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By misslake (Mon Sep 05, 2011 at 08:35:29 PM EST) (all tags)
i've been thinking about this all weekend.

i think it is a really interesting question.



i think it is one of a very few questions that can generate interesting debate today. most questions you can just google and solve. no more endless late night discussions of who was in that movie, which city is larger, in what era a particular event occurred. someone just pulls out their iphone and googles.

we can all google roman military history, or google stats on the marines, but it is a synthesis of and an imagination about those facts and details that makes this an amazing question.

so i was wondering, in the spirit of a question like that of rome and the marines:

who would win in a fight... polar bear or hippopotamus?
in water or on land, or would it make a difference?

< Bleating and babbling we fell on his neck with a scream | done with book 2. waiting on book 3. >
rome vs. the marines | 43 comments (43 topical, 0 hidden) | Trackback
How cold... by ana (2.00 / 0) #1 Mon Sep 05, 2011 at 08:41:07 PM EST
is the water?

Or, for that matter, the air? 

I now know what the noise that is usually spelled "lolwhut" sounds like. --Kellnerin

10 - 15 C by misslake (2.00 / 0) #2 Mon Sep 05, 2011 at 08:44:08 PM EST
this would be neither too cold for the hippo nor too hot for the polar bear. this fight would be "fair" that is, no clear advantage given to either beast.

the bear would outperform the hippo at freezing and sub zero temperatures, and i bet the hippo would be way better at dealing with warm temperatures.

[ Parent ]
I had a brief look at the literature by ambrosen (4.00 / 1) #19 Tue Sep 06, 2011 at 09:18:59 AM EST
It seems polar bears are pretty susceptible to hyperthermia after prolonged exertion, so I suspect anything above arctic spring or autumn temperatures would be too high.

[ Parent ]
Haven't we already been thorugh this? by Driusan (4.00 / 2) #3 Mon Sep 05, 2011 at 08:50:16 PM EST
Hippo. They're fucking huge.

--
Vive le Montréal libre.
Do either of them have young ones? by toxicfur (4.00 / 1) #4 Mon Sep 05, 2011 at 09:02:45 PM EST
I'm thinking that if one or the other is protecting a cub/whatever-the-young-of-a-hippo-is-called, then that one wins, no matter what the conditions.
--
The amount of suck that you can put up with can be mind-boggling, but it only really hits you when it then ceases to suck. -- Kellnerin
hiplet? by ana (4.00 / 4) #5 Mon Sep 05, 2011 at 09:13:43 PM EST
 coltopotamus?

I now know what the noise that is usually spelled "lolwhut" sounds like. --Kellnerin

[ Parent ]
For 'hiplet' by toxicfur (4.00 / 2) #6 Mon Sep 05, 2011 at 09:14:42 PM EST
you win 5 internets.
--
The amount of suck that you can put up with can be mind-boggling, but it only really hits you when it then ceases to suck. -- Kellnerin
[ Parent ]
What a hiplet might look like: by ammoniacal (2.00 / 0) #8 Mon Sep 05, 2011 at 09:39:55 PM EST

"To this day that was the most bullshit caesar salad I have every experienced..." - triggerfinger

[ Parent ]
hippo, hands down by lm (4.00 / 1) #7 Mon Sep 05, 2011 at 09:34:09 PM EST
A small hippo is larger than a large polar bear, and far more ornery when provoked.

There is no more degenerate kind of state than that in which the richest are supposed to be the best.
Cicero, The Republic
Unless by Herring (4.00 / 3) #21 Tue Sep 06, 2011 at 09:27:57 AM EST
It's the kind that one day it's grizzly and the next day it's all-white. A bipolar bear.

/me gets coat.

christ, we're all old now - StackyMcRacky

[ Parent ]
Genius! by Breaker (2.00 / 0) #29 Tue Sep 06, 2011 at 06:53:59 PM EST
You win an internet!


[ Parent ]
Hippo. by dev trash (2.00 / 0) #9 Mon Sep 05, 2011 at 10:05:57 PM EST
A full grown healthy hippo has no natural predators.

--
I DON'T CARE ABOUT YOUR BALLS! ->clock
This is somewhat confused reasoning. by ni (4.00 / 2) #10 Mon Sep 05, 2011 at 10:29:53 PM EST
Polar bears are surprisingly uncommon in Africa.


"These days it seems like sometimes dreams of Italian hyper-gonadism are all a man's got to keep him going." -- CRwM
[ Parent ]
I will concded that they are rare in Africa by dev trash (2.00 / 0) #28 Tue Sep 06, 2011 at 06:45:24 PM EST
I must ask what makes them more deadly than say any other large native predator? 

--
I DON'T CARE ABOUT YOUR BALLS! ->clock
[ Parent ]
Addendum: by ni (4.00 / 4) #11 Mon Sep 05, 2011 at 10:35:56 PM EST
Please list the unnatural predators of the fully grown healthy hippo. Bonus points if they are "unnatural horrors", endowed with tentacles, risen from the dead or members of "The Elder Ones."


