Print Story The Butcher of Stony Road
By Phil the Canuck (Fri Nov 13, 2009 at 09:49:20 AM EST) (all tags)
I survived.

There's a hygenist at my dentist's office, The Wife and I like to call her The Butcher of Stony Road.  Our theory is that if you do something that inconveniences the office staff there, they book you in the Butcher's chair.  I rebooked my spring checkup on short notice.  Gone was my friendly, gentle-handed hygenist, replaced by this beast of a woman with her hammer and chisel.  Once she gets you, she never lets go, always booking you for herself.  The only way to escape is to somehow book on her day off.

It should be noted at this point that I maintain what is generally considered to be very good oral hygiene, as does my wife.

The Butcher digs deep with her assortment of scraping and poking tools.  That stabbing pain in your gums?  That's there because she's stabbing you in the gums.  By the time she works her was through the first half of your uppers, her glove is spotted with blood and your mouth tastes like you've been sucking on pennies.  She seems to enjoy poking the scars where my wisdom teeth used to be, like she's scraping phantom plaque from teeth long gone.

Time to rinse.  Blood, saliva, and chunks of a soft, fleshy material which on closer inspection turns out to be your flesh.  She calls a helper over to periochart.  As she counts off numbers she stabs you repeatedly in the gums.  All the while I'm thinking, "this part shouldn't hurt".

When she left me alone to get the dentist I glanced over at her tools.  All of them covered in blood and some sort of...was that grey matter?  I think it's possible that I blacked out from blood loss and she gave me a labotomy.  Nothing else could explain the amount of, well, me all over her Dental Instruments of Death.

As the dentist checks on my mouth he compliments me on my great teeth.  "Thirty-eight years old and one filling.  You don't see that very often", he says.  "You do have a little spontaneous bleeding around the gumline that concerns me, though."

That's not spontaneous, doc.  Unless you consider it spontaneous when a tree falls down after someone takes a chainsaw to it.
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The Butcher of Stony Road | 7 comments (7 topical, 0 hidden) | Trackback
Nice try, but that's no excuse by georgeha (2.00 / 0) #1 Fri Nov 13, 2009 at 09:58:28 AM EST
for not letting your boss know you need a bigger internet pipe.

It's not a pipe by Phil the Canuck (2.00 / 0) #2 Fri Nov 13, 2009 at 09:59:11 AM EST
It's more like a bunch of dumptrucks.

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I think I had her once by marvin (2.00 / 0) #3 Fri Nov 13, 2009 at 10:00:28 AM EST
When I lived in Mill Woods, I went to a dentist in Ellerslie back in 1995. I'm pretty sure she managed to scrape hard enough to scratch my enamel.

Switch to a dentist with ultrasonics by notafurry (2.00 / 0) #4 Fri Nov 13, 2009 at 12:50:36 PM EST
Routine cleanings are like having someone scribble over your teeth with a ballpoint pen. No pain, no blood.

There's still the periochart, of course, but that's about it.

almost .. by sasquatchan (2.00 / 0) #5 Fri Nov 13, 2009 at 12:58:52 PM EST
the ultrasound leaves me with a strange side-effect.. Maybe 1 week after a cleaning, my gums spontaneously hurt all freaking over.. The actual cleaning doesn't hurt (well, tickles) but about a week later, my gums are in severe pain..

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Freak. by notafurry (2.00 / 0) #6 Fri Nov 13, 2009 at 01:50:50 PM EST
No, no, I kid.



Seriously, how does that happen?!

[ Parent ]
It's psychosomatic by brokkr (2.00 / 0) #7 Fri Nov 13, 2009 at 04:13:56 PM EST
Deyr fé, deyja frændr, deyr sjalfr it sama,
ek veit einn, at aldrei deyr: dómr um dau∂an hvern.

[ Parent ]
The Butcher of Stony Road | 7 comments (7 topical, 0 hidden) | Trackback