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By sugar spun (Sat Feb 26, 2011 at 12:49:04 PM EST) (all tags)
asked me if I wasn't bored on maternity leave and wondered how I filled my time. It made me think a bit because a few days earlier someone on the expat forum asked what stay at home parents "should" do and do do all day.

This is how I answered.

Let's take two standard days, yesterday and today.

Yesterday I woke up feeling so grotty that my lovely husband took the toddler to her regular Gymboree music class (normally I would take her). Other than my skipped normal task, I:
  • Uploaded some photos
  • Made bread
  • Caught up on email
  • Went through my clothes and got rid of things that don't fit post-baby
  • Sorted the pile of crap in the bottom of the wardrobe
  • Did one of the lessons in my continuing professional development course
  • Dishes
  • Quick token clean of the fridge
  • Confirmed collection of the newest (feline) addition to the household
  • Laundry
  • Tidied toys away (at least five times)
  • Sorted and boxed the outgrown toys for storage
  • Vacuumed everywhere
  • Banking stuff DE><UK
  • Updated the toddler's interactive toy with new songs
  • Followed up on an astray online order
  • Sorted and took out the cardboard recycling
  • Took out some other random crap
  • Photographed some stuff for ebay
  • Uploaded 15 items to Turbo Lister for later ebay upload
  • Amused the toddler while she was at home
  • Read her about seven books, about thirty four times each
  • Fed her
  • Bathed her
And then today:
  • More dishes, about seven loads because I also
  • Made potato scones
  • Made marmalade
  • Made garlic bread
  • Made dinner
  • Tidied the toys away, repeatedly
  • Went to the supermarket, toddler in tow
  • Sorted and got rid of all clear glass, battery and plastic recycling, again with toddler
  • Bought a blouse I needed while singing inanely to the toddler trapped in the pushchair to keep her from mayhem
  • Assembled the cat tree
  • Pondered and researched the travel options for the wedding we're off to in June
  • Amused the toddler with books, games, chasing and an inspired monologue about trams and buses while waiting for the lights to change
  • Fed her
  • Bathed her (bonus shower in the middle of the day after a truly hideous poonami)
  • Laundry, related directly to the above
and it is not yet 7pm; I still need to do the dishes from dinner, do another lesson from my professional development course, put some more stuff on Turbo Lister and tidy the toys away when the marauding toddler is safely in bed. I will also need to attempt to find our feline acquisition, currently in hiding somewhere around.

So no, thank you for asking. I'm not bored. And I manage to fill my time quite well.

I'd never really given much thought to what people do when they don't work, but I feel like I've never worked harder and much to my surprise I find I enjoy it. I'm also looking forward to a return to gainful employment, but I can see why people do this.
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Someone I know | 48 comments (48 topical, 0 hidden) | Trackback
I, on the other hand by LilFlightTest (2.00 / 0) #1 Sat Feb 26, 2011 at 01:43:41 PM EST
find myself quite annoyed because while my husband is home all day, I still come home to piles of dirty dishes, laundry, no dinner, and toys and clothes everywhere. I then spend my evening trying to have some quality time with my baby, and then cooking dinner for us, followed by a quick shower and bed...leaving no time for cleaning. There's a reason our house looks horrible.
---------
if de-virgination results in me being able to birth hammerhead sharks, SIGN ME UP!!! --misslake


It's only quite recently I can do this by sugar spun (2.00 / 0) #2 Sat Feb 26, 2011 at 02:48:01 PM EST
when the toddler was a roller and a crawler I spent most of my time focussed on her and wasn't able to get anything done. Now she is happy to potter around the kitchen while I'm in there carrying potatoes from one bag to another (I don't know why she does it) or sit and bash the plastic recycling against itself.

If I had spare time when she was smaller I either sat still feeling vaguely shell-shocked or took a shower. Having said that, I was always on top of the laundry and dishes and we had an intermittent (fairly useless but better than nothing) cleaner for the first few months.

