Print Story That's one more thing out of the way.
By BadDoggie (Sun Mar 01, 2009 at 11:13:10 AM EST) wedding (all tags)
We're married. Her dress was so incredible you couldn't tell I'd put her in the club four-and-a-half-months ago. She was stunning as she walked in. We held hands throughout the ceremony and the stoic registrar had an upper lip stiff enough to ignore us ignoring her as we whispered to each other the entire fucking time, stopping only to participate in the required responsive readings.

The fuckers made us submit our readings more than a month in advance and then, during the ceremony, made a point of saying, "In this country, marriage is between a man and a woman..." knowing full well we had a few fags among our guests, two of whom are indeed married. I was livid but held my tongue as my doc & lawyer friend were called upon to read my intro and content, something which took two weeks to get approved: excerpts of Mass. Supreme Court's Goodridge v. Department of Health decision. Fuck 'em. I wrote a summary as well: "Sugar_spun and Doggie today redefine themselves as one, and both hope that any people who fall in love as they themselves have done should have the same rights and opportunities as they have on this most happy of days." Just this side of the borderline. Fuck 'em.

Radiant. Happy. And then we went to the Adelphi. We had to stop briefly on the road leaving Speke Hall though. Since we were being driven, my father-in-law had taken the car for me and flagged us down before we hit the main road.

"Doggie, do you have some alarm running in this car? It keeps beeping!"
"Did you put your seat belt on? It beeps if you don't."
"Oh, fer..."

Then we were driven along the scenic route past the docklands to the hotel, making sure everyone was there before we arrived.

The Britannia Adelphi Hotel is SHITE. The instant they had our full payment in advance, "Kevin" became quite scarce. There was no wine or water on the tables. The cake had been dropped, then "fixed" in a way which transformed "elegant" to "Carmen Miranda's Vomit Bag". They then denied their part in the cake disaster and claimed they had received the disaster (baked by a woman who had run her own independent bakery for over 40 years) in such a state and that their failed-out-of-Joe's Brekkie College "pastry chef" simply tried to make it look better. This despite the evidence of the drop on the tablecloth they only changed once that was pointed out to them.

The hot food was cold ("But sir, Cumberland sausage in choux pastry and tempura are  supposed to be cold, never mind the menu"). The cold food was warm (yummy tepid mayo-based potato salad). Guests were charged for soft drinks. There were no speakers for the music. When a single speaker arrived an hour later it took yet another hour to bring the fucking power cord for it.

There was no wine or water on the tables. We had to ask to get fucking proper napkins and full cutlery.

They started the room an hour late and bum-rushed everyone out of there 90 minutes early. We couldn't receive anyone in our suite afterward because the fucking lifts had (once again) gone dead and our two most important guests, the family matrons (74- and 93-years-old, respectively) couldn't make it up five flights of stairs.

The Adelphi already had our cash, Kevin made himself fucking scarce, we were fucked. The Bridal Suite was ice fucking cold, the heating not actually working and the electric "fireplace" being little more than decoration. A crappy 26W portable heater was brought up to the room.

Dinner at Simply Heathcotes was fucking fabulous. Service was incredible and the food divine. Even though they'd run out of the wine we'd wanted they provided other choices which were wonderful -- and cheaper. Far from rushing us, their staff made everything a fucking absolute pleasure. It might have helped that we told them "family gathering" rather than "wedding" but in comparison to what we experienced at the Adelphi I doubt it, if only because one of the first guests to arrive opened his gob and mentioned it was a wedding party.

The only reason Heathcotes doesn't have a Michelin star or three is that they're far too generous with the portions, far too friendly with the service, and far too reasonable with the prices. They do have a "Bib Gourmand" which is like getting a star but not charging the punters enough for the grub. Everything was perfectly cooked. Perfectly. So perfectly that they warned everyone that the lamb would be "pink" which is how it's properly done, just in case the heathen didn't know better (and many didn't). TWO PAWS UP.

