Print Story Craigslist Ad: I
Diary
By randomxs (Thu May 07, 2009 at 01:55:43 AM EST) (all tags)
 In between boredom and moments of absolute terror at work I have taken to writing ads, rants and raves at craigslist.org. I post these at random cities around the world so linking to them wouldn't be much fun. Ultimately, it would be fun to have one listed on The Best of Craigslist but it's not likely at all that this will happen...they just aren't that good...fun, yes good no. But at any rate you might get a chuckle or two and they aren't too long and for the most part SFW. So the first two installments tonight...

YMMV


Backyard Memorial Day Burial Ground

I didn't realize your fucking parakeet, budgie or whatever the fuck you called it meant more to you than me! I also went through your ad/profile on CL and didn't see anywhere where you mentioned anything about that stupid fucking bird. Sure sure family and kids are important...I get it ... but pets? It wasn't so bad that you and your 2 teenage sons had this band come over and play a dirge and everyone dressed in black when you buried the poor creature in an empty cigar box you got at the reservation tobacco store. Being a drama queen in your family I am now convinced, is genetic. My God! How many birds and other pets do you have buried back there? Is it even legal?

It's spooky... Someone's backyard that is half a pet cemetery, covered with all those fake roses and other shit just is not normal to my way of thinking. It even makes me wonder if there is a bunch of animal cruelty going on there. But what really got to me was the layout of food buffet style the neighbors and family brought over for lunch after you buried the poor creature and the little memorial cards laying around with a picture of Jesus and your stupid fucking bird.

But you know what? When your hot, pasty skinned daughter came over dressed in that hot black goth miniskirt wearing nylons and high heels, that got my attention right away! You were so concerned about the fucking bird you just buried that you didn't even notice me and her leaving early and going to the park in the Heights did you?

Well, I've had enough of you and your wimpy-ass sons. And BTW, your daughter only dresses like that and comes to your pet funerals to pick up the guys you toss that you have met here on CL.

Get a life or quit posting misleading ads on CL.

Happy Sinko In The Mayo and don't use cheese spread either.

 

Your mom tried to sit on my face last night!



OK, we were at your parents' party last weekend at the Bar and my thoughts on this have been brewing since then. I haven't told you about this because you'd freak and it would be quite a rift between us and the rest of the fucking family! I know there's nothing you can do about it but here's what happened in case you get on CL and see this.
Everything seemed to be going fine even tho we were fashionably late getting there. I never realized your mother liked me that much. I thought she hated me. But I went for your sake and not theirs. As I said, things were going fine until I started noticing your mom had started drinking a little to much. At first I thought it was my imagination when she kicked off her shoes and with her bare foot started rubbing my fucking leg. And I thought those grins she cast in my direction was just because I said something funny or that your dad was losing his ass at the pool table. Remember?...the waitress kept coming over and telling us he was being taken advantage of even though he was footing the bill for this beer orgy?

I didn't even know your mother drank at all! I thought she was a Bible thumping, teetotaling, sunday school teacher. I suppose we all have a 'wild' side we don't expose others to. So finally when you went over to get your Dad so we could get your drunk mother and father home before the place erupted into chaos, your mom reaches over to me and pats my face. The straps on her sun dress had fallen down off her shoulders and she did look great there for a moment.

After we got them in the car she started saying to her husband how great I had been treating her all evening and how much her own husband had ignored her. It sounded to me right then and there that it was going to be get-even-time with her and I wanted to dump them as quickly as possible so we could get home.

But then she made me stop at a restaurant on the way home so they could use the restroom. Well, now we are going to get into the meat of this whole thing. You went around and grabbed your dad to help him out of the car and into the restaurant and I did the same for your mother. As I approached your mother she dropped her purse. Naturally, I bent down to pick it up for her and at that moment (me being at her feet to retrieve her $500 Gucci purse from the motor oil in the parking lot) she lifted up her long sun dress and threw it over me and she squatted down so that her twat stuck right in my face!

I was totally disgusted and completely shaken by this. Please no more of your parent's parties please I beg you!

Cos if it happens again, I might surprise everyone and take her up on it.

DEAL???
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(Comment Deleted) by xth (4.00 / 1) #1 Thu May 07, 2009 at 06:05:57 AM EST

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