[ Parent ]

babies nap by LilFlightTest (2.00 / 0) #5 Sat Feb 26, 2011 at 06:10:31 PM EST
you have no idea how frustrated I was when I came home from work, asked how our boy had been that day, and hubby says "he took a 5 hour nap!". I took a look around at the mounds of laundry and dishes and asked what he did during that time...had he said he also slept, that would have been fine, but no....he dicked around on the internet the whole time.

I love that he's staying home to take care of our son, but.
---------
if de-virgination results in me being able to birth hammerhead sharks, SIGN ME UP!!! --misslake
[ Parent ]

I would rage. by sugar spun (4.00 / 1) #14 Sun Feb 27, 2011 at 05:00:10 AM EST
What I find is that if I ask for BD to clean up/clean the house he has no idea what I mean or where to start and so I come home and he's made a couple of neat piles of stuff and vacuumed. But if I ask if he can throw the laundry in or do the dishes it's a concrete enough task that he can do it. I think most couples have different comfort levels when it comes to mess and cleanliness; BD doesn't see mess when it's bad enough to me that I am almost in tears of frustration.

[ Parent ]

same here by LilFlightTest (2.00 / 0) #16 Sun Feb 27, 2011 at 09:48:31 AM EST
but at times if I say "please put the reds in the washer" it doesn't get done, and I get frustrated.
---------
if de-virgination results in me being able to birth hammerhead sharks, SIGN ME UP!!! --misslake
[ Parent ]

Sounds familiar by Merekat (2.00 / 0) #17 Sun Feb 27, 2011 at 10:11:47 AM EST
He would do it if he could see it, but somehow he can't see it.
Housework makes me feel utterly hateful. I detest it almost to the point of nausea so in the end, I got fed up of being the one doing most of it and hired a cleaner.

[ Parent ]

I did. by sugar spun (2.00 / 0) #18 Sun Feb 27, 2011 at 02:24:08 PM EST
BD hated her because her approach to our household was to completely ignore anything he said and only answer to me, and she never showered before she arrived so our ostensibly clean apartment always smelled like fusty Schwarzarbeiterin.

I asked him to get one from an agency about a year ago. Still waiting; perhaps when I'm not on leave and running around like a blue arsed fly at home all the time he'll get around to it.

[ Parent ]

Agency by Merekat (4.00 / 1) #20 Sun Feb 27, 2011 at 02:42:27 PM EST
Yup, we got agency. He said he'd sort it. I gave up waiting after 5 months.

[ Parent ]

mess and cleanliness... by dmg (2.00 / 0) #22 Sun Feb 27, 2011 at 03:46:02 PM EST
most couples have different comfort levels when it comes to mess and cleanliness.

I think this could partly be a gender thing. A lot of men simply don't care about housework full stop. So long as there is a clear path to the fridge to get a beer, that's good enough.

--
dmg - HuSi's most dimwitted overprivileged user.
[ Parent ]

seeing the dirt by StackyMcRacky (2.00 / 0) #23 Sun Feb 27, 2011 at 06:42:29 PM EST
since i'm home all. of. the. time. i see far more dirt than clock does.  hell, i see more dirt than i did when i worked full time.  during the last few months when i haven't been able to do clean like i normally do, i've tried to be really good about not getting on his case over the detail dirt.  he has enough on his plate as it is. 

of course, i totally broke down last week and hired a maid service to do a deep clean of the house.  it was at the point where even clock noticed how nasty our home had become!

[ Parent ]

That is me by barooo (2.00 / 0) #32 Mon Feb 28, 2011 at 02:06:39 PM EST
and no passive aggressive bullshit about it either, just be all "clean the cats' shitter and throw in some laundry, eh?  Maybe run the dishwasher and take out the recycling, too". 
man, i need a beefy taco now.
-gzt
[ Parent ]

Yep. by Breaker (2.00 / 0) #35 Mon Feb 28, 2011 at 05:45:44 PM EST
Likewise. 

