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By CheeseburgerBrown (Fri Aug 19, 2011 at 11:29:56 AM EST) (all tags)
This is the oldest I have ever been...now. Oh wait -- I mean now.

I am so old.

Here are twenty things I think now that show how I'm really old:


1) Everything is too noisy. Seriously, people should just shut up. They shouldn't talk, because when they do they are tedious and boring, and when they're not talking they certainly shouldn't play their pop music to fill the void. Nobody likes pop music.

2) Nobody reads enough. It's cool when you can argue from first principles and come up with something that was really ground-breaking two and half thousand years ago, but I'd appreciate it if we could move the conversion into territory less trod. Why not try reading up on what you're spouting off about first, to avoid re-runs? Time is money, kid.

3) It's not all in the book. Your extensive studies are not, in fact, a substitute for experience. I regret that my explicatory powers are too meagre to prove this to you academically; I recommend learning it from the world. Please report back in a decade and we'll see if you haven't progressed.

4) You're driving too fast. Just slow the fuck down. It's dangerous. Plus patience is a virtue. You'll get there when you get there. Your car is a weapon: respect it. Being mangled doesn't actually cut that much time off your trip. Also, scaring other drivers is rude.

5) Use profanity tactfully. It's hard to take you seriously, you dumb garbage-mouthed son of a bitch.

6) It is more dignified to tolerate indignity with equanimity than it is to rail against it in defense of your dignity. Fresh people have trouble swallowing this, but it's a fact.

7) Spelling counts. Reliance on spellcheck for any sense of coherency in your writing infantilizes you as much as uptalking. We, your fellow apes, are judging your cerebral vigour largely on your use of language whether it is a reasonable proxy for your abilities or not.

8) You're not cynical, you're depressed. Cynicism feigned by young people is embarrassing to everyone in the room. We don't know where to look. Just call yourself a "pessimist" and be done with it -- being world-weary can't be easily faked.

9) My interest in what you're saying is inversely proportional to your use of the first person pronoun. Also, why not simply consider shutting up? (q.v. #1)

10) Europeans and cool people eat dinner too late. Myself, I get a bit peckish right after my nap. Plus nobody wants to dream about having to fart.

11) All of this has happened before. They have a plan.

12) New things are pointless and unnecessarily complex. I don't trust the cloud, and I never will. Look at me shaking my fist angrily at it. Up yours, cloud!

13) Prudishness is a waste of time. You only get so many decades for fucking, people. Let's not lolligag and blush when we could be coupling. Stop judging other people's sexiness or licentiousness or and just pet something heavily already.

14) It isn't cellulite, it's joie de vivre. I'm jolly, motherfucker.

15) There's nothing wrong with cougars. Everybody needs a little loving, even leather-faced Delilahs.

16) Breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Coffee is not a meal. Your ass hates you.

17) Anti-anxiety is a skill, not a pill. Band-aids help but they don't heal.

18) Peace trumps righteousness. Can't we all just get along, even you nice folks who are so hopelessly incorrect about everything?

19) Your career will never love you. So don't love it too much.

20) Smell is for time travelling not complaining. Don't judge the air, just savour it. It's your ticket out of the assisted care centre later on.


< Gawd bless our wonderful NHS | Still Ent Ded. >
Like A Fine Whiskey | 41 comments (41 topical, 0 hidden) | Trackback
I eat dinner fashionably late. by ammoniacal (4.00 / 1) #1 Fri Aug 19, 2011 at 12:19:26 PM EST
Totally stealing #17. I may credit you.

"To this day that was the most bullshit caesar salad I have every experienced..." - triggerfinger

Six Cents A Word by CheeseburgerBrown (4.00 / 2) #2 Fri Aug 19, 2011 at 12:31:37 PM EST
I pretty much agree with you by StackyMcRacky (4.00 / 2) #3 Fri Aug 19, 2011 at 12:41:51 PM EST
OH GOD, I'M OLD!

Two brave souls have rated this comment so far by marvin (4.00 / 1) #10 Fri Aug 19, 2011 at 03:59:14 PM EST
Sorry, but it appears to be a trap, just like "Do these pants make my ass look big"? The only winning strategy is to not play at all.

[ Parent ]
some pants DO make your ass look big by StackyMcRacky (4.00 / 3) #11 Fri Aug 19, 2011 at 04:00:59 PM EST
it's good to know when it happens, so you can get rid of the pants.

[ Parent ]
but you see the dilemma for the menfolk, right? by marvin (4.00 / 1) #12 Fri Aug 19, 2011 at 04:30:53 PM EST
Some women do not appreciate, ah, honesty, the same way you do. And sleeping on the couch is never fun.

