Print Story Not really me
Diary
By yankeehack (Mon May 24, 2010 at 08:33:04 PM EST) me, not me (all tags)
I will stay strong, I will stay strong, I WILL STAY STRONG.

Christ, it's been hard lately.



I don't know what it is, but it's been harder to be myself lately. It could be the stress of the custody decision, it could be work, it could be raising a 12 year year old girl who is a little too much seemingly into boys, it could be the indecisiveness and uncertainty of the boys in my life, it could be the little coincidences that happen in life.

I don't know.  I wish I could tell you that drinking a beer or two after work helps. It seemingly does not. I wish I could tell you that I still care about work and wake up at 5:30 to get a start on my day like I used to. I haven't in a while.

 I wish I could tell you I enjoy getting texts from this boy, but wonder when they come or don't or what it means since he's contacting me - and it isn't enough. I wish I could tell you I could trust him - but I don't yet. He throws mixed signals and there is more than a little bit of him not being quite ready.

I wish I could tell you that I was heartsick about sending LO to sleepaway camp this summer for four weeks. I am not, yet heartsick - the need for her to get out of town and meet new people is overwhelming. LO has lots of friends boys and girls who are mostly good kids - and a subset of these of boys call her almost nightly and who each individually try convince her to go out with them. The only saving grace **knocks on wood** is that they are her age, so these boys are ok with the girlfriend designation - but aren't so much into the kissing and hugging...yet.

I have had fellow parents tell me that my daughter is preternatually beautiful for her age. She has that "it" whatever "it" is. I am cursed.

As for the coincidences. Like how I know of 5 babies newly born in the past month or so - including my newest niece this past weekend. My niece, I will let you all know, is beautiful and perfect, just like her big sister. I spent an hour or so with my niece on the day she was born, holding her, feeling her little baby sighs, watching her face as she dreamed.

I watched as my brother and sister in law were in the hospital room and talked about their new home, about their plans for the summer and about their lives.

I am turning 36 in a few months, early birthday biological anxiety this year. Tomorrow would have marked 14 years married.

I have this fork in the road coming up labeled (A)family (as is) or (B)family (expanded). I've got probably 2 more years until I can really give up the ghost on having a choice.

Lately I've been thinking that I should just assume I will move to  San Francisco when LO graduates high school. Ironically, tomorrow also marks $gamechangingannouncement at work (I may have a hole diary about my small contribution to that).

I will be ok either way, just fuck... I hate getting turned around in circles....I also hate speeding tickets too (I don't even want to know what my insurance is going to be jacked up to).

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Not really me | 27 comments (27 topical, 0 hidden) | Trackback
Be strong, be wrong by lm (2.00 / 0) #1 Mon May 24, 2010 at 09:14:46 PM EST
It's a sunny day, let's dance and play.

Sounds like you've got a real challenge course ahead. I haven't read read a diary of yours in quite some time that has this tone. Sure, there's been angst and pain and whatnot from time to time. But the tone here reminds me of the tone that your diaries had during the endgame between you and your ex. That's a bad space to be in.

I hope things get better. It's a rough lot.


There is no more degenerate kind of state than that in which the richest are supposed to be the best.
Cicero, The Republic
I'm stressed by yankeehack (2.00 / 0) #21 Tue May 25, 2010 at 09:59:32 AM EST
I don't want to fuck things up for the future.
"...she dares to indulge in the secret sport. You can't be a MILF with the F, at least in part because the M is predicated upon it."-CBB
[ Parent ]
well hell. by dev trash (4.00 / 1) #25 Tue May 25, 2010 at 05:48:47 PM EST
Why didn't ya say so! :)

The mere fact that you're thinking about it means you have it under control.  You can do anything you set your mind to.

--
Click

[ Parent ]
I first kissed a girlfriend by garlic (2.00 / 0) #2 Mon May 24, 2010 at 10:01:34 PM EST
at age 13.

at age 14, I had my first blowjob from her. And I was a goody-twoshoes...

Hopefully you're daughter is better behaved than my first girlfriend and I were.


Have you considered becoming by ammoniacal (4.00 / 8) #4 Mon May 24, 2010 at 10:32:12 PM EST
a bereavement counselor? I think you'd have a knack for it.

"To this day that was the most bullshit caesar salad I have every experienced..." - triggerfinger

[ Parent ]
like the scared straight version, right? by garlic (4.00 / 1) #17 Tue May 25, 2010 at 09:24:58 AM EST


[ Parent ]
Eh. by ni (4.00 / 1) #5 Mon May 24, 2010 at 10:32:29 PM EST
Hopefully you're daughter is better behaved than my first girlfriend and I were.

Although there is an obvious (and good!) tendency on husi to be supportive, sometimes it gets a bit silly. Why would we hope this? It's true of an awfully good chunk of the people here. That may be a little bit on the early side (or not, I have no idea), but it's certainly not so far off the average, and most people turn out none the worse for it. It's a part of growing up, no matter how inevitably uncomfortable it is for the parents involved.


"These days it seems like sometimes dreams of Italian hyper-gonadism are all a man's got to keep him going." -- CRwM

[ Parent ]
well by garlic (2.00 / 0) #15 Tue May 25, 2010 at 09:22:50 AM EST
she was a little concerned about the boys, so it was hopefully for her. I agree, the timeline doesn't seem that out of line with average, but I also don't think that's the sort of thing that parents want to hear.


[ Parent ]
*cough* *cough* *cough* by yankeehack (2.00 / 0) #8 Tue May 25, 2010 at 05:51:07 AM EST
Looking back at when I started making out and then blowjobs...mmmm a smiliar timeline (oh shit).