"These days it seems like sometimes dreams of Italian hyper-gonadism are all a man's got to keep him going." -- CRwM
[ Parent ]
Falling off by Oberon (2.00 / 0) #15 Tue Sep 06, 2011 at 04:28:59 AM EST
Hippos are not quite invincible. The only hippo I've seen in the wild was dead, for some reason it had walked over a cliff at Victoria Falls. Fortunately it was a long way away. I don't think I'd want to see that up close.

I'm not sure gravity counts as a predator anyway, though given the headache it seems to give fundamental physicists, it may be considered a horror of some description.


How now, mad spirit?
[ Parent ]
Hippos graze at night. by ammoniacal (2.00 / 0) #18 Tue Sep 06, 2011 at 08:48:02 AM EST
It probably didn't see the cliff's edge coming.

"To this day that was the most bullshit caesar salad I have every experienced..." - triggerfinger

[ Parent ]
That makes things more interesting by Oberon (4.00 / 1) #24 Tue Sep 06, 2011 at 10:44:02 AM EST
I thought the hippos were going to walk it -- but if the fight is at night and on uneven terrain maybe the polar bears are in with a chance. They do all that leaping between ice floes, after all, so they must be in good shape.

How now, mad spirit?
[ Parent ]
a full grown, healthy polar bear by misslake (2.00 / 0) #30 Tue Sep 06, 2011 at 07:08:03 PM EST
has no natural predators.

polar bear for the win!

[ Parent ]
close by lm (2.00 / 0) #31 Tue Sep 06, 2011 at 08:28:27 PM EST
An orca will gladly eat a fully grown healthy polar bear if given the opportunity.

Hippos on the other hand have no natural predators. Granted, this may be because their are very few orcas left in the Nile.


There is no more degenerate kind of state than that in which the richest are supposed to be the best.
Cicero, The Republic
[ Parent ]
And the few that are left in it, by mrgoat (4.00 / 1) #33 Tue Sep 06, 2011 at 09:04:03 PM EST
Well, they don't believe it.

--top hat--
[ Parent ]
Oh deary... by Vulch (4.00 / 2) #39 Wed Sep 07, 2011 at 10:38:44 AM EST
...deary me...

I'm torn between 4 and 0 for that one.


[ Parent ]
Warm polar bears by ucblockhead (4.00 / 1) #12 Mon Sep 05, 2011 at 10:45:56 PM EST
The San Diego zoo has polar bears.  Obviously San Diego is not a climate normal for polar bears.  They seemed comfortable enough, however, their fur is apparently hollow, to better serve as insulation.  There was a period when they had troubles getting rid of the algae, spurred by the warm climate, was growing in those holes.

The consequence being that these polar bears were green.
---
[ucblockhead is] useless and subhuman

I believe this question was already explored by the mariner (4.00 / 1) #13 Mon Sep 05, 2011 at 11:31:52 PM EST
Or a question much like it has already been explored by, you guessed it, <a href=http://animal.discovery.com/videos/animal-face-off-polar-bear-vs-walrus.html>the discovery channel</a>. I think if you direct your attention to the face off between the polar bear and the walrus, which I think is kind of like a hippo (caution: spoilers), the walrus wins. On the other hand, in the match up between a bull shark (which I think of as the bear of the sea) and a hippo, the hippo wins convincingly. So I'd say it's been pretty close to scientifically proven that hippo > polar bear.

I guess this is just a case of where an imaginative person might be disappointed by what he or she might've found with google.


I fucking love bull sharks. by ammoniacal (2.00 / 0) #14 Tue Sep 06, 2011 at 12:04:28 AM EST
They are the Curious George motherfuckers of the shark world. Have river, will swim.

"To this day that was the most bullshit caesar salad I have every experienced..." - triggerfinger

[ Parent ]
I do not love bull sharks by iGrrrl (2.00 / 0) #22 Tue Sep 06, 2011 at 09:52:35 AM EST
But then, I've been up close and personal with a couple that got caught in the research nets, which we needed to free without cutting the net if at all possible.

That's a lot of teeth.

"Beautiful wine, talking of scattered everythings"
(and thanks to Scrymarch)

[ Parent ]
For all your shark-swimming-in-parking-lot needs by ammoniacal (2.00 / 0) #23 Tue Sep 06, 2011 at 09:56:22 AM EST
the Bull Shark is there.

"To this day that was the most bullshit caesar salad I have every experienced..." - triggerfinger

[ Parent ]
I saw an episode of Nature a while ago by lm (2.00 / 0) #17 Tue Sep 06, 2011 at 07:49:53 AM EST
It had a starving polar bear take a long swim from an ice flow to land and, nearly dead from exhaustion, wade into a pack of walruses trying to turn one into a meal out of desperation. They managed to fight the polar bear off. Eventually the bear gave up and just laid down to die. But that was a worse case scenario for the bear. One exhausted polar bear vs. an entire pack of walruses that were in their prime.

