and hopefully as the league moves forward there will be more so that it can run as an organization on it's own not just a thing run by me. I plan on leaving in a year or two so I guess we will see where it goes.

I started running again. I'm better at it now. This is really cool and makes me really happy. I am so much more capable physically and I love it a million. Unfortunately finding time to run or workout is still something I find hard to get at the right times. But, that is all part of being a parent and I did sign up for that so I guess I just have to deal.

Sport
So I made the A team in my roller derby league. This is very cool but a bit daunting as well. We are babied in a way that makes us (the newest members) very aware of your newbie-ness. It doesn't make me bitter or anything I just feel sort of bad for not being better. Hahahaha... I said that at our last advanced practice (which was also my FIRST advanced practice as I just passed that advanced testing) that I would try and be better I felt bad that they were going into an A game with half a team of newbies. It's the way it goes as some veteran girls are out with injuries or life issues and they needed to fill out the team so we were the only choices and it's not like we suck but we don't have the experience that's for sure. Anyway, it is what it is, I'm only on one line at the moment anyway (and there are six!) so it's not like I'll be on the track that much. Although, I do wonder if those lines will be modified game day as I think that some of those veteran skaters are going to be getting really tired being in four lines (that's not a lot of down time sometimes less then a minute between jams). In any case, I am SUPER excited to be playing even if it is only in one line, it will be my first real game!

The end
Well for now. I have to go deal with school and children and my mother and the house and the Habitat Show and editing that book (shit have to move that forward!). Or, perhaps I will just sit here staring vacantly out the window. I really enjoy doing that, I'll make a great old person.