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By not a cowboy (Sun Apr 19, 2009 at 08:24:55 PM EST) (all tags)
and when you figure out who I am, if you could keep it quiet, I'd appreciate it.

Just looking for some anonymity, since my primary nic is attached to a lot of my real life.

This isn't about cheating on anyone, or spilling any dark secrets, but it would be nice to walk into something like this with no expectation tied to my username.

I was walking the other night and sorted out the big things from the little ones.  Socrates said something about the unexamined life, but he was obsessed with truth. I'm only obsessed with finding my way, though to do so requires a level of self examination that few people should engage in.  I am away of every flaw, every mistake, every shaky half-truth that makes me what I am.  Granted, I am not only aware of the bad things.  I am also painfully aware of the good things, the stuff that keeps me here.

I've been accused loudly and often of wanting to just fuck off, hit the road.  The things that prevent me from doing that are the things that prevent anyone with a family from doing anything fun.

Yeah I said fun.  It would be nice, wouldn't it? To fuck off and not worry about anything. I know me, though.  I'd worry immediately. Because I am not a singular thing; I am social by nature. Unlike a lot of my peers, I don't do well alone.  This perfectly explains my being almost always alone.

No wait, it doesn't.  That's a function of me making a living for myself and my family. I don't have much debt, I do have savings, and I do well, but it takes all of my time. I do not have friends, really.  A few, scattered around the country.  No one here I could call to take out for a drink or head to a museum or sit around and talk to.  Those sorts of friends are all from my past, blood brothers, people I am bound to by time and energy from a time when all I had was my friends.  They're still all out there, too, somewhere. We're thousands of miles, all of us.

So I exist, like most of us do, working hard, head down, trying to stay alive. I miss things.  I wouldn't mind being younger. I wouldn't mind being older. This in-between shit has got to go, though.

I married a woman who is emotionally identical to my mother: tough, singular, distant, and doesn't care much about me day to day. There are times when she loves me intensely. The rest of the time is spent idle.

This is my path so far. Maybe someday soon, it will change shape.  Those plans, I haven't worked out yet.

More, as time permits.
< lappy | 2009-04-19 >
Not new here, | 13 comments (13 topical, 1 hidden) | Trackback
... by dev trash (4.00 / 1) #2 Sun Apr 19, 2009 at 09:39:06 PM EST
Someone has a case of teh Mondays!

Peace, brother by LoppEar (4.00 / 1) #3 Mon Apr 20, 2009 at 01:13:53 AM EST
Taking stock, spread out, hemmed in. Life is good, and lacking meaning, if one knew what that meant.

I've got to sleep, we've all got to sleep.

Buy a shiny red sportscar by Breaker (4.00 / 2) #4 Mon Apr 20, 2009 at 04:53:16 AM EST
And get an 18 year old mistress / toyboy.

Maybe pick one thing a week that you want to do, for you

Then do it.

Nooo! by Merekat (3.80 / 5) #5 Mon Apr 20, 2009 at 05:29:14 AM EST
British racing green.
Red is for hair, green is for cars.

[ Parent ]
Incorrect by anonimouse (4.00 / 4) #6 Mon Apr 20, 2009 at 05:58:17 AM EST
Some cars should be a certain colour -
Red - Ferrari
British Racing Green - Lotus/Aston Martin/Jaguar
Yellow - also Lotus
Metallic Silver - Porsche

Girls come and go but a mortgage is for 25 years -- JtL
[ Parent ]
I do hope by anonimouse (4.00 / 3) #7 Mon Apr 20, 2009 at 05:59:05 AM EST
that MBW doesn't read your comments, no matter how much I agree with your opinion

Girls come and go but a mortgage is for 25 years -- JtL
[ Parent ]
I can't believe by anonimouse (4.00 / 3) #8 Mon Apr 20, 2009 at 05:59:53 AM EST
clock would get bored of domesticity so quickly

Girls come and go but a mortgage is for 25 years -- JtL
I was thinking the same by Driusan (4.00 / 1) #9 Mon Apr 20, 2009 at 08:04:59 AM EST
about mrgoat.

Vive le Montréal libre.
[ Parent ]
a rolling stone gathers no... by clock (4.00 / 1) #11 Mon Apr 20, 2009 at 09:03:24 PM EST
...FUCK!  wrong account!

I agree with clock entirely --Kellnerin

[ Parent ]
escape by Kellnerin (4.00 / 1) #10 Mon Apr 20, 2009 at 11:35:38 AM EST
I find it works best when I have something to escape toward. Away is not a destination. I've stayed in sorta bad situations for lack of a new direction to go in (but then again, I have a high tolerance for OK punctuated by bursts of good, and sometimes bad), though when I figure out where to go next (and get there), it often turns out well.

Here's hoping you find where you want to be, and how to get there.

"Late to the party" is the new "ahead of the curve" -- CRwM

Good luck. by toxicfur (2.00 / 0) #12 Mon Apr 20, 2009 at 09:39:52 PM EST
Sometimes, when things aren't terrible, inertia kicks in and it's damn near impossible to actually make any changes. Those are the times when it's best to make changes, though, I suspect, when there's emotional space to weigh the options and make rational decisions. Toward the bottom of evilness, it's harder to do anything other than react to the crisis du jour. Then again, if one's life is still limping along, it's easy to not risk making things worse. I hope you can keep writing here. I keep wondering if I should create some sort of an alternate identity online somewhere -- too many people from my real life know my nick (like family members and such) -- but I would very much miss this community.

The amount of suck that you can put up with can be mind-boggling, but it only really hits you when it then ceases to suck. -- Kellnerin
I am away of every flaw, by Alan Crowe (2.00 / 0) #13 Tue Apr 21, 2009 at 12:01:25 PM EST

I am aware of every flaw.

Isn't that a great metaphor for the human condition: the grand philosophical paragraph and at it heart the typo/prat fall.

It is hard to respond to your introduction. Although it is moving, it is elliptical. Preserving your anonymity, you omit your context. Be ready for surprises when you examine your life. In 1988 I was trying to finish a part-time PhD and worried that my concentration was poor. I signed up for some meditation lessons with the Friends of Western Buddhist Order, thinking that meditation would help with concentration. It also helps with self-awareness and I became aware that my concentration was poor because I was very unhappy.

Obviously I was better off knowing than not knowing, but hiddens truths are unlikely to be comfortable, else why were they hidden?

Not new here, | 13 comments (13 topical, 1 hidden) | Trackback