I imagine that a polar bear that isn't nearly dead to start might manage quite well against a single walrus, especially a young one.

Also, to counter the the Discovery simulation, how about some live footage of Polar Bear vs. Walrus

Back, back the original question at hand, aside from having monster canines, hippos also have wide mouths and powerful jaws. While walruses are stuck with mere stabbing, hippos can bite as well as stab. They can charge and trample (if on land). If in water, if a hippo could get hold of a polar bear, it could pin it and just wait until it runs out of air.


There is no more degenerate kind of state than that in which the richest are supposed to be the best.
Cicero, The Republic
[ Parent ]
And this was the reason for... by atreides (4.00 / 3) #16 Tue Sep 06, 2011 at 07:05:17 AM EST
...the World Wide Web Fights, where they tackled the important questions:

Red Shirts vs. Stormtroopers?
John McClane vs. the Death Star
The French Army vs. English Soccer hooligans
A Rottweiler vs. a Rottweiler's weight in Chihuahuas?

He sails from world to world in a flying tomb, serving gods who eat hope.

I was published by those guys! by sasquatchan (2.00 / 0) #20 Tue Sep 06, 2011 at 09:25:15 AM EST
When the originals back in 94 or 95 started up, they were early comers in the blog-then-book-deal before that silly meme was even know..

[ Parent ]
I learned by garlic (2.00 / 0) #25 Tue Sep 06, 2011 at 03:34:18 PM EST
that hippo's are an invasive species in Columbia from wikipedia today.


wikipedia also says by garlic (2.00 / 0) #26 Tue Sep 06, 2011 at 03:39:14 PM EST
that polar bears can take on an adult walrus, or a beluga whale.

I feel like this whale vs hippo fight would be a draw if the bear wasn't starving -- the hippo's too big and unweildy for the bear. If the bear was starving, he may continue the fight, and probably lose.


[ Parent ]
Why would the hippo not attack the bear? by ambrosen (2.00 / 0) #27 Tue Sep 06, 2011 at 05:49:32 PM EST
They're vicious bastards 4 or 5 times the weight of a polar bear.

[ Parent ]
I'm relying by garlic (2.00 / 0) #38 Wed Sep 07, 2011 at 10:38:21 AM EST
on the polar bear not fucking around with the hippo. It looks like hippos are maniacs, so if they think you're looking at them wrong, they'd attack.


[ Parent ]
also in dwarf fortress by the mariner (2.00 / 0) #42 Wed Apr 18, 2012 at 09:35:14 PM EST
 

[ Parent ]
I should load that back up... by garlic (2.00 / 0) #43 Thu Apr 19, 2012 at 04:52:48 PM EST


[ Parent ]
Kirk vs. Picard - by mrgoat (4.00 / 1) #32 Tue Sep 06, 2011 at 09:00:24 PM EST
In a bake-off.

Advanced version.

--top hat--

No contest! by ni (4.00 / 1) #34 Tue Sep 06, 2011 at 09:21:45 PM EST
When was the last time you saw Kirk take the slightest interest in food (discounting women, which are a sort of Picardian food group). Picard would trounce him.


"These days it seems like sometimes dreams of Italian hyper-gonadism are all a man's got to keep him going." -- CRwM
[ Parent ]
Agreed! by mrgoat (4.00 / 1) #35 Tue Sep 06, 2011 at 09:27:32 PM EST
Bruce Schneier vs. Lando Calrissian: Hand-drawn flipbook?

--top hat--
[ Parent ]
Slow or fast speed? by ni (4.00 / 1) #36 Tue Sep 06, 2011 at 09:33:31 PM EST
At slow speeds, viewers would appreciate Schneier's carefully labeled sequential prime page numbers. At high speeds, Calrissian's[1] general flair and sex appeal show reveal themselves in his, uh, stylized animations, which prove irresistible to women.

[1] Did you know that wikipedia thinks he's a "fictional character"!?


"These days it seems like sometimes dreams of Italian hyper-gonadism are all a man's got to keep him going." -- CRwM

[ Parent ]
Excellent analysis. by mrgoat (4.00 / 1) #37 Tue Sep 06, 2011 at 09:45:53 PM EST
I'll call that one a tie.

[1]In fact, he and Han Solo constitute the only non-fictional characters in the entire trilogy.[2]

[2]There were only three Star Wars movies.

--top hat--

[ Parent ]
Wiki must be confused by lm (2.00 / 0) #40 Thu Sep 08, 2011 at 07:56:06 AM EST
I think it is Schneier that is actually the fictional character.

There is no more degenerate kind of state than that in which the richest are supposed to be the best.
Cicero, The Republic
[ Parent ]
Typo by Herring (2.00 / 0) #41 Thu Sep 08, 2011 at 10:14:48 AM EST
Polar bear versus hippy?

christ, we're all old now - StackyMcRacky
rome vs. the marines | 43 comments (43 topical, 0 hidden) | Trackback