Now, what are we going to do about our stay at homes?


[ Parent ]

try not to strangle them? by LilFlightTest (2.00 / 0) #40 Mon Feb 28, 2011 at 07:01:04 PM EST
I suspect mine read this, because today I came home and the kitchen was still mostly clean, some laundry was done, and dinner was in progress.
---------
if de-virgination results in me being able to birth hammerhead sharks, SIGN ME UP!!! --misslake
[ Parent ]

Hard sometimes.... by Breaker (2.00 / 0) #45 Tue Mar 01, 2011 at 11:03:58 AM EST
Though isn't it!!!


[ Parent ]

Put his ass on PROBATION! by ammoniacal (2.00 / 0) #3 Sat Feb 26, 2011 at 03:53:52 PM EST
You should withhold sex until he walks the path of righteousness.

You can't handle my complete attention.
[ Parent ]

I'd also be more interested in sex by LilFlightTest (4.00 / 3) #4 Sat Feb 26, 2011 at 06:00:40 PM EST
if I wasn't so fucking tired from trying to keep our household running.
---------
if de-virgination results in me being able to birth hammerhead sharks, SIGN ME UP!!! --misslake
[ Parent ]

Damn SKIPPEH! by ammoniacal (2.00 / 0) #6 Sat Feb 26, 2011 at 08:30:04 PM EST
Time for a general strike!

You can't handle my complete attention.
[ Parent ]

And just hope he isn't a REAL man(tm) by dmg (2.00 / 0) #48 Wed Mar 02, 2011 at 02:28:53 PM EST
Real men don't put up with such BS tactics from their women, they simply go and get some elsewhere. You have to be 100% sure your man is whipped before attempting this approach! 
--
dmg - HuSi's most dimwitted overprivileged user.
[ Parent ]

sounds a lot like by clock (2.00 / 0) #7 Sat Feb 26, 2011 at 08:47:03 PM EST
my sister in law's situation.  her husband is a SAHD and she's the breadwinner.  there is a lot of friction because there was no real thought or discussion when it was decided that he'd be the stay at home parent.  THE reason that Stacky and I do as well as we do is because we had an explicit discussion about who does what and when.  we don't have SLAs or anything anal like that, but we know the rules and we follow them.

every situation is a beautiful and unique snowflake and all that, but we often say that anything that isn't explicitly stated is subject to misinterpretation.

so yeah...anyway...just random thoughts and stuff.


I agree with clock entirely --Kellnerin

[ Parent ]

what clock said by StackyMcRacky (4.00 / 1) #8 Sat Feb 26, 2011 at 09:12:41 PM EST
my sister is frustrated as hell, she has 2 full time jobs.  i love my BIL, but he really needs to man up and get his shit together.

we decided the most important thing to us was family time.  we divided up duties so we could maximize family time.  it was an easy split:  clock goes to work, and mows the lawn.  he also does car-care because he's oafy and it's easier for him to do it, but that's not a weekly thing.  i do ALL of the domestic chores and the finances.  i did finances before the baby because i enjoy it, so maybe that doesn't count.  when clock gets home from work, there isn't a single chore that needs to be done (other than mowing the lawn once a week in the summer) and we get to play!  also, weekends are totally open to do whatever the hell we want.  we both bust our butts, and we both do things that we don't particularly want to do.

we have exactly NO arguments about housework, because we specifically spelled out every single duty and both agreed on who was assigned what.  i think the fact we were both in crappy marriages before makes us communicate differently than other couples (we actually DO sit down and make lists so there is no ambiguity over expectations) because we know what it's like to be in a bad place, and neither one of us ever wants to be there again.

before you turn into a giant over-worked ball of exhaustion and resentment, you should really think about sitting down with your husband and making a list that works for the both of you.  it will take a lot of stress out of your life.