The brekkie buffet I'd also ordered in the morning at the Adelphi came off a little better only because I rang down at zero-dark-thirty to remind them that coffee and tea would be there at 10:30, all cold food would be there by 10:45, all hot food would be there by 11:00 and none of the hot food -- especially the fucking chips -- would be cooked 90 minutes in advance and left in a bain marie to fester for three hours. And then I had to tell them again at around 9:00a.m.; surprisingly, Kevin still wasn't there. Or available. Or something. He was clever enough to avoid us even when we sent a staff member to go find him.

While brekkie went a lot better, the staff were once again trying to get us the fuck out of there.

Dear Britannia Adelphi Hotel in Liverpool: Fuck you.

Other than that (and a certain parking authority cunt), everything was most excellent. We'll beat the parking ticket on appeal.

< Checking into Headquarters | Basses and Pawn Shops >
That's one more thing out of the way. | 46 comments (46 topical, 0 hidden) | Trackback
Congrats by georgeha (4.00 / 2) #1 Sun Mar 01, 2009 at 11:41:54 AM EST
and rest assured we won't be going on vacation to the Britannia Adelphia.

Take a snowsuit if you do. by sugar spun (2.00 / 0) #5 Sun Mar 01, 2009 at 12:09:53 PM EST
The bridal suite should not be so cold that bride and groom are terrified to remove their clothing.

[ Parent ]
Terrified? by BadDoggie (4.00 / 1) #9 Sun Mar 01, 2009 at 12:15:25 PM EST
Did I not go down and get the extra three blankets. Clothing? Removed. Repeatedly. We're completely married.


OMG WE'RE FUCKED! -- duxup ?

[ Parent ]
True, but a terrible waste of a hotel jacuzzi by sugar spun (2.00 / 0) #10 Sun Mar 01, 2009 at 12:16:45 PM EST
when, if the tapes were turned on, icicles would form.

Next time we get married we should do it in Chester.

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First anniversary celebration. by BadDoggie (2.00 / 0) #12 Sun Mar 01, 2009 at 12:24:27 PM EST
Kid stays with your parents, we head back to Chester and splurge. We live in Germany; the kid can pay its own damned tuition (about €140/year currently).


OMG WE'RE FUCKED! -- duxup ?

[ Parent ]
So I take it.. by Driusan (2.00 / 0) #16 Sun Mar 01, 2009 at 02:59:21 PM EST
You wouldn't consider l'Hôtel de Glace the second time around?

Vive le Montréal libre.
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I might by sugar spun (2.00 / 0) #23 Sun Mar 01, 2009 at 09:17:08 PM EST
I'd know what to expect though, and my underwear would involve the sauciest thermals I could muster.

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you can't do that by LilFlightTest (2.00 / 0) #18 Sun Mar 01, 2009 at 04:15:23 PM EST
you're married now, remember?
if de-virgination results in me being able to birth hammerhead sharks, SIGN ME UP!!! --misslake
[ Parent ]
I thought by sugar spun (2.00 / 0) #26 Mon Mar 02, 2009 at 12:19:32 AM EST
you had to do it once to make the marriage legal. Seal the deal, so to speak.

I didn't have to after all? Damn.

[ Parent ]
maybe by LilFlightTest (2.00 / 0) #40 Mon Mar 02, 2009 at 05:17:21 PM EST
but you're not supposed to enjoy it, or you're a terrible wife.

that's okay...I'll be a terrible wife.
if de-virgination results in me being able to birth hammerhead sharks, SIGN ME UP!!! --misslake

[ Parent ]
Easy after the fact, I know, but by Dr H0ffm4n (2.00 / 0) #29 Mon Mar 02, 2009 at 12:53:36 AM EST
2.5/10 from 13 customer reviews is very bad. One chain to avoid for sure.

[ Parent ]
Happy... by Metatone (2.00 / 0) #2 Sun Mar 01, 2009 at 11:47:14 AM EST
and Happy Together are by far the most important things.


Thank you. by sugar spun (2.00 / 0) #8 Sun Mar 01, 2009 at 12:14:15 PM EST
We're both of those, and even the things that went wrong went wrong after the important bit was over.

Except the hairdressers and the tux, and even those were fixed as soon as all hope seemed lost. The cake, though, was the place where hope goes to drown its sorrows and wish it had chosen a different career path.

