But when I was in New Jersey for two nights last week (for the New Jersey bar exam), I found myself in Whippany, which is right next to Morris Plains; the easiest route to the hotel started out from the Morris Plains train station, and my walk back to the train on Friday went to the neighboring town of Morristown. This gave me a sense for the neighborhood; a bigger picture of the land surrounding the area I walk through a couple days a week. It's nice to have that sense of place, and this emboldened me to walk to Morristown after work on Wednesday, a beautiful almost-summer day, at the end of which I was energetic and happy.
I'd read in the IHT that morning that Robert Sherman had died and so, as is often my want, I had been listening to some of his music; the Mary Poppins soundtrack is, embarassingly enough, on my iPod. Mary Poppins led, as it inevitably does for me, to the Sound of Music; a fine, fun, happy soundtrack from what was my grandmother's favorite movie.
When I was a child, I thought I understood the song 'edelweiss': it was a song, ultimately, about Captain von Trapp's love for Austria. What I didn't understand about the song, because at that age I couldn't, is that it's a song about his love for Austria, a country which he is about to leave and never see again. In that sense, it's a terribly sad song; a song about losing something you love. It is a 'goodbye' song every bit as much, and perhaps more than, 'so long farewell'.
I realized, as I walked across Cedar Knolls on Wednesday, listening to this song, that I'm homesick.
Don't get me wrong: I like New York City. I see its attraction. There is part of me which very, very much enjoys being here.
It's not home.
Maybe it will be someday. (Although my worst fear about this whole situation is that, just when it becomes home, we'll leave again). But it isn't now.
It's been about six months; I understand that this is a normal time frame for homesickness to set in. So it shouldn't be a surprise; and it isn't really; but at the same time, it's unwanted.
I'm going to California twice in the next two months; maybe that will help. Maybe that will make it worse. It's hard to say.
|< It's an institute you can't disparage | Two weeks in... >|