now, for my ranty part:  what the FUCK are these stay-at-home-parents (not just men, i know women like this) problems where they can't just GET SHIT DONE?  i mean really?  it's called BEING A GROWN UP!  it's part of life!  if you can't handle simple domestic chores, you know the kind that everybody has to do, then maybe you should move back in with your mommy and daddy and have them take care of you because obviously you can't handle living like an adult in the world.  i have a hard time respecting these people as they put their entire family life into chaos because they are too lazy/stupid/whatever to get simple things done.  it's all i can do to not chew my BIL's ass out every time i see him.  ACT LIKE A FUCKING ADULT, ASSHOLE.  </rant>

i don't think i'm particularly special in any way, and i manage to do it.  millions of people before me have also managed to do it.  what is wrong with people today?

[ Parent ]

neither of us enjoy housework by LilFlightTest (2.00 / 0) #10 Sat Feb 26, 2011 at 09:30:24 PM EST
but I work all day and come home to a house in chaos. Yes, my baby is happy and healthy and that's what matters, but it really depresses me that I can't even keep my house clean. I can't spend my time cleaning up after both of them, and often when I get home things just seem so hopeless that I don't even bother to do any cleaning. When I was home on maternity leave I managed to keep things mostly tidy, laundry done, dishes washed, and hell, I even baked and made dinner...and I was doing this on a sleep deficit of MONTHS, not just days.
---------
if de-virgination results in me being able to birth hammerhead sharks, SIGN ME UP!!! --misslake
[ Parent ]

you think i like housework? by StackyMcRacky (4.00 / 1) #11 Sat Feb 26, 2011 at 10:26:24 PM EST
because i don't.  and i hate grocery shopping.  and i detest meal planning.  like i said, clock and i both do things we don't particularly like to do.  however, in the words of Hank Hill (paraphrased) "part of being an adult is doing the things you don't want to do."

like i said in my comment, you should think about sitting down and making a list for the two of you to follow.  if you let this go too long, you will become angry and resentful over it.  i don't think you expect the house to pass the white glove treatment every time you come home, but he is capable of doing laundry, washing dishes, and putting things away.  and he IS the one home all day, so he won't even be going out of his way.

[ Parent ]

we've discussed by LilFlightTest (2.00 / 0) #12 Sat Feb 26, 2011 at 11:54:44 PM EST
problem is, it's very easy to just not do the items on your list because you don't feel like it. Both parties have to be motivated, and it's hard to be motivated sometimes. I love my husband to death, but I'm already angry and resentful. On one hand, I know I couldn't handle being a stay at home mom. But I also know that when I was home, I got everything done. I hate to feel like I'm nagging him, but I shouldn't have to nag to get stuff done.

I'm also annoyed by all the half finished projects in the house, but that's a different rant entirely.
---------
if de-virgination results in me being able to birth hammerhead sharks, SIGN ME UP!!! --misslake
[ Parent ]

i have no pity for him by StackyMcRacky (4.00 / 1) #25 Sun Feb 27, 2011 at 06:45:23 PM EST
like i said, i don't want to do it either.  however, it's my job.  week in and week out, for almost 3.5 years i have put on my big girl pants and gotten it done.

what would he say if you didn't feel like going to work any more?

[ Parent ]

He'd probably say by LilFlightTest (2.00 / 0) #30 Sun Feb 27, 2011 at 11:58:47 PM EST
that he'd go back to work then.
---------
if de-virgination results in me being able to birth hammerhead sharks, SIGN ME UP!!! --misslake
[ Parent ]

Tell him the internet says he's an idiot by iGrrrl (4.00 / 1) #33 Mon Feb 28, 2011 at 02:44:25 PM EST
  1. How realistic would it be for him to just go back to work? This is not the late 90s where there were jobs for the taking.
  2. House work is work. Period. It's unpaid labor, just like child care. It's his job. Man up. This is completely unfair to you. If you were the SAH wife, he'd expect dinner on the table when he got home, I bet.
"Housework is threading beads on a string with no knot." Few people like it because the job doesn't stay done, like fixing a door.

