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from the place I find myself, is a highway.

It's a good road, gets people from here to there (well, not here, here, and, come to think of it, not there there, either). But if you start where it starts, and you want to go, or are destined to be, where it ends up, it's as good a way as any to travel.

It's a dangerous business, as Bilbo Baggins reminded his nephew, going out your front door. The lane outside is a tributary of that great road, and before you know it, you've lost your footing, lost your way.

You've ended up going where everybody else is going, whether that's where you need to be or not. And then this road, like many modern roads, divided in the middle, loses the divider, and you find that the other side is not for people going the other way, because nobody does go the other way. There's someone over there, going your way, to your destination.

And it's the easiest thing in the world; it's the hardest thing in the world, it's just the only thing in your world, going where you're going with this other, this significant other, who's going your way.

A digression. A day or two ago ni forwarded to me an e-mail sent to him by mistake, about a Singles Life class at a church somewhere. Here it is, expurgated slightly:

Hey folks,

 I talked to most of you during Sunday service last week. I just wanted to remind you about our class on Sunday mornings at 1000.

 K---- (my wife) and I usually buy doughnuts for the class, so come hungry! We are going through the book of Romans right now, having a great time learning about what Christ has done and is currently doing for us.

We'd love to have you come attend.

Hope to see you tomorrow!

J---- C----
Singles Life Class Teacher.

Cute, isn't it? The subliminal message is: Singles Life is led by a married couple, and the guy finds it necessary to allude to his status in the most gratuitous way. I got over it! And you can too!


Anyway. There are people in this world who are, by choice or necessity, going other directions, in other ways. Unconnected, it may be. And the herding of people toward the One True Life Narrative is really beyond not helpful.

There are other True Life Narratives one can choose. Today (miserable wet cold day for June) Boston had their annual Pride Parade. I went down for it, for the first time. Found a place that wasn't too crowded, watched a Boston Cop keep a would-be motorist stopped at a side street for half an hour, just because he's a cop and there's a parade coming, sometime. Anyway. After a while the parade arrived. Motorcycle clubs, high schools, clinics, other businesses strutting their Alternative True Life Narratives. Including, (makes the heard glad, as one religious publication used to put it; anybody know if Hillspeak is still in business?) a float containing Tom Shaw, the Episcopal Bishop of Massachusetts, with a lot of walkers around it. Followed by walkers including Bishop Gene Robinson (first openly gay bishop in the Episcopal church) from New Hampshire.

And then, partly because of the wet, and partly because... Well, why? Maybe that's the point of what I'm writing. I turned away, came home, changed out of my wet things, and had a nap with my kitty in my lap.

You see, I'm not going your way. I'm not going anybody else's way, either. Been there, tried that, hit the barrier. If I'm going anywhere, it's backing down the driveway, very quietly, with the tail lights off, in the wee hours of a very dark night. In the rain. Absolutely alone.

One thing the internet is good for, with its social networking and its search engines, is firmly denying the I'm the only one narrative. Alas, my google-foo fails me. I don't know if the Venn diagram of the various constraints and attributes allows of any intersection. Even for me.

So I think I walked through the Common in the rain, alone, past the abandoned carousel, with the sounds of distant revelry in my ears, because my search for a tribe, for my people, has fallen short. Again. As it always has. As, I suppose, it always must. Except the once, and while I'm grateful for that, it's not... what, exactly? It's just not.

"Happy Pride!" the kids called out to any and all.

No. But thanks for the wish.
< Attn: Cunts of SE5 | A policy of non-intervention? >
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Going your way? No by curmudgeon (4.00 / 1) #1 Sun Jun 12, 2011 at 12:51:03 AM EST
Only you are going your way.  Only I am going my way.  The road I'm on, most of it is my own choosing, I know.  I've handled obstacles it seems mainly by lifing them and carrying them with me.  I know there are other roads, other paths i can take, other ways to deal with the obstacles.  And yet, I'm afraid, I think, to change paths, to try an uncertain way.  The path I'm on is very difficult, but I know the path.  Those other paths, I'm not at all sure where they lead and some I'm certain lead to far worse paths than the one I'm on.  There isn't a one certain to lead to a better path.
Get over it.
Funny you wrote this by yankeehack (4.00 / 2) #2 Sun Jun 12, 2011 at 12:19:09 PM EST
On Friday night, I drove LO to her latest paramour's house. The family lives in a neighborhood of $500k 4+ bedroom colonials, complete with manicured lawns, minivans in the driveway and kids running around. Typical upper middle class suburbia.

