So today rolled around, nothing further was said, and it seemed clear to me that my services were not required or desired. I considered going to a different church (see below), but since my presence in a net chatroom was needed by 1pm, I went to the usual place.
It was odd, seeing my choir, without me, doing pretty well, thank you.
Rewind a year or so. In the middle of the winter of my discontent a request went out from the clergy to fill out a form about potential funeral arrangements, for the files at the parish. So in the unfortunate event that it was needed, the clergy would have some idea what the decedent wanted, by way of music and liturgy, for a funeral.
This was ill-timed for my psyche, but I gave it some thought. And a man who'd been part of the parish for many years, and ill for most of the time I'd known him, passed on. So I went to the funeral, and it was nice. They rang the Ten Taylors for him (one chime for each year of his life, plus some other stuff).
And so I had the odd feeling that this morning's Mass could be in many respects like my own funeral. The Palestrina setting of Sicut Cervus Desiderat ad Fontes, the first half of which was featured at my wedding. A really very nice Friedell carol. The choir precessing down the aisle, notably thin in the tenor section.
And so I haz a sad. And it's important to go with it, admit that I'm sad when I'm sad.
And so we went down to the parish hall after Mass. Normally I run the book stall during coffee hour, but the kiddies had two tables set up, one for cake and making crowns for kids (in honor of the Three Kings of Oreo Tar), and one for vending Girl Scout Cookies (I guess girls are not allowed to sell stuff door to door any more). No room to swing the doors of the bookstore.
So I stood in the corner, sipping coffee, watching the crowd dynamics unfold, without me. Not that I'm a big part of things, comma, but.
Monday last, which was the federal New Years' holiday, $J, a choral director I've worked with before, posted "Need a tenor for 11 & 15 Jan; anybody? Bueller?" So I signed up. Rehearsal on Wednesday, Mass on Sunday. Mozart's Ave Verum Corpus, which is perfection, and a very interesting setting by Luca Marenzio (late 1500s) of Tribus Miraculis that I wasn't familiar with. So I CPDL'd it and have been learning it. I'm looking forward to that, to working with $J again, and, truth be told, to singing in a place where I'm actually wanted.
Rehearsal on Wednesday should be interesting, if only for the commute to Darkest Brookline on the other side of the Charles, where parking is to die for. I considered going there this morning, but they start an hour later and it kinda eats into your day. Which, to be sure, is vacuum-packed, but there was the date with net.people at 1:00 I had to be there for. It might have been less intensely, thumb-in-your-eye, grinding in the notion that I'm really not wanted (which is not entirely true, I know that, but they're cutting the few remaining strings binding me to the life I've known).
Forgive us our trespasses, as we forgive those who trespass against us.
Some days it's a lot harder than others.
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