Print Story I sometimes do not like my wife
She "cooked" last night. Yes, I used <inverted commas / quotes / delete as necessary>. I'm still not hungry.


The first time she ever cooked for me I asked her to marry me. The next time she saved xmas dinner with a nice and very unplanned dessert. It only keeps on in this manner. I think last week's Pad Thai means my ass belongs to the fabulous decorator who has ideas to make our walls more artistic.

I spent more than six months having the genius of Escoffier drilled into me, in much the same way as the military had me holding my cock in one hand and a loaded M-16 in the other while screaming at the top of my lungs for four hours, "This is my weapon, this is my gun, this is for shooting, this is for fun!"

I make my own demi-glace; it takes three days if you do it right and it starts with ten pounds of cow bones and a lot of carrots, onions and butter. Which you then turn into a brown veal sauce. Which you then have to turn into an Espagniole sauce. Which only then you can turn into a demi-glace.

My wife threw some black beans in a pot and told me to stay away from the kitchen. Two hours later there was "Messkin" food. Nothing that anyone anywhere between Baja and Honduras has ever cooked, nothing ever served in Texas or Texarkana or even Japan, and yet I'm in pain. Because I couldn't stop eating this monstrosity of food porn. Five fucking bowls of this stuff, after a giant tortilla wrap stuffed with it and some shredded <groan> Emmentaler cheese.

And yet... I don't have to pretend to like things she does because I actually do. My wife is awesome. Even if you haven't looked at a single pic of the Puppy, the fact that Millman is alive is a tribute to her awesomeness (as well as to his sister's). But she really shouldn't be allowed near a kitchen.

< HITCHHIKER! | 2010 UK Election Prediction >
I sometimes do not like my wife | 39 comments (39 topical, 0 hidden) | Trackback
The way I read this then.. by marvin (4.00 / 3) #1 Wed May 05, 2010 at 02:18:09 PM EST
Your wife should have married someone with more self-control over his appetite?

It's not my fault your eyes are bigger than your by sugar spun (2.00 / 0) #2 Wed May 05, 2010 at 02:24:38 PM EST
stomach.

Besides, my pet Texan used to make the exact same black bean mess and say it was Mexican and you know she had a Mexican cleaning her house before she emigrated. So it's like totally legit.



I made CLEAN PLATE by ReallyEvilCanine (2.00 / 0) #3 Wed May 05, 2010 at 02:43:24 PM EST
What's for dessert?

the internet: amplifier of stupidity -- discordia

[ Parent ]
jelly trifle by Merekat (2.00 / 0) #5 Wed May 05, 2010 at 02:48:08 PM EST
With Bird's custard.


[ Parent ]
Humble pie. by sugar spun (4.00 / 2) #17 Wed May 05, 2010 at 04:45:22 PM EST


[ Parent ]
Quit taunting us by marvin (2.00 / 0) #4 Wed May 05, 2010 at 02:48:00 PM EST
And post a recipe, please.

[ Parent ]
It's like totally Mexican, I promise by sugar spun (4.00 / 2) #6 Wed May 05, 2010 at 03:03:06 PM EST
Black beans, dried, half a bag
Few cloves of garlic
An onion
Coriander, cumin, chili powder, pepper, little bit of salt
Tin of chopped tomatoes
Miscellaneous veg, chopped small
Tortillas

Cheese
Salsa
Lettuce
Sour cream


Chop the onion and the garlic and throw them into a saucepan. Add a bunch of spices and stir them around till they smell lovely. Put in a bunch of water and the beans and bring to the boil. Don't leave a spoon standing in there because it comes out purple and the person who normally cooks tells you off. Keep on an almost-boil for a couple of hours, checking in every now and then and adding more water wherever necessary (I also throw in more spices every time there's more water to keep the homeopaths on their toes). About 40 minutes before you want to serve it take a look, and if it looks like it needs water don't add any. Add the tin of tomatoes and the veg instead and keep cooking it.

Warm tortillas, grate cheese and make salsa or remove it from the jar. Add half the salsa to the beans and stir it around. Spoon vaguely dry, still juicy bean mixture into tortilla, add cheese and extra stuff and wrap. Serve and marvel at the leftovers for everyone's lunch for tomorrow, then make sure your husband doesn't overdose on beans and spend the night farting holes in your mattress.

[ Parent ]
almost-boil for a couple of hours by wiredog (2.00 / 0) #8 Wed May 05, 2010 at 03:19:44 PM EST
Rehydrate the beans before cooking. Put the half bag into a qt of water with a tbs of salt. Let it sit on the counter for 24 hours. Drain. Then you shouldn't need to cook the beans for more than 20 minutes, in less water, thus preserving the taste of the onions.

Earth First!
(We can strip mine the rest later.)