"Beautiful wine, talking of scattered everythings"
(and thanks to Scrymarch)
[ Parent ]

for him by LilFlightTest (2.00 / 0) #39 Mon Feb 28, 2011 at 06:59:51 PM EST
it'd be fairly realistic. His job is pretty much still there if he wants it.
---------
if de-virgination results in me being able to birth hammerhead sharks, SIGN ME UP!!! --misslake
[ Parent ]

LADIES! by ammoniacal (2.00 / 0) #13 Sun Feb 27, 2011 at 12:06:03 AM EST

You can't handle my complete attention.
[ Parent ]

dude! by StackyMcRacky (4.00 / 1) #24 Sun Feb 27, 2011 at 06:43:09 PM EST
there was no need to pull the Mammy card!!

[ Parent ]

It felt appropriately domestic by ammoniacal (2.00 / 0) #26 Sun Feb 27, 2011 at 06:48:36 PM EST
and it was the next card in the deck.

You can't handle my complete attention.
[ Parent ]

Please to be by Breaker (2.00 / 0) #36 Mon Feb 28, 2011 at 05:48:30 PM EST
Diarising the main content of this list, because I also seem to have the problem of a SAHP who CANNOT GET SHIT DONE.

And I'm very rapidly approaching an /over-worked ball of exhaustion and resentment/ about it.  I can't spend the day building shelves, then cook a 3 course meal by 6:30.


[ Parent ]

Flylady, flylady, flylady by StackyMcRacky (2.00 / 0) #37 Mon Feb 28, 2011 at 06:55:50 PM EST
Sure, it can seem a bit cultish, but using her methods I actually get things done in a reasonable fashion that doesn't completely burn me out.  June Cleaver is a myth, and if you try to emulate her you'll end up killing yourself.  And let's face it, there aren't any realistic role models for SAHPs out there.

clock just told me I need to follow your suggestion and write a diary on this subject.  I'll see what I can crank out tonight.

[ Parent ]

I learned some great tricks from flylady by iGrrrl (2.00 / 0) #41 Mon Feb 28, 2011 at 09:25:11 PM EST
My favorite is, "You have an hour to clean. If you have more than six rooms, pick the critical six. Set a timer and work on each room for 10 minutes." It's amazing what you can get done in 10 minutes.

"Beautiful wine, talking of scattered everythings"
(and thanks to Scrymarch)
[ Parent ]

TYVM! by Breaker (2.00 / 0) #46 Tue Mar 01, 2011 at 11:04:35 AM EST
I shall have a look.


[ Parent ]

i'm so busy by StackyMcRacky (2.00 / 0) #9 Sat Feb 26, 2011 at 09:14:07 PM EST
that i'm lucky to get a few hours to myself during a regular week.  that single parents don't drop dead (they have to do EVERYTHING by themselves!) is amazing to me.



I only take care of the important stuff... by yankeehack (2.00 / 0) #21 Sun Feb 27, 2011 at 02:43:22 PM EST
LO, logistics, finances that sort of thing.

My place is a (cleaning) disaster, but in my world, it really isn't that important. We have bursts of cleaning activity if someone is coming over, but for the most part, I just let it go.

Now that she is older, LO can make meals & do her laundry which is a big help. Since she's picky about clothes, I've let her pick out what she wants to wear and we deal with that. She's also a good supermarket shopper (home ec classes this year have really helped), she can even make a good market list and is interested in meal planning because of her quasi-vegetarian eating habits.

If only she would do dishes and take out the trash...
"...she dares to indulge in the secret sport. You can't be a MILF with the F, at least in part because the M is predicated upon it."-CBB
[ Parent ]

i tip my hat to you! by StackyMcRacky (2.00 / 0) #28 Sun Feb 27, 2011 at 06:54:57 PM EST
seriously, that you can get done what you amazes the hell out of me.  i'm sure if i had to, i would get it done, but daymn....the thought is just overwhelming.

