Print Story in the midst of an existential crisis....
Diary
By Rantingredhead (Fri Mar 11, 2011 at 03:51:04 PM EST) (all tags)
move along.

nothing to see here. 

(pity party inside; only the kind should enter...)


 i have no idea what i want to do with my life.  really. none.  i'm 41. i'm single. no kids. my cat of 19 years died last april.  so i'm pretty alone. I have no family close by (not close with them anyway so it's probably for the best.) i have a masters degree in education.  i've been everything from an executive assistant at Ma$or Cable Company in NYC to a waitress at Friendly's.  failed as a teacher.  failed at owning a business. I have loved and lost more times that I can even remember (and really don't want to try).  I've shagged random men, I've fallen in love, I've traveled (not nearly as much as i should).   I struggle with depression and thinking I'm never going to be good enough, never going to make enough money, fall in L-O-V-E.  I've had money and lost it all.  i'm constantly broke and have no idea how to manage money.  I go back and forth between spirituality enlightened and taking too many self-help seminars.  sometimes i "get it" and life goes along on a good path (eating right, exercising, generally overall coasting-along happy).  and then...something happens. i start to listen to the monkeys in my head...the negative ones...and i go right back to square one.

i have a best friend. he is my rock. he lives 3,000 miles away.  it's a great relationship. and no, we'll never be together - we know each other too well.  he's my analyst, my processor, my "guy" to go to when i need advice.  we talk at least a few times a day.  we get each other and i know i'd probably be in an asylum if it weren't for him being able to talk me off the figurative ledge.  he knows me better than anyone, including myself.  and visa versa.  but since we are best friends part of the issue is we are going through the same thing at the same time - hard to see through the fog if its the same fog everyone is looking through. make sense?  

i don't know what i want to do with my life.  i've had "off" of life for the last few months and have totally reinvented my life.  i left a bad relationship, got physically and emotionally more healthy, quit my job and decided to move.  i've had a LOT of things change and i know i need to give myself a break to a degree.  but there is this nagging part of me that keeps playing the tape in my head:

now what.

now what indeed.  now what do i do? i own a small business which i love but know i can't make a living at.  i am a nanny for 2 tween girls with a mom who is kinda a control freak but is tolerable once we work out the kinks.  they pay me stupid money to cart the girls around from activity to activity.  (the only issue these days is the astronomical gas prices...i commute 35 miles each direction and all my "money" that i was going to be "saving" isn't being saved....but there are not jobs like this near where i live for the same kind of money).

and my living situation: i moved into my friends basement.  it's not as horrible as it sounds but there are consequences.  she's an old friend from my teen years whom i reconnected with via FB.  she has a big house with a small finished area in the basement and offered it to me since she knew i was miserable where i was living. "come, move in the basement for as long as you need. find a job, save some money get yourself out of there."  so without much thinking i got the hell out of dodge and i landed here.  

still.  with no idea what i want to do.

i feel like i have no purpose, no passion for anything any more.  there is nothing that i've thought about that makes me go "YES! I want to do THAT for a living!"  I feel like i'm missing something, like there is some kind of SOMETHING that i'll go, "THAT"S IT!"

and it hasn't come. and i don't know what i'm waiting for, like a lightenbolt strike, or someone to show up on my doorstep and say "I'm here to rescue you."

Cause that's what it feels like.  perhaps that's the dirty little secret: i don't wanna do the work. i want it all handed to me on a silver platter.

god, i make me sick.

and yet, i know better than that. i know that when you do the work, you get the payoff.  life if good. life works.  it might not be perfect but i'm happy.

happy.

what a relative term. 

some things make me happy.  the beach. maple ice cream.  amazing, screaming, raging orgasms. the velvety fuzz of a puppies ear. oreos. singing. laughing. the sun on my face on the first real warm day when you know you're going to have a string of warm days following. my lovers breath on my neck, waiting in anticipation for contact.  applause. being with people who love me (so few of those these days....i've been feeling very lonely since i've moved since i don't really have an intimate relationships down here - and i don't mean sex because i've managed plenty of that thankyouverymuch). 

anyway, i digress.

i know i'm rambling. i'm not even sure i make any sense.  i'm gonna post this fucker and read it afterwards.

be kind, ok?

