Jan 25th Meh!
I want to say something, but I don't know what! Very frustrating. I feel like there is some concept, idea or thought I'd like to record for posterity, right now, but for the life of me I cannot put my finger on just what exactly it is.

Hmm. It's in here somewhere.. It's like I'm bursting with creativity without actually being able to create anything...

Well, seeing as this is my diary, I'll start to type some stuff about me and see what pops out.

I've been fairly insular for some considerable time now - about 18 months. Mostly self protection I think, without going into details I've had a fairly torrid past couple of years. Things seem to be on the up however - by the summer I should have bought my own home (again!), collected my few remaining possessions from the garages and lofts of my friends and I'm sure I'll feel a lot more confident and open generally once I'm established and feel more secure.

It's weird - I occasionally find myself looking forwards to that state, like it's actually attainable or something - a huge improvement on this time last year, or even back in the summer.

I guess then I'll approach the matter of trust.

These past few years have been, in some ways, quite a revelation. I've discovered that if I'm distracted, stressed or not given time to think that I'm a salesman's dream. I also know how hard it is for me to say "no".

I've observed myself thinking rapidly sometimes in certain social contexts and also the long pause I sometimes exhibit before I arrive at the socially "correct" response occasionally. All very interesting from a detached viewpoint, however much I find it stressful at the time.

Well - it used to be stressful - now it's amusing and stressful.

Then there's the avoidance or at least the feeling of discomfort of music over a certain volume, depending on context. The difficulty in following more than one conversation in a group, the ability to concentrate on something to the complete exclusion of everything else. Then there's the matter of missing humour in contexts where I'm not expecting humour. That was a biggy to discover!

ASD? Could be. Interesting. And more symptoms wherever I look too. Seems to be more apparent with higer levels of stress too. Does one slide up and down the spectrum depending on stress? Or is that just me? And then there's the personality test thing  - the objective is to answer in such a way as to give an accurate representaion of your personality. Not to choose a personality type and then to answer them in such a way as to match that personality! I think that might just be me though - dunno. Maybe I think too much while I'm doing them. And why am I so good at those aptitude tests when I don't actually like doing them? You have 50 questions and 15 minutes - you are not expected to answer all of them. Why not? 48/50 must be a pretty good score for them to mention it at the second interview. More than once. Heh.

Weird that I've never pointed my problem solving and analytical skills at myself before.  I suppose I've always been too busy applying brain power in social situations to wonder WHY I'm so busy applying brain power in social situations. I think it might also be a good idea to go and see someone about it.

Erm - who? Dunno. I'll think about that in the summer.

So - any other thoughts? Work? Yeah - work. Boy that's getting fun. Seems like I'll be dragging them into the 21st century this year. And with approval and support too. It'll be interesting to see the reaction from over the pond... Lets just keep it in perspective and allow setbacks to pass over me and move beyond them - it's not personal.

Emotions? Lots of them. Soppy old git. Might have to stop watching Dog Whisperer with company if you're going to well up at any old sob story. And Chick flicks too. But hey - I like a good cry - clears you out.

Stuff to think about this week:

Crossing t's and dotting i's. Smiling. Casual interaction - it's fun and not to be avoided just because you've got something else to think about. Patience - just generally. And finally protocol stacks and binding - learn how it was done in the "old days" because some of the software still does it that way and you need to emulate it.

You are such a nerd.


Feb 1st Duf Duf Duf Duf
I collected my oldest duffer of a bike today, from the friends house where I dumped it a few months ago during the wettest night for about 5 years.

At the time roads were flooding, it was dark, the wind was a variable force 7, the temperature was hovering aroud 3 degrees C and quite frankly, I wasn't having much fun! I cadged a lift home instead, leaving the bike to its fate unprotected in a garden in the winter.

It had done me proud - a crucial 75 mile journey in terrible weather after the comfy warm dry car had snapped a crank pulley and left me without transport....

So today the retrieval operation swung into motion. The bike had been covered with snow for about half of its sojourn in the garden. The toolboxes were flooded and the tool roll was solid with frost and crackled when I unrolled it. After I drained the carb and refilled it the bike coughed into life after a mere 70 zillion kicks. I let it idle quickly for a while as it charged its battery in a cloud of steam from the exhaust and engine and once warm it settled down into a surprisingly steady tickover. After making sure I had brakes that were not rusted solid (the front drum needed a few kicks) I chugged off into the gathering gloom on my 50 year old piece of Brit shit.

Fuck it was cold. I'd wrapped up well, but my gloves weren't really up to the job - which eventually became agonising. A few traffic light stops allowed me to clasp the cylinder barrel as I waited - returning feeling back to my hands.... Onlookers must have thought I loved my bike very much, sitting at the lights hugging the engine...

It was fun though - duffing along in an unhurried fashion down winter lanes, uncomplicated slow revving engine working steadily away beneath me, the gentle glow from the instruments (and headlight unfortunately!) the silent frosty fields wafting past with just the occasional bark of reflected engine noise from street furniture interrupting the steady inlet drone.

The journey took about 45 minutes but felt far shorter. I don't actually recall thinking about much as I threaded through the Chilterns - perhaps I entered some kind of Zen like trance as I travelled through the cold evening air? It felt great - bikes are obviously more exposed as you're not cocooned inside a car, but you tend very much to nestle inside your helmet (full face one on this trip because of the cold) and I felt both anonymous and seperated from the rest of humanity. The deserted lanes probably helped in this regard on this journey too.

I'd forgotton how alive it makes me feel. I'm still zinging at 3 in the morning! I need to get some warmer gloves too dammit!

Feb 6th
Accidentally bought another classic motorbike. Well - when I say accidental, I mean on purpose.

That'll be four in total then. An English single, a German twin, an Italian triple and a Japanese four.

It's better than collecting cats. When I die alone and unmissed, I'm unlikely to be discovered partially eaten.