[ Parent ]

You will probably appreciate by Herring (2.00 / 0) #15 Sun Feb 27, 2011 at 08:55:52 AM EST
this thread.

Deep Blue/In ’97 I voted for you/As Sports Personality of the Year


I giggled. by sugar spun (2.00 / 0) #19 Sun Feb 27, 2011 at 02:30:05 PM EST
but it was mostly a nervous sort of giggle because I know men like this exist and they terrify me. These are the men who buy anti-ageing creams for milestone birthdays and slow cookers/new irons at Christmas and seem not to understand how offensive and upsetting the subtext of their gifts can be. That some women like them doesn't make them good gifts, just like being male is not sufficient reason for a man to be given aftershave and a tie for every occasion.

[ Parent ]

one xmas by StackyMcRacky (2.00 / 0) #27 Sun Feb 27, 2011 at 06:53:10 PM EST
i told my ex to buy me a kitchen aid mixer.  i sent him a link to exactly what i wanted.  he told his business partners what he was going to get me, and they all flipped out at the idea!  they suggested he get me the mixer WITH a diamond bracelet inside the bowl.

[ Parent ]

A request by sugar spun (2.00 / 0) #29 Sun Feb 27, 2011 at 07:42:31 PM EST
isn't the same.

One year I asked my ex for a particular DVD, I don't remember what it was, and an Urban Decay eyeliner. He gave me a thing to improve my handwriting and a new frying pan.

[ Parent ]

exes, man by StackyMcRacky (2.00 / 0) #31 Mon Feb 28, 2011 at 11:12:11 AM EST
when ex and i were actually maried, he decided to get me an MP3 player.  I wanted an iPod mini.  he was very anti-Apple, and searched the city (literally, he spent almost 2 weeks trying to get me this) until he could get his hands on a Zen Micro.  that was my xmas gift.  we spent the holiday with my family across country and came home on my birthday, dec 27.  i asked what our plans were for the day, going out to dinner, etc.  he said he had planned on going to work for the rest of the day and evening, why would i want to go out to dinner?  then i asked if he had gotten me a gift, his reply was, "I got you the Zen for xmas, wasn't that enough?"  best birthday evar, i tell you.

[ Parent ]

IIRC, you praised that Zen? by ammoniacal (2.00 / 0) #34 Mon Feb 28, 2011 at 04:10:09 PM EST
OR WAS IT A LIE??

You can't handle my complete attention.
[ Parent ]

YOU are the lie, man! by StackyMcRacky (4.00 / 1) #38 Mon Feb 28, 2011 at 06:57:04 PM EST
The Zen was great!  I never dissed the Zen!  I dissed the ex for spending weeks on a single gift and thinking he was done for the year.

[ Parent ]

Excellent. by ammoniacal (2.00 / 0) #42 Mon Feb 28, 2011 at 09:34:34 PM EST
Good to see my Alzheimer's hasn't completely taken over. Say, do you have a babby registry?

You can't handle my complete attention.
[ Parent ]

no registry this time by StackyMcRacky (2.00 / 0) #43 Mon Feb 28, 2011 at 09:41:12 PM EST
Only things we needed were girl clothes (provided by my sister), new car seat (provided by multiple parties), and infant sized diapers (provided by another mom from MDO).  it's easy-peasy this time!

[ Parent ]

DAMMIT! by ammoniacal (2.00 / 0) #44 Mon Feb 28, 2011 at 09:49:39 PM EST
My love of shopping for babby close is STYMIED!

You can't handle my complete attention.
[ Parent ]

baby girl clothes, especially by LilFlightTest (4.00 / 1) #47 Tue Mar 01, 2011 at 07:27:48 PM EST
I get to buy baby boy clothes, which tend to be covered in sports. what the hell.
---------
if de-virgination results in me being able to birth hammerhead sharks, SIGN ME UP!!! --misslake
[ Parent ]

Someone I know | 48 comments (48 topical, 0 hidden) | Trackback

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