Except it was on official dates and boys who were driving were involved.

The only saving grace is that the kids are young enough to socialized to be in groups in public places with parents who will pop in when/where they want.
"...she dares to indulge in the secret sport. You can't be a MILF with the F, at least in part because the M is predicated upon it."-CBB

[ Parent ]
like ni was saying by garlic (2.00 / 0) #16 Tue May 25, 2010 at 09:24:16 AM EST
and you realize, it'll probably turn out alright, but if you want to get any last minute sex education in, the time is now.


[ Parent ]
Here's hoping by johnny (2.00 / 0) #3 Mon May 24, 2010 at 10:04:40 PM EST
for a little peace and contentment.

I'm willing to bet you $1 that at least one time during the month that LO is away, you'll have a beer at home by yourself and it will be exactly fine. In any event, I hope that happens.

She has effectively checked out. She's an un-person of her own making. So it falls to me.--ad hoc (in the hole)

Don't. by ammoniacal (2.00 / 0) #6 Mon May 24, 2010 at 10:37:17 PM EST
Not to be cruel, but you're too old. Keep giving 100% of your family's resources to the daughter you already have, so that she has the best edge possible in her future. Don't dilute that support. If you still want to raise another when she's out on her own, then adopt a kid who needs a competent parent. Please consider what I'm saying here.

"To this day that was the most bullshit caesar salad I have every experienced..." - triggerfinger

Actually... by yankeehack (4.00 / 1) #9 Tue May 25, 2010 at 05:54:49 AM EST
The way I live in real life is definitely favors that. And it's been that way since I've been single.

There are no guys hanging out on the couch or in my bed when LO is around. Only two people I've dated have even met LO.

And I'm just about at the point where I don't really want to date a guy with kids - I just don't want to get caught up in raising his.
"...she dares to indulge in the secret sport. You can't be a MILF with the F, at least in part because the M is predicated upon it."-CBB

[ Parent ]
but will you expect by sasquatchan (2.00 / 0) #19 Tue May 25, 2010 at 09:33:01 AM EST
him to help raise yours ?

[ Parent ]
obsessing over boys.. by sasquatchan (4.00 / 2) #7 Mon May 24, 2010 at 10:44:01 PM EST
which female was doing that, again ?

Hah by yankeehack (2.00 / 0) #10 Tue May 25, 2010 at 05:58:13 AM EST
Remember, I'm choosing what to write here.
"...she dares to indulge in the secret sport. You can't be a MILF with the F, at least in part because the M is predicated upon it."-CBB
[ Parent ]
For comparison? by ObviousTroll (4.00 / 1) #11 Tue May 25, 2010 at 06:47:08 AM EST
My 12 year old is worried that she's a lesbian because she still thinks boys are annoying. Again - I didn't say I was worried  - she went to her mother and told her this.



An Angry and Flatulent Pig, Trying to Tie Balloon Animals
boys are annoying. by garlic (4.00 / 3) #18 Tue May 25, 2010 at 09:26:17 AM EST
especially 12 year old boys.


[ Parent ]
Yes by Phil the Canuck (4.00 / 2) #20 Tue May 25, 2010 at 09:36:17 AM EST
I still annoy my wife a fair amount.

[ Parent ]
Only 2 years left? by ambrosen (2.00 / 0) #12 Tue May 25, 2010 at 08:10:42 AM EST
I know loads of over 40s mums. Including my (late) grandmother, who was born in 1900.

So yeah, don't give up. If only there were a single guy your age in PA on this site.

My feeling is that you'd be happier with a man. And circumstances and biology will work out how much that increases your family.

my Dad's youngest sister is in her 50s. by dev trash (2.00 / 0) #26 Tue May 25, 2010 at 05:53:35 PM EST
Dad's in his 70s.  Me, I'm 37.  So yeah, sure it seems like 40 is the 'limit' but it doesn't have to be.

--
Click
[ Parent ]
Like mother, like daughter. by wiredog (2.00 / 0) #13 Tue May 25, 2010 at 08:14:09 AM EST


Earth First!
(We can strip mine the rest later.)

LOLQUE? by ammoniacal (2.00 / 0) #14 Tue May 25, 2010 at 08:32:47 AM EST

"To this day that was the most bullshit caesar salad I have every experienced..." - triggerfinger

[ Parent ]
Could you be depressed? by georgeha (2.00 / 0) #22 Tue May 25, 2010 at 12:52:20 PM EST
It might be worth talking to someone about it.

Anyhow, vent away.


Things get overwhelming by duxup (2.00 / 0) #23 Tue May 25, 2010 at 01:04:06 PM EST
Not that it helps but at least don't let the fact that things might seem overwhelming, get to you.  They just do, stuff happens, things get weird.   It is normal even if it doesn't feel that way.



____
I will stay strong, I will stay strong, I WILL ... by TPD (4.00 / 1) #24 Tue May 25, 2010 at 01:36:24 PM EST
Yes you will because you ARE strong!!

Hope the funk lifts soon though!


why sit, when you can sit and swivel with The Ab-SwivellerTM
SF seems like the place to be. by muchagecko (2.00 / 0) #27 Wed May 26, 2010 at 04:32:59 AM EST
I'll be looking to relocate in a few years also. Maybe we could buy houses next to each other in some pretty bedroom community.


A purpose gives you a reason to wake up every morning.
So a purpose is like a box of powdered donut holes?
Exactly
My Name is Earl

Not really me | 27 comments (27 topical, 0 hidden) | Trackback