[ Parent ]
There's always more cake... by Metatone (4.00 / 1) #11 Sun Mar 01, 2009 at 12:22:54 PM EST
on the horizon.

It's funny, I was in Munich the other week and I wondered when you two were tying the knot. And then, here you are and done.
Good stuff.

[ Parent ]
More cake by sugar spun (4.00 / 2) #13 Sun Mar 01, 2009 at 12:27:21 PM EST
but not this cake. I think I'd have been less upset if my aunt hadn't made it. She spent two months making prototypes to get it perfect, and she constructed elaborate edible scaffolding within it so it would be perfect. And nobody but us got to see it looking perfect because they were such utter bastards.

[ Parent ]
You guys have a great story at least /nt by yankeehack (4.00 / 1) #3 Sun Mar 01, 2009 at 12:00:01 PM EST

"...she dares to indulge in the secret sport. You can't be a MILF with the F, at least in part because the M is predicated upon it."-CBB
This is heavily abbreviated. by sugar spun (2.00 / 0) #6 Sun Mar 01, 2009 at 12:11:16 PM EST
I could tell the tales of the five hairdressers, the traditional Liverpool street fight, and the Most Boorish Guest That Was Ever A Plus-One.

Perhaps I will, at some point.

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You know what is funny? by yankeehack (2.00 / 0) #15 Sun Mar 01, 2009 at 12:46:40 PM EST
My grandmother, before she completely lost it all, swore that my grandfather's family was from someplace with an "L".

So if you know anyone with the surname of King, let me know.
"...she dares to indulge in the secret sport. You can't be a MILF with the F, at least in part because the M is predicated upon it."-CBB

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Congrats by dark nowhere (2.00 / 0) #4 Sun Mar 01, 2009 at 12:00:12 PM EST
and I hope the kid gives you as much trouble as you gave your folks. ;) Nah, I probably don't mean that.

Chill out, snowflake.

I hope not. by sugar spun (2.00 / 0) #7 Sun Mar 01, 2009 at 12:12:17 PM EST
The first steps I ever took were out of the door and away, and it only got more difficult from there. This is why it took them ten years to decide they might be able to manage a second child.

I suspect that I'm the calmer of us.

[ Parent ]
That's a by ambrosen (2.00 / 0) #14 Sun Mar 01, 2009 at 12:42:32 PM EST
MildlyNaughtyDrizzledCaramelPuppy, surely.


good luck, best wishes -nt- by clover kicker (2.00 / 0) #17 Sun Mar 01, 2009 at 03:59:22 PM EST

Congratulations by toxicfur (4.00 / 3) #19 Sun Mar 01, 2009 at 05:16:36 PM EST
From what I can tell, you both deserve all the happiness in the world, and I just wish for you this: that you find marriage to each other as wonderful as I find marriage to my partner. Best wishes to you both all three.

To Rollins lesbians are like cuddly pandas: cute, exotic, forest-dwelling, dangerous when riled and unable to produce offspring without assistance.-CRwM
The Blessings of the Tyrant upon your wedding. by atreides (2.00 / 0) #20 Sun Mar 01, 2009 at 06:00:12 PM EST
I hope it brings you both all the joy and happiness that my own has given Welsh Girl and I. As for the parking ticket, I'll see what I can do. Being Benevolent Tyrant has its privileges...

He sails from world to world in a flying tomb, serving gods who eat hope.

Congrats by FlightTest (2.00 / 0) #21 Sun Mar 01, 2009 at 06:07:42 PM EST
If you ever want to renew your vows in Las Vegas with Elvin crooning to you let us know, we're the guests with experience in that regard.


We'd considered that locale by BadDoggie (2.00 / 0) #22 Sun Mar 01, 2009 at 07:11:18 PM EST
And not just because of how much money we would've saved. In the end it came down to where the most fambly could be assembled and due to happenstance, my fambly matron was also able and willing to come to Scouselandia, in part because it let her knock of two bratsbirds with one flightstone.


OMG WE'RE FUCKED! -- duxup ?