Every time I go into that neighborhood, a piece of my soul dies. You see, my parents are more than disappointed that I'm not living in a place like that. Driving past each house, I wonder if these people are happy really.

"Goddamnit LO," I say, "I can't wait to get out of here and move to San Francisco." "Mom," LO replies as she looks out the window at the houses, "this place is so boring. I see myself in a city, don't you?"
"...she dares to indulge in the secret sport. You can't be a MILF with the F, at least in part because the M is predicated upon it."-CBB

Cool by Merekat (4.00 / 1) #6 Mon Jun 13, 2011 at 02:28:18 AM EST
Urban Gilmore girls:)

[ Parent ]
Don't fool yourself. by Tonatiuh (2.00 / 0) #8 Tue Jun 14, 2011 at 06:49:20 AM EST
Some of those people are actually quite happy... some aren't.

May the world continue to be such an interesting and unpredictable place.

[ Parent ]
True by yankeehack (2.00 / 0) #9 Tue Jun 14, 2011 at 08:46:18 AM EST
but how boring a place the world would be if everyone aspired to live in the suburbs.
"...she dares to indulge in the secret sport. You can't be a MILF with the F, at least in part because the M is predicated upon it."-CBB
[ Parent ]
No intersections? by Merekat (4.00 / 1) #3 Sun Jun 12, 2011 at 01:08:28 PM EST
Really? Every word that drops from your keyboard to our eyes is a connection.

Or just none where it is very important you find some right now?

Pride day by lm (4.00 / 1) #4 Sun Jun 12, 2011 at 01:36:49 PM EST
The public perception of pride marches by the gay community has shifted quite a bit over the last few decades. As a teen, I marched in one to support my mom. Most people (whether in the parade, watching the parade, or protesting the parade) just assumed that if I had anything to do with the parade, I must be gay.

Now that my children are teens, most of the kids at their respective schools see the parades as little more than good fun. A few still see it as a political statement. One of my daughter's friends was pissed off at her father for scheduling her graduation party on the same day so she couldn't attend. I can't imagine a straight kid being upset about that twentty years ago.

Being on the periphery of the lesbian community when I was a teen was interesting. I once met a lady that might have sent an email like the one ni forwarded to you. My mom took me to a gay bar to watch her lover's band play. A older woman (from the perspective of a 14/15 year boy) came up to me, gave me a piece of paper with her name and phone number on it and said that if I ever wanted help getting out of that lifestyle that she could find me help. It took me quite some time to figure out what was going on. (Which may have had something to do with me being stoned off of second hand marijuana smoke.) My mom's lover remarked that the woman was very brave to put herself into that sort of situation. I didn't get what sort of situation she was going on about.

Completely changing the topic, the tone in this diary reminds me of the tone in a diary before ana `came out' on k5. I can't remember the title or even the approximate date. The narrative presented a halfalogue of ana on the phone, transposing her thoughts against her statements. At the end was the question, 'what am i?'

That bit of writing has haunted me all these years. It's pretty powerful stuff.

There is no more degenerate kind of state than that in which the richest are supposed to be the best.
Cicero, The Republic
Thanks... by ana (2.00 / 0) #5 Sun Jun 12, 2011 at 05:01:10 PM EST
I have vague memories of writing such a diary, but I can't find it based on your description. Ah, well.

"And this ... is a piece of Synergy." --Kellnerin

[ Parent ]
It's something of a trend. by Phage (2.00 / 0) #7 Mon Jun 13, 2011 at 05:39:43 AM EST
I've said this before; I have never met anyone in RL who comes close to my psychology as some of the people here.

Not your way, but I can see your path from here.

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