Print Story Mr. Goat, you have no idea about the ladies room.
By yankeehack (Tue Dec 08, 2009 at 08:42:04 PM EST) (all tags)

the crew who shares the bathroom at my new place of work, well wow.

There is apparently an office of ladies, can't tell if it's the insurance co or the IRS ladies that all pull a toilet seat cover tissue protector as they walk into a stall. Never fails.

The toilet seat coverers always walk into the bathroom as a group. 

Then there is the loud asian chick - who you either catch hocking lugies at the sink (yes, I mean one handed nostril evacuation) or grunting when she takes a shit. Think female gymnast level of grunting.

Then there is the one woman who talks on the phone in the bathroom. It's become sport between the ladies in my office to flush the toilet just to hear her say "Wait a sec, hold on...I have to get out of here since someone is flushing."

Also, there is the mysterious handicapped bathroom stall she uses the stall even when no other is taken and then she is so quiet that you're startled when you hear a noise from an otherwise empty bathroom.

The ever present can of Febreeze with the taped on "property of [redacted] insurance company" sign is a nice touch - especially the fact that the thing travels like a garden gnome around the bathroom. Because seeing that can in your chosen stall and then realizing OH MY GOD SOMEONE TOOK A DUMP IN THIS TOILET NOT TOO LONG AGO just after you've pulled your pants down is like no other.

I've also caught ladies not washing their hands after using the bathroom. Now I am no germophobe, but oh my fucking god, if I walk into the bathroom even to check myself in the mirror, I wash my hands. 

This bathroom, unlike others does not have the tampon abuser.  That is one plus.

And the number one rule of all ladies bathrooms (and not just this new one) when the lady in the next stall gets real quiet. I mean churchmouse quiet. 

As the number one rule is NEVER, EVER UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES LET SOMEONE OVERHEAR YOU TAKE A SHIT. Because if you can't hear a lady shit, then she hasn't taken a shit.

She's hoping you're in there for the mid morning coffee piss and she can let one go as your flush will cover up the noise. If she has more to go, she'll wait until after you've washed your hands and left.

And oh my god, if you both are in there to take a shit, you never, ever meet at the sinks (take your time adjusting your outfit in the stall) or if you do, do not make eye contact with her.

You can't acknowledge what just happened in the bathroom.

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Mr. Goat, you have no idea about the ladies room. | 10 comments (10 topical, 0 hidden) | Trackback
Do we really have to have by muchagecko (2.00 / 0) #1 Tue Dec 08, 2009 at 09:32:57 PM EST
so many bathroom rules?

As long as you clean up any mess you made, and wash your hands - why worry about the rest?

A purpose gives you a reason to wake up every morning.
So a purpose is like a box of powdered donut holes?
My Name is Earl

Some days by MrMole (4.00 / 1) #2 Wed Dec 09, 2009 at 01:12:22 AM EST
I'm glad to be an unemployed bum.

This is why by Phage (2.00 / 0) #3 Wed Dec 09, 2009 at 05:57:40 AM EST
We have Flush simulators.

WOMEN DO NOT POOP by codemonkey uk (4.00 / 1) #4 Wed Dec 09, 2009 at 07:20:55 AM EST

--- Thad ---
Almost as Smart As you.
This by kwsNI (4.00 / 1) #5 Wed Dec 09, 2009 at 09:53:01 AM EST
This belongs on the front page. :)

it's funny by StackyMcRacky (2.00 / 0) #6 Wed Dec 09, 2009 at 10:23:41 AM EST
because it's true.

Sounds like you ladies need a code. by mrgoat (2.00 / 0) #7 Wed Dec 09, 2009 at 01:56:45 PM EST
We men, we've worked out the bathroom man-code to a nearly perfect level of efficiency. So much so that we require only small tweaks, like the one I suggested.

I'm afraid I can't speak to, or do much about developing the women's bathroom code. I suggest you convene the International Council of Women's Courtesies to Other Women and ratify a document, post-haste.

--top hat--

i must add by LilFlightTest (2.00 / 0) #8 Wed Dec 09, 2009 at 10:53:56 PM EST
I get it that some women find the thought of letting their ass contact a toilet seat they hover. but you know why toilet seats are so gross? BECAUSE WHEN YOU HAVE EXPLOSIVE DIARRHEA WHILE HOVERING, IT GOES EVERYWHERE. i didn't think that was such a leap of logic, but...whatever.
if de-virgination results in me being able to birth hammerhead sharks, SIGN ME UP!!! --misslake
hovering by Merekat (2.00 / 0) #9 Thu Dec 10, 2009 at 08:43:38 AM EST
Completely unnecessary here. Even if you're  total germ-phobe, there's a cleaning spray dispenser on the walls mostly that you can clean the seat with beforehand.

[ Parent ]
Men by duxup (2.00 / 0) #10 Wed Dec 16, 2009 at 04:43:56 PM EST
The nice thing about the men's room is we expect some horrible behavior.    No stereotypes are in our way.

Mr. Goat, you have no idea about the ladies room. | 10 comments (10 topical, 0 hidden) | Trackback