[ Parent ]
s/Elvin/Elvis by FlightTest (2.00 / 0) #37 Mon Mar 02, 2009 at 05:39:37 AM EST
[No chipmuNks}

[ Parent ]
1,2,3, by Phage (2.00 / 0) #24 Sun Mar 01, 2009 at 10:48:50 PM EST
Awwwwwwwwwwwwww<gasp>wwwwwwww !
Yes, there were bits that were crap, but we've all got stories like that. (in my case two different sets.)
Really, Really happy for you both.

We thought by sugar spun (2.00 / 0) #25 Mon Mar 02, 2009 at 12:13:53 AM EST
that the tux made for a clown with a saggy ass and no neck, or the four hairdressers that cancelled on me for various legitimate reasons, would be the things that went wrong. We were pretty relaxed going into it because we figured the worst had happened, but on finding our guests sitting in the lobby of the hotel after having been chased out of the function room for no apparent reason we started to understand that it wasn't over yet AT ALL.

The fact that all the guests went out of their way to say that they had a great time "in spite of the hotel" just shows how deep the horror went. Still, we're thoroughly and legally married and the ceremony itself was really lovely. The after party's just a bonus.

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There's always the satisfaction by Phage (2.00 / 0) #28 Mon Mar 02, 2009 at 12:28:43 AM EST
Of complaining to the management and/or Googlebombing their reputation. Please post pictures of square Tux. The public needs to know !

Are you thinking of delivering in Ireland, England or Deutschland ?

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Sadly by sugar spun (2.00 / 0) #31 Mon Mar 02, 2009 at 01:33:42 AM EST
I failed to take a picture of the tux. I wish I'd taken a picture of my tailor's face. We took it to him to see if he could repair it, and the expression he was struggling to contain was the sweetest mix of horror, pity and trying not to laugh.

Fortunately the company where my brother buys his suits had a gloriously well-fitted tux available for emergency rental and have a similar suit to the same specifications on order for us to purchase.

Delivery most likely in Germany. I'm due to go to Parma in June and am mildly concerned that the long train journey will result in the production of an inadvertent Italian.

[ Parent ]
Congratulations to you both. by hulver (2.00 / 0) #27 Mon Mar 02, 2009 at 12:25:19 AM EST
And I'm sorry that I couldn't make it up there to see you both.

Cheese is not a hat. - clock
The Adelphi by Merekat (2.00 / 0) #30 Mon Mar 02, 2009 at 01:31:18 AM EST
A few years back it was the subject of a reality TV programme and regularly hosts SF conventions where the con staff have nightmares. It is generally everything I expect from the typical british hotel of a certain time and era (and why I normally go B&B in the UK). Unfortunately, once you hit events of a certain size, there's little choice:(

We did the 'this is not a wedding, honest' thing for our after-reg-office-family meal - it worked a dream, despite the same guest faux-pas. I think some places are out to scalp the happy couple, but some explicitly don't want that business due to what I would call bridezilla syndrome and are happy just to provide excellent service on their own terms (which is what Heathcotes sounds like).

Anyway, congrats on surviving:)

Part of it by sugar spun (2.00 / 0) #32 Mon Mar 02, 2009 at 01:51:56 AM EST
was that I've been to two incredible events there in the past and the alternative places didn't seem as though they'd be up to the same standard. Also, the coordinator was wonderful when we went to look around, and so we thought we'd be in good hands considering that we were organising from a distance. We also needed somewhere with enormous rooms for the people who needed wheelchair access, although as it happened neither of them ended up staying there (just as well, since the lifts were out all Friday). I saw some of the reality show, but I also know that they went on an enormous PR binge afterward to repair the damage and changed a lot of the worst of it.

The first evening restaurant we looked at have a Michelin star. They also have a prix fixe menu of three courses for 25 pounds. As soon as we made the mistake of saying, Wedding, they bumped the price to 60 per person, removed "tea and coffee" from the menu and expected us to pay extra for table linens. They told us we could reduce the price to 45pp if we agreed to have one choice for starter, one for dessert and two for main course. The final straw was the 1400% markup on the same wine I normally buy to cook with, but they were proposing to make us drink and charge us 28 sterling for the privilege.