< It's been that long | The five year thing >
in the midst of an existential crisis.... | 7 comments (7 topical, 0 hidden) | Trackback
Lists by Breaker (2.00 / 0) #1 Fri Mar 11, 2011 at 04:50:37 PM EST
Work for me.  List 5 things that are bad in your life, 5 things that are good in your life.

List how you're going to change those 5 bad things, not necessarily overnight or completely, but little steps towards making them better. 

List how you're going to build on those 5 good things, maybe make it 6, maybe make it 4 brilliant things.

You can't do everything all at once, but make a little plan, of say 3 things to do this month and put it on your fridge door.  Each morning, have a look at it and see what you can do that day to bring those 3 things closer.

Soon enough you'll get to cross one out - done and dusted.  When you hit that magic point where all 3 are excised, write another three and put it on your fridge door.

Worked for me; maybe it will for you.

In the meantime, /pinthug.


unsolicited advice by lm (2.00 / 0) #2 Fri Mar 11, 2011 at 05:18:13 PM EST
Stop looking for "YES! I want to do THAT for a living!" and start looking for ""YES! I want to do THAT."

Many THATs don't provide a living but are nevertheless worth finding a way to make a living in order to do.


There is no more degenerate kind of state than that in which the richest are supposed to be the best.
Cicero, The Republic
I am not a therapist by tuscoops (2.00 / 0) #3 Fri Mar 11, 2011 at 06:04:47 PM EST
My family (all pretty much crazy in various ways) have told me at one time or another I should be, given my advice to them over the years. My psychology professors told me it was my "calling"  (I lived a pretty closely examined and wildly varied life and once you're familiar with the concepts, it's fairly easy to make logical jumps from there). A couples therapist I saw last year suggested it (after reviewing my level of "insanity" of course). Even my hospice coordinator said it's my "natural" gift. But in all honesty? With all due respect to those who do it for a living, it is not what I want to be paid for. I admit, advising people is something that I do naturally and if my words can bring comfort to others I am all for it, but if it is my "gift" I would rather give it away for free than profit from it. That being said for two reasons:

1. Just because something comes "naturally" to you or easily to you, doesn't mean it is your life's passion. In listing the things that make you happy, I would say you leaned more toward the kinesthetic side (you derive pleasure from things that make you feel). Jobs related to such could include physical therapist, painter, jeweler, gardener, etc. You can find more by searching for "kinesthetic careers" and see if any of them suit your fancy, or just look for inspiration in your daily life- seek out new interests, opportunities, activities, etc. Most things worth doing aren't things that we think we "should" do, but rather things we are inspired to do.

2. I know this is a popular subject here lately, but you might want to consider talking to a therapist. They can help you determine if the "monkeys" in your head are something that can be quieted long enough that you don't live your life running in circles (or back at square one). Consider it the same as if you were treating a cough. Sometimes they mean absolutely nothing, go away on their own, and everything is fine. Other times they are persistent, for little to no known reason, and prevent you from thinking clearly. Either way, it won't hurt to see someone to find out.


I'm here to rescue you. by ammoniacal (2.00 / 0) #4 Fri Mar 11, 2011 at 06:31:59 PM EST
If you don't need to use your car to ferry the brats around town, then ditch the car and pick up a gas-saving scooter. It's a smart long-term move.

"To this day that was the most bullshit caesar salad I have every experienced..." - triggerfinger

Advice from an existentialist. by me0w (2.00 / 0) #5 Sat Mar 12, 2011 at 09:51:38 AM EST
"L'enfer, c'est les autres," - Jean-Paul Sartre

Words to live by I tell ya.


"the only reason we PMS is because our uterus is screaming at our brain to go out, get fucked, and have a baby ... and it makes us angry."

I think by tuscoops (2.00 / 0) #6 Sat Mar 12, 2011 at 12:13:39 PM EST
It would reasonable to argue, with greatest amusement of course, that if "Hell is other people", then "Purgatory is other people just like you".


[ Parent ]
(Comment Deleted) by mellow teletubby (2.00 / 0) #7 Sat Mar 12, 2011 at 01:20:07 PM EST

This comment has been deleted by mellow teletubby



in the midst of an existential crisis.... | 7 comments (7 topical, 0 hidden) | Trackback