[ Parent ]
I don't know about that by notafurry (4.00 / 1) #15 Fri Aug 19, 2011 at 05:55:24 PM EST
We have a pretty awesome couch.

[ Parent ]
Sofa... by CheeseburgerBrown (4.00 / 1) #34 Mon Aug 22, 2011 at 10:15:04 AM EST
no dilemma by StackyMcRacky (2.00 / 0) #17 Fri Aug 19, 2011 at 11:47:09 PM EST
although i will admit it's a lot of work to try to stay away from such f'd up women.  see my issues with my mother as an example.

[ Parent ]
Pro Tip: Don't Marry That Kind. by CheeseburgerBrown (2.00 / 0) #35 Mon Aug 22, 2011 at 10:16:53 AM EST
Also, invest in a fancier couch. Are you not a man of the West? If cower you must, at least cower in comfort.

With drink holders and a swing-up dealie for your legs and a built-in electric blanket and dispenser for loneliness cream.


Science-fiction wallah, storytelling gorilla, man wearing a hat: Cheeseburger Brown.
[ Parent ]
Streetpeople With Big Bums Salute You by CheeseburgerBrown (2.00 / 0) #33 Mon Aug 22, 2011 at 10:12:40 AM EST
Age Isn't Awful An Insult by CheeseburgerBrown (2.00 / 0) #32 Mon Aug 22, 2011 at 10:11:56 AM EST
I hate assuming it is. I'd rather not give people baggage they're not necessarily carrying.


Science-fiction wallah, storytelling gorilla, man wearing a hat: Cheeseburger Brown.
[ Parent ]
First digit rollover? by marvin (2.00 / 0) #4 Fri Aug 19, 2011 at 12:50:30 PM EST
Got one of those coming up next week myself.

Me too by LoppEar (4.00 / 1) #6 Fri Aug 19, 2011 at 02:04:39 PM EST
it wouldn't be a big deal if people didn't keep making it a big deal for me..


[ Parent ]
I Hate Birthday Fuss by CheeseburgerBrown (2.00 / 0) #31 Mon Aug 22, 2011 at 10:10:14 AM EST
If Jokey tries to give me an exploding box, I'm totally throwing his punk-ass clear out of the village.


Science-fiction wallah, storytelling gorilla, man wearing a hat: Cheeseburger Brown.
[ Parent ]
Not Heavily Into Numerology by CheeseburgerBrown (4.00 / 1) #30 Mon Aug 22, 2011 at 10:09:33 AM EST
I have no anniversaries near, and the next one isn't a doozy.

They're just numbers.

The sigh-like noise my neurology makes as it settles into a sinewy hammock of slow decay, on the other hand, is very actual.


Science-fiction wallah, storytelling gorilla, man wearing a hat: Cheeseburger Brown.
[ Parent ]
Yeah, getting old here too. by lolwhat (4.00 / 1) #5 Fri Aug 19, 2011 at 01:27:24 PM EST
And it's amazing just how many people are passive-aggressive these days.
--
If cigarette packs are required to have pictures of diseased lungs, college brochures should be required to have photos of grads working at Starbucks.
Is That New? by CheeseburgerBrown (2.00 / 0) #29 Mon Aug 22, 2011 at 10:07:25 AM EST
I hadn't been aware that passive-aggressive behaviour was a recent innovation.


Science-fiction wallah, storytelling gorilla, man wearing a hat: Cheeseburger Brown.
[ Parent ]
Oooh... by Gedvondur (4.00 / 1) #7 Fri Aug 19, 2011 at 02:37:21 PM EST
I'm gonna vote for the French one in the poll, 'cause I'm too American to know what it means.


"So I will be hitting the snatch hard, I think, tonight." - gzt
Are you talking about the last one? by marvin (2.00 / 0) #8 Fri Aug 19, 2011 at 03:34:03 PM EST
That's not French. Never heard of the maritimes?

[ Parent ]
It was just a joke, son. Just a joke. n/t by Gedvondur (2.00 / 0) #9 Fri Aug 19, 2011 at 03:36:24 PM EST


"So I will be hitting the snatch hard, I think, tonight." - gzt
[ Parent ]
The maritimes? by Driusan (2.00 / 0) #18 Sat Aug 20, 2011 at 11:10:37 AM EST
You mean dat place der where dey speak french?

--
Vive le Montréal libre.
[ Parent ]
It's like the bayous, but north by marvin (2.00 / 0) #19 Sat Aug 20, 2011 at 02:25:04 PM EST
Fewer crayfish, more lobsters.