[ Parent ]
i wish i could remember by StackyMcRacky (4.00 / 1) #10 Wed May 05, 2010 at 03:28:36 PM EST
to soak beans the night before.  it would make my life so much easier.

[ Parent ]
pressure cooker /nt by R343L (2.00 / 0) #27 Wed May 05, 2010 at 10:28:46 PM EST


"There will be time, there will be time / To prepare a face to meet the faces that you meet." -- Eliot
[ Parent ]
HA! by StackyMcRacky (2.00 / 0) #32 Thu May 06, 2010 at 09:39:16 AM EST
that's just an accident waiting to happen!

[ Parent ]
err, uh why? by R343L (2.00 / 0) #35 Thu May 06, 2010 at 12:57:59 PM EST
I use one at least once a week. Never had any problems. The modern ones are pretty good with accidentally ignoring them for two long and forgetting to turn down the heat ...

"There will be time, there will be time / To prepare a face to meet the faces that you meet." -- Eliot
[ Parent ]
I have a very active 2 year old by StackyMcRacky (2.00 / 0) #36 Thu May 06, 2010 at 02:18:37 PM EST
Trust me, it's a recipe for disaster.

[ Parent ]
anymore than any pot on the stove? by R343L (2.00 / 0) #37 Thu May 06, 2010 at 03:12:14 PM EST
Surely you cook at home. I really don't see how a pressure cooker is anymore dangerous than a pot of boiling water. I have actually accidentally tried taking the lid off while it's at pressure on mine and couldn't even move it. And I'm an adult. And if a two year old is climbing on the stove to mess with the lid of a pressure cooker, he could easily knock over the aforementioned boiling pot ...

"There will be time, there will be time / To prepare a face to meet the faces that you meet." -- Eliot
[ Parent ]
Pots are not left unattended by StackyMcRacky (2.00 / 0) #39 Thu May 06, 2010 at 03:41:40 PM EST
If something complicated is being prepared where the stove cannot be watched it requires 2 adults to be present.

Also, it isn't the climbing that's a problem, it's the thrown objects.

[ Parent ]
and also by R343L (2.00 / 0) #38 Thu May 06, 2010 at 03:14:50 PM EST
I should just shut up. It's not like I have kids ...

"There will be time, there will be time / To prepare a face to meet the faces that you meet." -- Eliot
[ Parent ]
This is basically what I make, too. by toxicfur (2.00 / 0) #11 Wed May 05, 2010 at 03:30:55 PM EST
I don't pretend it's Mexican, though. ;) I add Original Rotel's instead of plain canned tomatoes, and I dial down the chili powder accordingly. And I stir in some cooked rice toward the end and eat it either in a bowl and topped with cheese and sour cream (or avocados, if I have them) or wrapped in a tortilla. Mmmm, tasty.
--
The amount of suck that you can put up with can be mind-boggling, but it only really hits you when it then ceases to suck. -- Kellnerin
[ Parent ]
+1 Rotel FTW! by sasquatchan (4.00 / 1) #12 Wed May 05, 2010 at 03:40:46 PM EST
and avacados for the sudden death overtime victory..

[ Parent ]
she makes donuts ? by sasquatchan (4.00 / 1) #7 Wed May 05, 2010 at 03:17:23 PM EST
and saved MM from famine ?

was there some MM falling down drunk story ? I forget..

Octoberfest in Munchen by MillMan (2.00 / 0) #16 Wed May 05, 2010 at 04:42:37 PM EST
There may have been alcohol involved.

"Just as there are no atheists in foxholes, there are no libertarians in financial crises." -Krugman

[ Parent ]
Inappropriate comment warning by sugar spun (2.00 / 0) #18 Wed May 05, 2010 at 04:48:24 PM EST
I've seen your sister naked.

As you were.

[ Parent ]
Your Newsletter: by ammoniacal (4.00 / 2) #20 Wed May 05, 2010 at 05:51:50 PM EST
I wish to subscribe to it.

"To this day that was the most bullshit caesar salad I have every experienced..." - triggerfinger

[ Parent ]
And? by brokkr (2.00 / 0) #34 Thu May 06, 2010 at 10:50:35 AM EST
So has MillMan, I s'pose.
--
Deyr fé, deyja frændr, deyr sjalfr it sama,
ek veit einn, at aldrei deyr: dómr um dau∂an hvern.

[ Parent ]
we don't eat Mexican food in Texas by StackyMcRacky (4.00 / 1) #9 Wed May 05, 2010 at 03:27:42 PM EST
we eat Tex-Mex.

Not entirely true by theboz (2.00 / 0) #25 Wed May 05, 2010 at 09:42:38 PM EST
At least, you all ate at my house when my wife cooked.  I forget if we've had you all here for ceviche, the soyrizo and black bean tortas, or both.