I was briefly a bridezilla on Monday. My first hairdresser cancelled on Monday morning because of something she'd known about when she accepted the booking. I had a little tantrum, quietly, out of the way of everyone, and went back to try to fix it. I also called her a whole series of creative names to my mother, out of her earshot. There was that and some genuine stress, but we weren't being unreasonable. The complaining letter has five pages and still isn't a comprehensive list.

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Bridezilla by Merekat (2.00 / 0) #33 Mon Mar 02, 2009 at 02:08:13 AM EST
I wouldn't call that bridezilla. That's a valid response to a genuine fuckup. Bridezilla is overreacting to things that aren't going wrong:)

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cancellations suck by LilFlightTest (2.00 / 0) #41 Mon Mar 02, 2009 at 05:21:48 PM EST
our minister had to cancel- but she found us a replacement that we ended up being very happy with, and we didn't have to pay for the church because of the inconvenience.
if de-virgination results in me being able to birth hammerhead sharks, SIGN ME UP!!! --misslake
[ Parent ]
They do. by sugar spun (2.00 / 0) #42 Mon Mar 02, 2009 at 10:47:26 PM EST
The first hairdresser cancelled because she was due to take over the running of the salon she works at on that day and decided at the last minute that it would be too much work. The second's daughter went into labour, and she cancelled to look after the daughter's older kids. The third tried but was too pregnant to reach my head. The fourth was my mother's hairdresser, who said she'd find us someone or do it herself and ended up being unable to do either. My own hairdresser, who'd initially said she couldn't because of a prior booking, took pity on me and put curlers in the day before, before opening her shop early to take care of me before her early appointment.

It was a litany of hair disasters but all went off perfectly in the end. I'm glad your minister was good in the end - ours was mostly great, although the "man and a woman" thing was a giant neon sign to the effect of, "I HAVE NEVER MET THIS COUPLE BEFORE TODAY!!!!"

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we'd met with ours by LilFlightTest (2.00 / 0) #45 Tue Mar 03, 2009 at 01:54:19 PM EST
and she actually managed to do a very good job at capturing the important parts of our relationship. She also kept the whole thing short- half hour or less.
if de-virgination results in me being able to birth hammerhead sharks, SIGN ME UP!!! --misslake
[ Parent ]
Ours wasn't bad despite the heteroinsistence. by sugar spun (2.00 / 0) #46 Wed Mar 04, 2009 at 03:22:48 AM EST
She asked which of us would be the boss in our particular relationship. The laughter from my family suggested they appreciated the joke.

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Congratulations! by littlestar (2.00 / 0) #34 Mon Mar 02, 2009 at 03:30:24 AM EST
Happy you're married now!!! How excellent. It sounds like you have a lot of patience. I may have become physical... sounds really ridiculous at the Adelphi. But, you got through it... huddled under the blankets no doubt. Maybe they were trying to show you that marriage can have hardship and you have to slug through it... TOGETHER!! Hahahaahahahah.... way to go! You did it!


We're currently cementing our union by sugar spun (4.00 / 1) #36 Mon Mar 02, 2009 at 04:31:37 AM EST
by sharing in the editing of the complaint letter.

Venom shared is venom squared, apparently. It's a gloriously vicious piece that manages to avoid hyperbole while remaining the sort of thing I'd probably cry if I received in the mail myself.

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Awesome by hulver (2.00 / 0) #43 Mon Mar 02, 2009 at 11:39:36 PM EST
It needs posting here when it's done.
Cheese is not a hat. - clock
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He's editing it again. by sugar spun (2.00 / 0) #44 Tue Mar 03, 2009 at 01:44:36 AM EST
Apparently he thinks I went too far, which is a terrifying prospect in itself.

[ Parent ]
Congratulations : ) by Scrymarch (2.00 / 0) #35 Mon Mar 02, 2009 at 04:07:05 AM EST

The Political Science Department of the University of Woolloomooloo

Congrats by duxup (2.00 / 0) #38 Mon Mar 02, 2009 at 06:36:04 AM EST

Congrats by Breaker (2.00 / 0) #39 Mon Mar 02, 2009 at 08:14:33 AM EST
To you both! /raises glass.

That's one more thing out of the way. | 46 comments (46 topical, 0 hidden) | Trackback