[ Parent ]
They Have A French, Too! by CheeseburgerBrown (2.00 / 0) #28 Mon Aug 22, 2011 at 10:02:30 AM EST
The French One Says "French" In It by CheeseburgerBrown (2.00 / 0) #27 Mon Aug 22, 2011 at 10:01:54 AM EST
The dead giveaway is the use of a pork product as a personal pronoun.


Science-fiction wallah, storytelling gorilla, man wearing a hat: Cheeseburger Brown.
[ Parent ]
prudishness by dmg (4.00 / 1) #13 Fri Aug 19, 2011 at 04:42:25 PM EST
Is just one of the most unattractive characteristics.
--
dmg - HuSi's most dimwitted overprivileged user.
It's a Waste of Valuable Time by CheeseburgerBrown (4.00 / 1) #26 Mon Aug 22, 2011 at 10:00:13 AM EST
That's why Sir Isaac Newton died with that sour look pursed into his lips.


Science-fiction wallah, storytelling gorilla, man wearing a hat: Cheeseburger Brown.
[ Parent ]
Heh. by Breaker (4.00 / 1) #14 Fri Aug 19, 2011 at 05:18:45 PM EST
Happy Birthday, CBB.

I hope you have a great time with your lovely kids, then leave the old olds in charge whilst you have a great time with your lovely wife.


It's My Unbirthday, You Insensitive Clod by CheeseburgerBrown (2.00 / 0) #25 Mon Aug 22, 2011 at 09:59:23 AM EST
I will be old tomorrow by jimgon (2.00 / 0) #16 Fri Aug 19, 2011 at 09:38:15 PM EST
And I agree with pretty much everything you wrote.  Damn you. 




---------------
Technician - "We can't even get decent physical health care. Mental health is like witchcraft here."
Please Note: by CheeseburgerBrown (2.00 / 0) #24 Mon Aug 22, 2011 at 09:58:43 AM EST
If I ever post one of these things that include any version of "a young man is a liberal if he has any heart, and an old man a conservative if he has any brains" please understand that it is my eager wish to be exterminated immediately in the messiest way possible.

Thank you.


Science-fiction wallah, storytelling gorilla, man wearing a hat: Cheeseburger Brown.
[ Parent ]
intellect and romance over brute force and cynicis by garlic (2.00 / 0) #36 Mon Aug 22, 2011 at 10:50:13 AM EST
m.


[ Parent ]
What Beats That? by CheeseburgerBrown (2.00 / 0) #37 Mon Aug 22, 2011 at 10:56:40 AM EST
You have a contract by jimgon (2.00 / 0) #40 Mon Aug 22, 2011 at 08:29:45 PM EST
I'm pretty sure I can elude the Mounties long enough to get away.  After all they're Canadian.




---------------
Technician - "We can't even get decent physical health care. Mental health is like witchcraft here."
[ Parent ]
people should just shut up by BadDoggie (4.00 / 1) #20 Sat Aug 20, 2011 at 04:24:49 PM EST
You could have stopped there.

One of my RL friends discovered your writing a couple of weeks ago. She's two levels of management above me so this could be... interesting.

woof.

Jesus Christ you're a tool -- Dr Thrustgood

BadDoggie Is A Loyal Minion by CheeseburgerBrown (2.00 / 0) #23 Mon Aug 22, 2011 at 09:56:41 AM EST
Once, when I asked BadDoggie if I should steal a company pen he not only said no but paid for me to sent away to a special camp for relearning what I had inadvertently unlearned.

Man -- what a worker!


Science-fiction wallah, storytelling gorilla, man wearing a hat: Cheeseburger Brown.
[ Parent ]
No, you shut up [n/t] by Herring (2.00 / 0) #41 Tue Aug 23, 2011 at 10:34:11 AM EST


christ, we're all old now - StackyMcRacky
[ Parent ]
This whole list is genius. by technician (4.00 / 1) #21 Sun Aug 21, 2011 at 04:23:21 PM EST
I dunno, but I've always suspected Gandalf as a 20 year old was an insufferable douche.

Also Cruising For a Smack: by CheeseburgerBrown (4.00 / 2) #22 Mon Aug 22, 2011 at 09:55:08 AM EST
Pop music really *is* dreadful by Bob Abooey (4.00 / 1) #38 Mon Aug 22, 2011 at 04:51:02 PM EST
~nt~

Warmest regards,
--Your best pal Bob

How's my blogging: Call me at 209.867.5309 to complain.

I Know, Eh? by CheeseburgerBrown (4.00 / 1) #39 Mon Aug 22, 2011 at 04:56:49 PM EST
Like A Fine Whiskey | 41 comments (41 topical, 0 hidden) | Trackback