Also, there are authentic Mexican places here, but they are small hole in the wall places that if gringos accidentally go to, they complain about the lack of yellow cheese.
- - - - -
That's what I always say about you, boz, you have a good memory for random facts about pussy. -- joh3n

[ Parent ]
you guys don't count! by StackyMcRacky (2.00 / 0) #33 Thu May 06, 2010 at 09:40:04 AM EST
:P

[ Parent ]
I'm sorry, my love. by BadDoggie (2.00 / 0) #13 Wed May 05, 2010 at 03:52:52 PM EST
I meant to be funny, not hurtful.

I truly have liked everything you have ever cooked for me. Your mother should be tasered if she gets within 100 yards of a stove but that's altogether a different kettle of fish. Which you would no doubt cook perfectly and serve with some better-ified hollandaise sauce.

woof.

OMG WE'RE FUCKED! -- duxup ?

Backhanded compliment by marvin (4.00 / 1) #14 Wed May 05, 2010 at 03:59:11 PM EST
More awkwardly phrased and expressed than your norm. That's how I saw it, anyways.

Although your groveling is entertaining, as you are well and truly whipped. Make him beg more, sugar spun.

[ Parent ]
Packet hollandaise. by sugar spun (4.00 / 1) #15 Wed May 05, 2010 at 04:39:20 PM EST
I would never cook fish in a kettle, I imagine it would have a detrimental effect on future cups of tea.

I would wrap this hypothetical fish in foil with olive oil and lemon juice and bake it in the oven, and make the most of the hypothetical packet hollandaise with tiny thin green asparagus, also baked in the oven.



[ Parent ]
mmmm future cups of tea by infinitera (2.00 / 0) #19 Wed May 05, 2010 at 05:07:16 PM EST

[…] a professional layabout. Which I aspire to be, but am not yet. — CheeseburgerBrown

[ Parent ]
Don't be hatin' on Emmentaler, dawg. by ammoniacal (2.00 / 0) #21 Wed May 05, 2010 at 05:53:55 PM EST
That's God's cheese.

"To this day that was the most bullshit caesar salad I have every experienced..." - triggerfinger

yes by dev trash (2.00 / 0) #22 Wed May 05, 2010 at 06:22:59 PM EST
if god was Swiss.

And I have a feelin.

--
Click

[ Parent ]
Switzerland has a Mexican god? by BadDoggie (4.00 / 1) #24 Wed May 05, 2010 at 07:24:29 PM EST
Have you really ever eaten black bean/packet-salsa/yellow-corn mix at all? Never mind the rest of it, have you ever mixed cheese and black beans? Would you ever do it with swiss instead of cheddar? When there's cheddar in the fridge??

You know the "loaded M16" comment was purely for your fapping pleasure (and Teh Boz'). If you're nice to me I'll show you my marksman award.

woof.

OMG WE'RE FUCKED! -- duxup ?

[ Parent ]
You loved it. by sugar spun (4.00 / 2) #26 Wed May 05, 2010 at 10:19:18 PM EST

You loved it so much you gave yourself a giant bloated bean belly.

AND I noticed that in your return trips to the pan of beans, of which there were many, you failed at any point to grate yourself any cheddar.

Ingrate.



[ Parent ]
I would say ... by R343L (4.00 / 1) #28 Wed May 05, 2010 at 10:30:25 PM EST
That some swiss white cheeses are closer to the non-fresh mexican cheeses I've had than cheddar.

"There will be time, there will be time / To prepare a face to meet the faces that you meet." -- Eliot
[ Parent ]
Marksman is the lowest bracket, mind you. by ammoniacal (2.00 / 0) #29 Wed May 05, 2010 at 10:37:01 PM EST

"To this day that was the most bullshit caesar salad I have every experienced..." - triggerfinger

[ Parent ]
HEADSHOT! by ReallyEvilCanine (4.00 / 1) #30 Thu May 06, 2010 at 04:53:28 AM EST
I can consistently hit a target 300-500m away with a Lee-Enfield. Or I could the last time I had one on a range (I have to come back to the US if only to go shooting with TheBoz). I'd have to learn how to use the modern scopes but I'm pretty sure I still have the breathing & squeezing down.

the internet: amplifier of stupidity -- discordia

[ Parent ]
(Comment Deleted) by xth (4.00 / 1) #23 Wed May 05, 2010 at 06:53:56 PM EST

This comment has been deleted by xth



(Comment Deleted) by HuSi QA Dept (2.00 / 0) #31 Thu May 06, 2010 at 05:51:42 AM EST

This comment has been deleted by HuSi QA Dept



I sometimes do not like my wife | 39 comments (39 topical, 0 hidden) | Trackback